Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
This is America. We have so much money as a nation that we should be able to take care of everyone. Our children should have access to education (as a former teacher I STRONGLY support any legislation that allows for ALL of our children to have equal access to education.) Well it looks like America is heading for a major recession.
Trust me, kids, I grew up in the 30s and 40s, that was rough. Our idea of luxury back then was having a roll of toilet paper in the outhouse. Most people couldn't afford to wipe their asses let alone eat.
If we must face a recession, children, let us learn to live frugally and stop our irrational spending. If I can grow up on having meals of bread and butter with a cup of broth, then so can you. If I can grow up using only the leaves off our trees to finish my business on the can, then so can you. (Though I fear that with my current state of overactive bowels, there won't be a leaf left in Kansas City!)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Me: I can't work this damn thing!
James: Mom, where did you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a cell phone.
Me: What the hell do I need a cell phone for? It's bad enough that Agnes rings my home phone off the hook only to tell me she had another hot flash.
James: Mom, you live all alone. If something happened to you here, or while you were out, I'd feel terrible if you couldn't call for help.
Me: I see your point, but I am not helpless. If I don't return Agnes or Betty's phone calls within 30 minutes they always send half the fire department down here to look for me.
Monday, November 26, 2007
I got this strange call from her just now:
Agnes: Madge, are you ready? I'm on my way over to pick you up.
Me: What are you talking about?
Agnes: Well hurry up and get dressed or we'll be late for temple.
Me: Agnes we're not Jewish, and it's only Monday afternoon.
Agnes: Oh, right... Well in that case, you wanna go out for lunch?
Me: It's a little too late for that, how about dinner?
Agnes: Sure, I'll see you at 6.
Me: Sigh, see you then.
Yet, people flock to her like she's Jesus. I'm sorry, but buying self help books won't solve all your problems, children. All you're doing by wasting money on these books is solving the publishers' problems of declining sales.
Well, at some point this week I need to take Maxine to the vet for her little check up. She hates going to the vet so I have to sometimes drag her out to the car kicking and yelping just to get her there! But today I think I will lay down a trail of treats to the car and see if she will be tricked so easily. But if that fails, I've got the net...!
Sunday, November 25, 2007
So yesterday I finally received the card in the mail. I forgot that I had to list my "company" on the application so I put down "Madge & Associates, LTD." Ha ha! I can't wait to show Betty and Agnes this one!
Friday, November 23, 2007
But we did have some fun conversations about sex, which set Dana off on a tangent:
Dana: James! How dare you talk about something like that in front of your own mother?!
Me: Oh Dana lighten up. Just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm no longer interested in sex. Hell if Kevin Costner were in my bed, I'd ride him all day and all night!
James: Ugh, Mother!
Me: So go ahead, James, finish your story about your co-worker Bob and his steamy love affair with the manager...
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I have to go to bed now because my damn kids want to drag me out to the stores at four in the bloody morning! (Oh why me?!)
So if you excuse me, I need to finish my wine and go to bed where I can continue my fantasy involving my hands and Kevin Costner's hot, plump butt cheeks...Oh Kevin! Take me away!
(Hide me, kids, CHRISTMAS is now upon us!)
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I have to make two apple pies for Thanksgiving, and I already bought the pecan pie from the bakery. Three pies should do it. My children have all called me and told me that this year they are skipping dessert because they don't want to gain weight...ha!
My apple pies are made with REAL butter and REAL sugar! And I do the latice tops too!!! They sing to you and I serve them with vanilla bean icecream on the side...
They won't be able to resist! Ha, ha ha!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
You take a hot toddy, a blanket, a flashy romance novel with lots and lots of sex, and you sit in the easy chair next to the window and read while it is cold, and raining.
Unfortunatley I end up over heating this way, and for some reason I always end up wet down you know w-h-e-r-e. Maybe because I see Fabio on the front cover...?!
Monday, November 19, 2007
Agnes: Madge, how are you feeling?
Me: Picture Roseanne Barr on her period and after she just divorced Tom Arnold and stubbed her big fat toe in a door with splinters...
Agnes: Oh my, well you look lovely. Doesn't she look just lovely Betty?
Betty: Yes, just lovely.
Me: And I look even more lovely when I am sittin' on the can waiting to pass a kidney stone while using every ****ing swear word in the book!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
When I say "excuse me please" I mean "move your fat carcass because you're in my damn way and I can't get past you." Don't stare at me and say, "huh?" You heard me you bubble head!
They had a huge sale on stuffing kits too. I got there just in time to grab the last case. (My family eats stuffing like it's going out of style.)
And then came the fun part: the turkey.
Those damn birds weigh a ton! Either I'm becoming more feeble, or those birds are packing on the pounds before Farmer Joe hauls them down to the ol' slaughter house. I had to ask a store clerk to help me lift one into my cart. And you know that guy had the nerve to stand there and gawk at me when I needed help? I told him a second time that I can't lift like I used to and I am old and frail. "Please help me sir." Finally the nitwit got the hint that old people do not have the strength of superman. He lifted the bird and instead of placing it nicely beside my other parcels, he dropped it in the cart and smashed my eggs!
My poor eggs! It took me 30 minutes to find a dozen that weren't cracked! So I screamed for a manager and took him by the ear and gave him a mouthful. That took an hour (because I like to play the mean old lady who has to bitch about everything.)
So then they offered to give me a voucher for a free dozen and I took it and went for more eggs. So here we are, three hours later. At least the bag boy was nice enough to package everything carefully, and he even went through the extra trouble to find me those paper sacks with the handles! Then he offered to carry my things to my car, which I gladly accepted. He even lifted that heavy turkey and put the straps of my trunk around it to keep it from smashing my groceries!
So I gave him a huge tip: 1.50. (ha ha!) No, I actually gave him a 20, and told him to pocket it without telling anyone.
Now, if you excuse me, dear children, grandma's got to go get the wagon and haul that heavy turkey in from the car. (This will take all afternoon!)
And this evening I'll open up one of the four bottles of wine I bought in the liquor department, Lord knows I need a few hits!
Friday, November 16, 2007
Let's see, I need to get a 30 pound turkey, celery, stuffing kits, onions, garlic, butter, potatoes, cranberries, sugar, pie crust, pecans, corn syrup, milk, fresh green beans, corn, flour, baking soda, canned gravy, turkey broth (ok so not everything will be from scratch, but the kids will never know...) So yes, the menu will be: Turkey, Mashed Potatoes/Gravy, Savory Stuffing, Green Beans, Cranberry Sauce, Pecan Pie, and holiday cookies. Some of my guests will also be bringing desserts too, so we'll have quite a feast.
The only down side is, I have to also invite my inlaws. *shudders. I love my children-in-law, but only after I've knocked back a few sherries.
The worst of them is James' wife, Dana. Good lord, that woman's so perky I'd like to drive a nail through her head! And she uses that awful valley girl accent! Gah! I'd rather have my son married to a gay man than that women, because at least gay men are fun and entertaining. (And they do make the best Italian dishes I've ever eaten!) And I forgot to mention that Dana whines, excessively, and in a disgustingly superficial cheery manner. She's either too hot or too cold, or when I serve her food, it's too mushy, too spicy, too this too that. Hell, even Queen Elizabeth II isn't this picky!
So, next Thursday I'll have to crawl out of bed at four in the morning and stuff a handful of bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt just so Dana can complain about how I cooked the damn bird! I'll be sure to be crocked before she arrives!
Agnes: Madge, do you want to go to lunch today?
Me: Not unless it involves taking a ton of NyQuil. *cough *cough
Agnes: Are you sick?
Me: What do you think?
Agnes: Well what ails you?
Me: I have just a slight touch of anthrax, dear, but what really ails me is your stupidity. *cough *cough *gasp *wheez *cough
So yes, today I am finally feeling better. Note to self: get Agnes some brains for Christmas.
Ok, now where I did put my hot toddy?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Vinegar. Boy it sure is useful. Today I came across some tips I had never seen before.
The very first tip I got about vinegar came from ol great aunt Regina when I was ten years old. She told me to take a couple of swigs from the jug every day to keep the doctors away. (And at the time I was young and naive so I took a swallow and spat it all over myself.) I asked her, "How can you drink this stuff?" And she just chuckled and told me you get use to the tangyness after awhile. Everyone thought she was crazy for drinking cider vinegar like water, but the old Braud lived to be a 102, draw your own conclusions.
Here are some uses for Vinegar:
Make creamy scrambled eggs: as eggs thicken when scrambling, add a tablespoon of vinegar for every two eggs.
Rub vinegar on the cut end of uncooked ham to prevent mold.
Add a tsp. of vinegar and sugar to correct a too-salty taste (in any recipe).
Pour a dash of white vinegar on a cloth and lay it over a burn, including sunburn.
Try vinegar ice cubes to clean and deodorize a garbage disposal.
Pour a cup of vinegar into the dishwasher and run the empty machine through the whole cycle to get rid of soap buildup and odors.
Use a paste of vinegar and baking soda to clean tarnished brass, copper, and pewter, or the scorch marks on the bottom of an iron.
Renew sponges, loofahs, dingy white socks, and dish rags by letting them soak overnight in dilute vinegar.
Remove grease and grime from fan blades, oven interiors, tops of refrigerators, etc.
Pour 1/2 cup baking soda and 1 cup vinegar into a sandwich-sized or quart-sized plastic bag and tying over a scummy shower-head for an hour.
Clean toilet bowl rings by turning off the input spigot, removing water from the bowl, and laying vinegar-soaked paper towels on the ring for an hour or more.
Stretch any commercial window cleaner by combining it with 1/3 water and 1/3 vinegar.
Scrub fireplace bricks with vinegar.
Decrease static or dust accumulation of plastic or vinyl surfaces by wiping them down with vinegar and water.
Use vinegar on mildewed garments that cannot take bleach.
Wash new clothes with 1/2 cup white vinegar to eliminate manufacturing chemicals.
Remove odor and perspiration or deodorant stains by spraying vinegar on underarm or collar areas.
Make nylon hose look smoother and last longer by adding a tablespoon over vinegar to the rinse water.
Get salt stains off shoes with a dilute vinegar wipe.
Stop itching from insect stings or poison ivy by dabbing or spraying with vinegar.
To cut appetite and reduce weight, drink one glass of a mixture of vinegar, honey, and grapefruit juice before meals.
Pour vinegar wherever you don't want ants to congregate.
Add it to the kids' sandbox to discourage cats from employing it. Also, spray vinegar on furniture or surfaces you want a cat to leave alone.
Get rid of rust on spigots, tools, or bolts by soaking them.
Tighten the cane in a sagging chair by sponging it with a heated solution of 50/50 vinegar and water.
Wash skinned game with a 50/50 vinegar/water solution to reduce the gamey taste.Add vinegar to a pet's drinking water to discourage fleas and mange.
Monday, November 12, 2007
James and Bill were fighting over who would get to pick out the candy at check out. They finally worked up my nerves and I got their attention by screaming to the top of my lungs, "QUIT FIGHTING YOU TWO OR I'LL RAISE MY VOICE!"
Everyone stopped and stared, and who was embarrassed? Not me, them! To this day I take great pride in my ability to embarrass my kids in public. Hey, if they don't want to listen to mother, then mother will publicly humiliate the hell out of them.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
1. Childproof caps on medicine.
2. Having gas and hot flashes...at the same time.
3. CVS Pharmacy.
4. People who use "like" in every sentence.
5. Social Security
6. Running out of Preparation H.
7. Inflated egos.
8. Idiots in positions of power (President Bush for example)
9. Donald Trump.
10. Watching a Kevin Costner film where he doesn't show us his ass.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
When I got home, I phoned Agnes and Betty and told them about the sale. (It's an old lady thing, if there's a good sale by golly the first thing I do is call them both.) So I invited them over for dinner.
So I cooked the Bertolli Rigatone Sausage and Peppers in the skillet according to directions, and then I popped the Mann's vegetables in the microwave and I mixed up the Caesar salad kit. I arranged the cookies on a platter, and of course I tried one. They are very delicious, just like home made. I just put everything on the table so they should be here any minute. Gosh this food looks so good. Thank goodness I took a couple of Beano tablets!
Whoops! Gotta go, that's the door bell!
(Of course, I'll tell them that I paid 30 bucks per book instead of 6 bucks so that come Christmas time they'll feel obliged to spend that much on me!)
Update: I finished the book. Can you believe it? Not ONE scene of gratuitous sex?! They call this historical fiction?! We all know that cowboys and Indians had sex, otherwise there would be no people on the earth today!
Friday, November 9, 2007
Me: Happy Birthday James!
James: Thanks mom.
Me: What do you want for your birthday, son?
James: 1000 dollars.
Me: What?! I'm not sending you that much!
James: Come on, mom. You're loaded. Quit hoarding all the money for yourself and give some to us kids.
Me: But you kids already had it too good, now it's my turn. Besides, you never touched the principle: that money is for my old age.
James: Old age? Come on, mom, you don't leave finger prints anymore.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
But the real kicker is that Betty can put away eight of those suckers, yet her cholesterol level is fine. Why, God, why?!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Honey, it's not so bad. The biggest shock came when I woke up one morning and found that my butt dropped by 6 inches, then a week later my boobs were suddenly 2 feet lower, but hey, you get used to it. Then, one day when your whacked out on medications, you just laugh at yourself when you accidentally kick a bun or a nipple..."
I've got ten space heaters, plus I put the central heating on full blast. I'm wearing 6 sweaters, 4 pairs of socks, and 3 pairs of pants, and I am covered with 4 quilts. Unfortunately, I can't move. I am stuck in this chair all day which is not good because my bladder will explode any minute...
Betty: Oh my gosh, really?!
Me: Can I be put in your will?
Agnes: Yes! I won 500 dollars! Isn't that exciting?
Me: I'm lactating.
Betty: Agnes, winning 500 dollars is not the same as winning the lottery.
Agnes: Is so. My scratch off ticket says I won 500 dollars. With that money, I no longer need my social security check!
Me: Did we inhale too many hairspray fumes again today, Agnes?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
A perfect example of this is two years ago the following conversation took place over the phone:
Me: Agnes, I have bad news. My oldest sister died yesterday.
Agnes: That's terrible! What happened?
Me: She was fighting terrorists in the Middle East, she was 89!!!
Agnes: Well, it was good that she was able to work right up to the end.
Monday, November 5, 2007
So I invited her in and she gave me a facial, and she did my makeup...
Prunella: Viola! What do you think Madge?
Me: My Gawd! I look like a 65 year old drag queen!
Prunella: Well I told you I'd make you look ten years younger.
Me: Yes, but did you have to make me look like Tim Burton on crack?!
Prunella: Now now, Madge. Here, I brought you some bath beads made with real milk.
Me: Great. Then when I'm soaking and I get hungry, I'll add some Raisin Bran .
I just spent my whole day completely unaware that I forget to change all twenty of my clocks back. (Yes, you read right, I have twenty clocks. Hey, I'm old, I need constant reminding of the time.)
And those two scoundrels Agnes and Betty either forgot themsleves, or they were being too nice to clue me in.
Hell, no wonder they were both an hour late for lunch today!
Agnes: Madge, do you have any more kleenex?
Me: Yes, they're in my top dresser door inside my bras.
Agnes: What are they doing there?
Me: I was blowing my breasts, Agnes.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Me: How's your Sunday, Betty?
Betty: I'm exhausted.
Me: How come?
Betty: Someone rang my doorbell at 3 this morning.
Me: Who was it?
Betty: I dunno, I didn't answer. Who would ring a doorbell at 3am?
Me: A Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem?!
Why? you ask. Well, let's see. I've got to have my Beano for you know w-h-a-t, I need pads for my bunions, I've got ten warts I'm slowly killing off with those handy dandy wart removal kits, I buy toilet paper and kleenex like it's going out of style, I've got Ben Gay for the knees, Vicks vapor rub for my chest, Halls cough drops for my throat, Heating pads for my neck, Tums for my acid reflux, seven kinds of diuretics for the rest of the digestive system, and I always stock up on Calmoseptine ointment for my you know w-h-e-r-e when my bladder gets out of control.
I stood behind this young gal who couldn't have been older than 21. I noticed she was taking forever and there was a long line behind us. I kid you not, here is how she ordered her beverage:
"I want like a latte like...with like skim...and like medium size...with like no foam...like 145 degrees...two like Splendas...like one pump of like sugar free vanilla...and like...um like...and like an extra shot..."
It took her five minutes to get all that out. (And you should have seen the look on that cashier's face!) And it urked me that she used "like." in every phrase. Then her phone rang and she went on in a long tirade of "like" and "she was like...and he was like..."
Good Gawd! Do they not teach kids how to speak proper English anymore?! It disturbed me so much that I'm extra gassy tonight. (LOOK OUT!)
Madge's lesson of the day: Never abuse the English language around any teacher or former teacher!
Agnes called me and asked if I wanted to pick her up, go to lunch, and take her to the drugstore. I figured why the hell not. So I start up the sucker, back it out and I damn near take out my mailbox. After I recover from my mild stroke, I step on the gas and head over to her house.
The real frustration set in when I was making a right turn on Kennedy, and I could not go because of the pedestrians. Well, some senseless boob pulls up behind me and starts honking. I throw up my hands and start swearing. The honking persists and finally I am able to complete my turn. Then that jerk pulls around me, honks, and gives me the finger. So I gave it back double, and that arrogant prick honks again and speeds off.
Where is my shotgun when I need it?
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I said I am not interested in adding on services, quit trying to sell me things I don't need! I want to you fix this billing problem.
Yes. I told you, I mailed out the check two weeks ago, yes I sent it to the correct address. Are you accusing me of being too old and feeble to pay my bills? Ok, well if that's how you want to be, fine, there many other corrupt money hungry phone companies out there who'll give me a good long distance/internet service package! (Click)
First of all, the store was out of the butter they had on sale. I talked to a manager and she said they wouldn't have any in till Tuesday. I protested because the sale ends tomorrow, but she gave me a rain check. (Great! I'll have to make another trip, and it's supposed to rain all day Tuesday!)
Second, they moved the peanut butter to another aisle, and after walking around the store ten times, I had to ask someone where it was. (Who the hell puts peanut butter in the back of a store next to a display of Preparation H?)
Third, the cashier over charged me and forget to take my savings card and coupons. When I brought this to his attention, he shook his head apologized and then he proceeded to call me "sir."
Sir? I know I'm old and that I usually look like hell, but how many 75 year old brauds run around with 5 o'clock shadow?
By the time Saturday evening rolls around, I usually reward myself with a glass of brandy and a good book in my comfy chair next to the window. I have a large sack of novels Agnes gave me to read. Right now I am finishing up The Maytrees by Annie Dillard and then I'll start on one of those Rex Stout Nero Wolfe mysteries Agnes gave me. (I do love Rex Stout's work.)
Ok, well my little break is here is coming to an end, so I better finish the ironing and get on to other chores. Have a wonderful Saturday!
Friday, November 2, 2007
Unfortunately, I fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the film and when Betty and Agnes woke me up, my butt was completely numb. Slowly I staggered with them and they hailed the cab while I sat on the bench outside the theater trying my best to get my blood flowing to my rump again. I about fell through my front door, but now I am sipping on a hot toddy and I feel better. Well dear children, good night. Grandma's off to bed.
After dinner we are going to see that new film about Queen Elizabeth I. Honestly I must admit I am looking forward to seeing it. And this, my dears, comes from an old lady who hates movies in general. I especially hate going to the theater and here's why:
1. I always gag on popcorn kernals and cough all throughout the film.
2. If I drink their large sodas, I end up stuck on the can during the movie.
3. The theaters smell like sock sweat.
4. Movies all suck, especially in the last ten years.
5. You never see Kevin Costner's ass on the big screen anymore.
6. I could eat for a week on what it costs to buy the damn tickets.
7. People's phones ring non-stop, so I can never hear anything.
8. People slobber on me when they eat, and then they proceed to belch in my hearing aides.
9. People cut loose thinking no one will notice.
10. I'd rather read the smut in a trashy romance novel than to see it in too much detail on the big screen...
So Betty better like this birthday celebration or else I'll kick the old Braud down a flight of stairs. Happy Birthday, Betty.
I just don't understand this. They brought out Halloween merchandise in August, and now they're brining out Christmas things. Whatever happened to Thanksgiving Day? (My favorite holiday for many reasons.)
And after Christmas ends, they throw out the Valentine's Day stuff a whole month early. What nitwits!
I blame Hallmark for this lunacy!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
So anyways, I digress. Across from me sat an older gentleman, about 78 or so. He had all his own hair, his own teeth, and he carried no cane, so yes, he was a cutie patootie. Anyways, I noticed he was giving me the eye, and I thought, what? Did I have something stuck in my teeth? No, he winked at me, nodded and gave me a look that said "I want to get to know you better..." So I smile, and bat my eyes, and giggle like a school girl. But then he points to his you know w-h-e-r-e and winks again.
Well, my dears, being the respectible God-fearing widow that I am, I stood up, looked the fella straight in his eyes and said, "Fat chance, grandpa!" With that, I stepped off that bus with my chin held high.
1. Your children start visiting you during the week.
2. Your doctor won't let you post-date a check.
3. You can't eat Cream of Wheat because it's too spicy.
4. Getting out of bed turns into a 60 minute workout.
5. Drinking water makes you tipsy.
6. The funeral home insists you make an appointment now before they get booked up.
7. Instead of giving you communion, the priest gives you the Last Rites.
8. Sleeping is your only form of exercise.
9. You've fallen and you don't want to get up.
10. You can't nibble on a saltine cracker because it's too high in fiber.
A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.