Thursday, November 29, 2007

Sex and Hot Summers

Sex and Hot Summers don't mix, children. Instead of a bumpin' and a grindin' you end up a slippin' and a slidin'

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What the hell is happening, America?

Everyday now I read more and more bad news about our economy. Honestly it scares me. I'm not afraid for my own concerns, my dead-beat jackass of a husband left me enough money to live on until I drop dead at 102. I am very concerned for our children. They have nothing except a massive national debt to bear with. Bush has taken so much from us with his damned war, and for what? So he and his oil buddies can swim nude together in vaults of gold coins?

This is America. We have so much money as a nation that we should be able to take care of everyone. Our children should have access to education (as a former teacher I STRONGLY support any legislation that allows for ALL of our children to have equal access to education.) Well it looks like America is heading for a major recession.

Trust me, kids, I grew up in the 30s and 40s, that was rough. Our idea of luxury back then was having a roll of toilet paper in the outhouse. Most people couldn't afford to wipe their asses let alone eat.

If we must face a recession, children, let us learn to live frugally and stop our irrational spending. If I can grow up on having meals of bread and butter with a cup of broth, then so can you. If I can grow up using only the leaves off our trees to finish my business on the can, then so can you. (Though I fear that with my current state of overactive bowels, there won't be a leaf left in Kansas City!)

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I just got an early Christmas present.

Well, Christmas is here early. My son James came over to give me an early present. I asked him why he couldn't wait till December 25th, but he insisted that this is something I should not go another day without, to which I replied, "Oh, you tackled Kevin Costner, stripped him naked and wrapped him up for me?" James said no. (Damn!) So here's how the opening of my present went...

Me: I can't work this damn thing!
James: Mom, where did you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a cell phone.
Me: What the hell do I need a cell phone for? It's bad enough that Agnes rings my home phone off the hook only to tell me she had another hot flash.
James: Mom, you live all alone. If something happened to you here, or while you were out, I'd feel terrible if you couldn't call for help.
Me: I see your point, but I am not helpless. If I don't return Agnes or Betty's phone calls within 30 minutes they always send half the fire department down here to look for me.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes...

Oh lord, that woman scares me sometimes... You know, she's either whacked out on medication, or she woke up and forgot to put her brains back in her head.

I got this strange call from her just now:

Agnes: Madge, are you ready? I'm on my way over to pick you up.
Me: What are you talking about?
Agnes: Well hurry up and get dressed or we'll be late for temple.
Me: Agnes we're not Jewish, and it's only Monday afternoon.
Agnes: Oh, right... Well in that case, you wanna go out for lunch?
Me: It's a little too late for that, how about dinner?
Agnes: Sure, I'll see you at 6.
Me: Sigh, see you then.
Agnes: Shalom!

Suze Orman

Suze Orman...I am sick of her and her phony smile. I love lesbians, don't get me wrong, (hell I thought Agnes was a lesbian for the longest time) but Suze Orman needs to stop peddling her crap "advice."

Yet, people flock to her like she's Jesus. I'm sorry, but buying self help books won't solve all your problems, children. All you're doing by wasting money on these books is solving the publishers' problems of declining sales.

I am up early today.

I woke up earlier than usual today. I'm getting this weird cold that's stuck in my throat so I am having a hard time breathing without trying to hack up a hair ball. So I can't sleep. Oh well. I made myself a hot toddy and I am sipping it and looking out the window. It's so dark out!

Well, at some point this week I need to take Maxine to the vet for her little check up. She hates going to the vet so I have to sometimes drag her out to the car kicking and yelping just to get her there! But today I think I will lay down a trail of treats to the car and see if she will be tricked so easily. But if that fails, I've got the net...!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Oh I forgot to mention...

A few weeks ago I received a special offer in the mail from Chase. They are offering me a business account credit card with a fixed interest rate of 9.99% and the first year I get 0%. Plus they are offering me a limit of 7,000 dollars! Well I have three credit cards with different banks, and I do bank with Chase, which I can use the Chase card to protect my accounting, so I decided what the hell I will open an account! You can't beat 10 percent interest on a charge card (I rarely use them anyways.) So I am closing my other cards since their interest is so high.

So yesterday I finally received the card in the mail. I forgot that I had to list my "company" on the application so I put down "Madge & Associates, LTD." Ha ha! I can't wait to show Betty and Agnes this one!

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's truly the most wonderful time of the year. People are flocking to the stores charging themselves into the poor house and as a result I have to wait twice as long to check out. This is true even at Walgreens! And is it just me, or are they making Christmas decorations twice as ugly and charging twice as much money?

Bah humbug!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Every dish in my house was used!

So yes, I have a ton of washing up to do today. Every single dish I own was used at dinner yesterday. Oh and I got to get out of going shopping this morning. Nothing like faking a cold to be able to stay in on a cold morning! But hey, it was fun having all four of my kids gathered under the roof again. Only now I am so feeble that I could not spank them even if I tried.

But we did have some fun conversations about sex, which set Dana off on a tangent:

Dana: James! How dare you talk about something like that in front of your own mother?!
Me: Oh Dana lighten up. Just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm no longer interested in sex. Hell if Kevin Costner were in my bed, I'd ride him all day and all night!
James: Ugh, Mother!
Me: So go ahead, James, finish your story about your co-worker Bob and his steamy love affair with the manager...

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving takes it out of you...

Oh my Gawd, they are finally gone! I am so tired dear readers, so I'll have to make this brief. Aside from burning the stuffing, and everyone arriving late, and the demon-in-law Dana complaining about everything, it was still not a bad meal. And you know, it became more fun and interesting with each sherry too.

I have to go to bed now because my damn kids want to drag me out to the stores at four in the bloody morning! (Oh why me?!)

So if you excuse me, I need to finish my wine and go to bed where I can continue my fantasy involving my hands and Kevin Costner's hot, plump butt cheeks...Oh Kevin! Take me away!

Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hide me, kids, CHRISTMAS is now upon us!)

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Pie making ain't what it used to be.

This morning I got up at 6am to start making the pies for tomorrow. Good Gawd I forgot how hard making homemade pies can be. And little Maxine, bless her heart, kept wimpering so I let her have a taste. Kids, sheesh!

I have to make two apple pies for Thanksgiving, and I already bought the pecan pie from the bakery. Three pies should do it. My children have all called me and told me that this year they are skipping dessert because they don't want to gain weight...ha!

My apple pies are made with REAL butter and REAL sugar! And I do the latice tops too!!! They sing to you and I serve them with vanilla bean icecream on the side...

They won't be able to resist! Ha, ha ha!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Madge's cure for a cold day.

Here's how to survive a cold day:

You take a hot toddy, a blanket, a flashy romance novel with lots and lots of sex, and you sit in the easy chair next to the window and read while it is cold, and raining.

Unfortunatley I end up over heating this way, and for some reason I always end up wet down you know w-h-e-r-e. Maybe because I see Fabio on the front cover...?!

Monday, November 19, 2007

When not to patronize me...

My dear friends sometimes don't know when to stop. Especially when I am not in a good mood...

Agnes: Madge, how are you feeling?
Me: Picture Roseanne Barr on her period and after she just divorced Tom Arnold and stubbed her big fat toe in a door with splinters...
Agnes: Oh my, well you look lovely. Doesn't she look just lovely Betty?
Betty: Yes, just lovely.
Me: And I look even more lovely when I am sittin' on the can waiting to pass a kidney stone while using every ****ing swear word in the book!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Guess who ate my bunny slippers?

My little darling, Maxine, that's who ate my slippers! Aww, but look at those cute puppy eyes, I can't stay mad at her now can I? Well at least her little puppy teeth are now thoroughly flossed!

I can't sleep!!!

Here it is one in the morning and I still can't sleep! Learn this lesson from grandma, children: NEVER take a diuretic before going to bed, you'll regret it for days to come!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Oh! My Aching Butt!

I just got back from the store. It took me three hours to buy everything I need for Thanksgiving Dinner. Three hours of walking stiffly down aisle after aisle trying to get past a bunch of slow stupid people who seem to not understand the meaning of "excuse me, please."

When I say "excuse me please" I mean "move your fat carcass because you're in my damn way and I can't get past you." Don't stare at me and say, "huh?" You heard me you bubble head!

They had a huge sale on stuffing kits too. I got there just in time to grab the last case. (My family eats stuffing like it's going out of style.)

And then came the fun part: the turkey.

Those damn birds weigh a ton! Either I'm becoming more feeble, or those birds are packing on the pounds before Farmer Joe hauls them down to the ol' slaughter house. I had to ask a store clerk to help me lift one into my cart. And you know that guy had the nerve to stand there and gawk at me when I needed help? I told him a second time that I can't lift like I used to and I am old and frail. "Please help me sir." Finally the nitwit got the hint that old people do not have the strength of superman. He lifted the bird and instead of placing it nicely beside my other parcels, he dropped it in the cart and smashed my eggs!

My poor eggs! It took me 30 minutes to find a dozen that weren't cracked! So I screamed for a manager and took him by the ear and gave him a mouthful. That took an hour (because I like to play the mean old lady who has to bitch about everything.)

So then they offered to give me a voucher for a free dozen and I took it and went for more eggs. So here we are, three hours later. At least the bag boy was nice enough to package everything carefully, and he even went through the extra trouble to find me those paper sacks with the handles! Then he offered to carry my things to my car, which I gladly accepted. He even lifted that heavy turkey and put the straps of my trunk around it to keep it from smashing my groceries!

So I gave him a huge tip: 1.50. (ha ha!) No, I actually gave him a 20, and told him to pocket it without telling anyone.

Now, if you excuse me, dear children, grandma's got to go get the wagon and haul that heavy turkey in from the car. (This will take all afternoon!)

And this evening I'll open up one of the four bottles of wine I bought in the liquor department, Lord knows I need a few hits!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Tomorrow I must buy food for Thanksgiving.

I am going to need to get up early tomorrow. This year I am having Thanksgiving at my house (why, God, why?!) for the first time in a few years and I am going to make everything from scratch just the way grandma did for us in the 1930s.

Let's see, I need to get a 30 pound turkey, celery, stuffing kits, onions, garlic, butter, potatoes, cranberries, sugar, pie crust, pecans, corn syrup, milk, fresh green beans, corn, flour, baking soda, canned gravy, turkey broth (ok so not everything will be from scratch, but the kids will never know...) So yes, the menu will be: Turkey, Mashed Potatoes/Gravy, Savory Stuffing, Green Beans, Cranberry Sauce, Pecan Pie, and holiday cookies. Some of my guests will also be bringing desserts too, so we'll have quite a feast.

The only down side is, I have to also invite my inlaws. *shudders. I love my children-in-law, but only after I've knocked back a few sherries.

The worst of them is James' wife, Dana. Good lord, that woman's so perky I'd like to drive a nail through her head! And she uses that awful valley girl accent! Gah! I'd rather have my son married to a gay man than that women, because at least gay men are fun and entertaining. (And they do make the best Italian dishes I've ever eaten!) And I forgot to mention that Dana whines, excessively, and in a disgustingly superficial cheery manner. She's either too hot or too cold, or when I serve her food, it's too mushy, too spicy, too this too that. Hell, even Queen Elizabeth II isn't this picky!

So, next Thursday I'll have to crawl out of bed at four in the morning and stuff a handful of bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt just so Dana can complain about how I cooked the damn bird! I'll be sure to be crocked before she arrives!

Hello my dears.

I am sorry I haven't posted for awhile. The weather took a cold turn so I haven't been feeling well. And to make matters worse, Agnes kept calling me to make plans:

Agnes: Madge, do you want to go to lunch today?
Me: Not unless it involves taking a ton of NyQuil. *cough *cough
Agnes: Are you sick?
Me: What do you think?
Agnes: Well what ails you?
Me: I have just a slight touch of anthrax, dear, but what really ails me is your stupidity. *cough *cough *gasp *wheez *cough

So yes, today I am finally feeling better. Note to self: get Agnes some brains for Christmas.

Ok, now where I did put my hot toddy?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Vinegar (without the piss!)

Vinegar. Boy it sure is useful. Today I came across some tips I had never seen before.

The very first tip I got about vinegar came from ol great aunt Regina when I was ten years old. She told me to take a couple of swigs from the jug every day to keep the doctors away. (And at the time I was young and naive so I took a swallow and spat it all over myself.) I asked her, "How can you drink this stuff?" And she just chuckled and told me you get use to the tangyness after awhile. Everyone thought she was crazy for drinking cider vinegar like water, but the old Braud lived to be a 102, draw your own conclusions.

Here are some uses for Vinegar:

Make creamy scrambled eggs: as eggs thicken when scrambling, add a tablespoon of vinegar for every two eggs.

Rub vinegar on the cut end of uncooked ham to prevent mold.

Add a tsp. of vinegar and sugar to correct a too-salty taste (in any recipe).

Pour a dash of white vinegar on a cloth and lay it over a burn, including sunburn.

Try vinegar ice cubes to clean and deodorize a garbage disposal.

Pour a cup of vinegar into the dishwasher and run the empty machine through the whole cycle to get rid of soap buildup and odors.

Use a paste of vinegar and baking soda to clean tarnished brass, copper, and pewter, or the scorch marks on the bottom of an iron.

Renew sponges, loofahs, dingy white socks, and dish rags by letting them soak overnight in dilute vinegar.

Remove grease and grime from fan blades, oven interiors, tops of refrigerators, etc.

Pour 1/2 cup baking soda and 1 cup vinegar into a sandwich-sized or quart-sized plastic bag and tying over a scummy shower-head for an hour.

Clean toilet bowl rings by turning off the input spigot, removing water from the bowl, and laying vinegar-soaked paper towels on the ring for an hour or more.

Stretch any commercial window cleaner by combining it with 1/3 water and 1/3 vinegar.

Scrub fireplace bricks with vinegar.

Decrease static or dust accumulation of plastic or vinyl surfaces by wiping them down with vinegar and water.

Use vinegar on mildewed garments that cannot take bleach.

Wash new clothes with 1/2 cup white vinegar to eliminate manufacturing chemicals.

Remove odor and perspiration or deodorant stains by spraying vinegar on underarm or collar areas.

Make nylon hose look smoother and last longer by adding a tablespoon over vinegar to the rinse water.

Get salt stains off shoes with a dilute vinegar wipe.

Stop itching from insect stings or poison ivy by dabbing or spraying with vinegar.

To cut appetite and reduce weight, drink one glass of a mixture of vinegar, honey, and grapefruit juice before meals.

Pour vinegar wherever you don't want ants to congregate.

Add it to the kids' sandbox to discourage cats from employing it. Also, spray vinegar on furniture or surfaces you want a cat to leave alone.

Get rid of rust on spigots, tools, or bolts by soaking them.

Tighten the cane in a sagging chair by sponging it with a heated solution of 50/50 vinegar and water.

Wash skinned game with a 50/50 vinegar/water solution to reduce the gamey taste.

Add vinegar to a pet's drinking water to discourage fleas and mange.

My Metabolism.

My metabolism was super slow to begin with. But now that I'm old it's slowed down so much that even a glass of water makes me fat.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Parenting makes you grow old quick.

I love all four of my children very much, but thanks to them I got old. However, I have to admit that I did enjoy yelling at them for all the little things they did. Here is one of my favorite memories in the supermarket:

James and Bill were fighting over who would get to pick out the candy at check out. They finally worked up my nerves and I got their attention by screaming to the top of my lungs, "QUIT FIGHTING YOU TWO OR I'LL RAISE MY VOICE!"

Everyone stopped and stared, and who was embarrassed? Not me, them! To this day I take great pride in my ability to embarrass my kids in public. Hey, if they don't want to listen to mother, then mother will publicly humiliate the hell out of them.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Happy National Set Your Hair on Fire Day.

Ten Things that force Madge to set her hair on fire:

1. Childproof caps on medicine.
2. Having gas and hot the same time.
3. CVS Pharmacy.
4. People who use "like" in every sentence.
5. Social Security
6. Running out of Preparation H.
7. Inflated egos.
8. Idiots in positions of power (President Bush for example)
9. Donald Trump.
10. Watching a Kevin Costner film where he doesn't show us his ass.

Diets suck.

I stepped on the scale today and whoa! I gained ten pounds! How the hell'd that happen?! Suddenly everything is so much more jiggly. So I've decided it's back to many hunger pang filled nights after a measly supper of lettuce leaf with one radish as a side dish. Note to Madge, try to remember that gravy isn't a beverage!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Chef Madge

My grocery store had a sale on frozen Bertolli Italian dinners for 5.99. If you buy two, you get a salad kit, your choice of Mann's fresh cut vegetables and a package of chocolate chip cookies from the bakery for FREE if you buy two dinners. Well, I jumped on that.

When I got home, I phoned Agnes and Betty and told them about the sale. (It's an old lady thing, if there's a good sale by golly the first thing I do is call them both.) So I invited them over for dinner.

So I cooked the Bertolli Rigatone Sausage and Peppers in the skillet according to directions, and then I popped the Mann's vegetables in the microwave and I mixed up the Caesar salad kit. I arranged the cookies on a platter, and of course I tried one. They are very delicious, just like home made. I just put everything on the table so they should be here any minute. Gosh this food looks so good. Thank goodness I took a couple of Beano tablets!

Whoops! Gotta go, that's the door bell!

Thirteen Moons

Yesterday at the book store I stumbled upon a gem: Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier. They had hardcover copies on clearance for 5.99. Well, for one thing I loved the cover, it is very well done. Second, I read the description, very captivating. And then I read the first couple of pages. The writing is beautiful, spell binding, and filled with crisp, delicious descriptions. I immediately had to buy this book. And you know, I think I'll get a copy for Betty and Agnes because they too like to read Historical Fiction.

(Of course, I'll tell them that I paid 30 bucks per book instead of 6 bucks so that come Christmas time they'll feel obliged to spend that much on me!)

Update: I finished the book. Can you believe it? Not ONE scene of gratuitous sex?! They call this historical fiction?! We all know that cowboys and Indians had sex, otherwise there would be no people on the earth today!

Friday, November 9, 2007

My son's birthday.

Today is my youngest son's birthday so I gave him a call this morning:

Me: Happy Birthday James!
James: Thanks mom.
Me: What do you want for your birthday, son?
James: 1000 dollars.
Me: What?! I'm not sending you that much!
James: Come on, mom. You're loaded. Quit hoarding all the money for yourself and give some to us kids.
Me: But you kids already had it too good, now it's my turn. Besides, you never touched the principle: that money is for my old age.
James: Old age? Come on, mom, you don't leave finger prints anymore.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

I love Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

There's nothing I love more than a tasty Krispy Kreme doughnut. Unfortunately one is all it takes to completely block my arteries, and presto, I have a heart attack before I know it! (Not to mention my bowels declare anarchy.)
But the real kicker is that Betty can put away eight of those suckers, yet her cholesterol level is fine. Why, God, why?!

Oh Gawd!

Today's one of those days when I get gas and hot flashes. Do you know what that does to me? Huh? Huh? Do you?!

There's not enough Beano and Estrogen in Kansas City to get me through this terrible day!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Getting old isn't so bad...

Today at the drug store, I over heard two younger gals talk about growing older. One of them mentioned how she'd die if she suddenly lost her looks.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Honey, it's not so bad. The biggest shock came when I woke up one morning and found that my butt dropped by 6 inches, then a week later my boobs were suddenly 2 feet lower, but hey, you get used to it. Then, one day when your whacked out on medications, you just laugh at yourself when you accidentally kick a bun or a nipple..."

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Potato Salad + Stuffed Cabbage + Bean Salad + Corned Beef + Cherry Cheesecake = Weapons of Mass Destruction. (There's not enough Beano on the planet to stop a bomb like that!)


You know, everything I needed to know about raising children I learned from watching "Mommy Dearest."



Good Gawd it's cold! I woke up this morning with icecylces hanging from my sagging breasts. Fortunatley I was prepared for a cold day like this.

I've got ten space heaters, plus I put the central heating on full blast. I'm wearing 6 sweaters, 4 pairs of socks, and 3 pairs of pants, and I am covered with 4 quilts. Unfortunately, I can't move. I am stuck in this chair all day which is not good because my bladder will explode any minute...

The Lottery

Agnes: Did I tell you that I won the lottery?
Betty: Oh my gosh, really?!
Me: Can I be put in your will?
Agnes: Yes! I won 500 dollars! Isn't that exciting?
Me: I'm lactating.
Betty: Agnes, winning 500 dollars is not the same as winning the lottery.
Agnes: Is so. My scratch off ticket says I won 500 dollars. With that money, I no longer need my social security check!
Me: Did we inhale too many hairspray fumes again today, Agnes?

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


Agnes. I love her like a sister, but sometimes the woman's a complete moron.

A perfect example of this is two years ago the following conversation took place over the phone:

Me: Agnes, I have bad news. My oldest sister died yesterday.
Agnes: That's terrible! What happened?
Me: She was fighting terrorists in the Middle East, she was 89!!!
Agnes: Well, it was good that she was able to work right up to the end.

Monday, November 5, 2007

My Avon Lady

You know, thanks to the craziness of the time change, I completely forgot my 4 o'clock appointment with Prunella, my Avon lady. Just as I was walking out the door to go to Walgreens, there she was on my porch with a basket of goodies.

So I invited her in and she gave me a facial, and she did my makeup...

Prunella: Viola! What do you think Madge?
Me: My Gawd! I look like a 65 year old drag queen!
Prunella: Well I told you I'd make you look ten years younger.
Me: Yes, but did you have to make me look like Tim Burton on crack?!
Prunella: Now now, Madge. Here, I brought you some bath beads made with real milk.
Me: Great. Then when I'm soaking and I get hungry, I'll add some Raisin Bran .

Damn time change!

I swear, if I ever find out who invented daylight savings time, I'll kill them! And if they're already dead, I'll dig em up and kill em again!

I just spent my whole day completely unaware that I forget to change all twenty of my clocks back. (Yes, you read right, I have twenty clocks. Hey, I'm old, I need constant reminding of the time.)

And those two scoundrels Agnes and Betty either forgot themsleves, or they were being too nice to clue me in.

Hell, no wonder they were both an hour late for lunch today!

Company Today.

Betty and Agnes came over for lunch, I made sandwiches. Here's the highlight of their visit:

Agnes: Madge, do you have any more kleenex?
Me: Yes, they're in my top dresser door inside my bras.
Agnes: What are they doing there?
Me: I was blowing my breasts, Agnes.

Do you know...?

Do you know that when I set my hearing aid on high I can hear a canary break wind from a block away?!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

This is why I have a shotgun handy...

So this evening I got a phone call from Betty...

Me: How's your Sunday, Betty?
Betty: I'm exhausted.
Me: How come?
Betty: Someone rang my doorbell at 3 this morning.
Me: Who was it?
Betty: I dunno, I didn't answer. Who would ring a doorbell at 3am?
Me: A Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem?!

Walgreens has me to thank...

Walgreens has me to thank for their sales growth of 13.4%

Why? you ask. Well, let's see. I've got to have my Beano for you know w-h-a-t, I need pads for my bunions, I've got ten warts I'm slowly killing off with those handy dandy wart removal kits, I buy toilet paper and kleenex like it's going out of style, I've got Ben Gay for the knees, Vicks vapor rub for my chest, Halls cough drops for my throat, Heating pads for my neck, Tums for my acid reflux, seven kinds of diuretics for the rest of the digestive system, and I always stock up on Calmoseptine ointment for my you know w-h-e-r-e when my bladder gets out of control.

Do they still teach English in school?

This afternoon I went down to the coffee shop to buy some more tea. (I love their teas, they are so fresh and all organic too.)

I stood behind this young gal who couldn't have been older than 21. I noticed she was taking forever and there was a long line behind us. I kid you not, here is how she ordered her beverage:

"I want like a latte like...with like skim...and like medium size...with like no 145 degrees...two like one pump of like sugar free vanilla...and like...and like an extra shot..."

It took her five minutes to get all that out. (And you should have seen the look on that cashier's face!) And it urked me that she used "like." in every phrase. Then her phone rang and she went on in a long tirade of "like" and "she was like...and he was like..."

Good Gawd! Do they not teach kids how to speak proper English anymore?! It disturbed me so much that I'm extra gassy tonight. (LOOK OUT!)

Madge's lesson of the day: Never abuse the English language around any teacher or former teacher!

Why I never drive.

Today I actually drove my car for the first time in a while. I usually never drive anywhere because the gas prices are too high and with my senior discount, I can get around pretty well on the bus. If it wasn't for Agnes, I would have stayed home today.

Agnes called me and asked if I wanted to pick her up, go to lunch, and take her to the drugstore. I figured why the hell not. So I start up the sucker, back it out and I damn near take out my mailbox. After I recover from my mild stroke, I step on the gas and head over to her house.

The real frustration set in when I was making a right turn on Kennedy, and I could not go because of the pedestrians. Well, some senseless boob pulls up behind me and starts honking. I throw up my hands and start swearing. The honking persists and finally I am able to complete my turn. Then that jerk pulls around me, honks, and gives me the finger. So I gave it back double, and that arrogant prick honks again and speeds off.

Where is my shotgun when I need it?

Saturday, November 3, 2007

The Nerve!

To the folks at AT&T. Quit calling me. I paid my damn bill already, quit telling me you never received the check. No, I don't want to charge my monthly bills to my credit card, it's for emergency only. No, I will not give you my checking account numbers over the phone. Bush is listening in and I'll be damned if he gets my savings to buy more booze for his daughters. No I do not want to upgrade my service or add on a cell phone or cable or any of your other crappy services, I am paying you idiots too damn much to begin with.

I said I am not interested in adding on services, quit trying to sell me things I don't need! I want to you fix this billing problem.

Yes. I told you, I mailed out the check two weeks ago, yes I sent it to the correct address. Are you accusing me of being too old and feeble to pay my bills? Ok, well if that's how you want to be, fine, there many other corrupt money hungry phone companies out there who'll give me a good long distance/internet service package! (Click)

Think twice before you speak.

Well the trip to Dillons wasn't as fun as I hoped. (Normally I love grocery shopping, but today was one of the few times I didn't.)

First of all, the store was out of the butter they had on sale. I talked to a manager and she said they wouldn't have any in till Tuesday. I protested because the sale ends tomorrow, but she gave me a rain check. (Great! I'll have to make another trip, and it's supposed to rain all day Tuesday!)

Second, they moved the peanut butter to another aisle, and after walking around the store ten times, I had to ask someone where it was. (Who the hell puts peanut butter in the back of a store next to a display of Preparation H?)

Third, the cashier over charged me and forget to take my savings card and coupons. When I brought this to his attention, he shook his head apologized and then he proceeded to call me "sir."

Sir? I know I'm old and that I usually look like hell, but how many 75 year old brauds run around with 5 o'clock shadow?

It's Saturday.

Saturday. Time to do my cleaning. This is the day I also get the most exercise, naturally. I start my mornings by playing one of my jazz records (yes I still use a record player, and today I am listening to Miles Davis.) And then I get to work with the washing and ironing (I use Tide, in case you're curious.) After the laundry, I sweep and mop my floors, dust my bookshelves, arrange my knick knacks, clean and water all my plants, vacuum the carpets, clean out the bathroom, and prepare a shopping list for the afternoon in case I forgot anything on my main shopping day.

By the time Saturday evening rolls around, I usually reward myself with a glass of brandy and a good book in my comfy chair next to the window. I have a large sack of novels Agnes gave me to read. Right now I am finishing up The Maytrees by Annie Dillard and then I'll start on one of those Rex Stout Nero Wolfe mysteries Agnes gave me. (I do love Rex Stout's work.)

Ok, well my little break is here is coming to an end, so I better finish the ironing and get on to other chores. Have a wonderful Saturday!

Friday, November 2, 2007

My butt's asleep!

Well the movie was nicer than I thought it would be. I avoided the popcorn, and refused to get a soda with Agnes. Betty had some candy, which surprised me given how much she ate at the Olive Garden. I admit, I had a little too much wine, but hell it was worth it. Betty had a great time and she loved the Maxine card.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the film and when Betty and Agnes woke me up, my butt was completely numb. Slowly I staggered with them and they hailed the cab while I sat on the bench outside the theater trying my best to get my blood flowing to my rump again. I about fell through my front door, but now I am sipping on a hot toddy and I feel better. Well dear children, good night. Grandma's off to bed.

Going to the Movies...

Well today is Betty's 71st birthday, which means I had to book it to CVS and get her one of those Maxine birthday cards that joke about old age, sagging wrinkled tits, and loss of control over bowel functions. This evening Agnes and I are treating Betty to the Olive Garden. (This means I'll need to load up on Tums and of course, I always keep my Beano stash on me.)

After dinner we are going to see that new film about Queen Elizabeth I. Honestly I must admit I am looking forward to seeing it. And this, my dears, comes from an old lady who hates movies in general. I especially hate going to the theater and here's why:

1. I always gag on popcorn kernals and cough all throughout the film.
2. If I drink their large sodas, I end up stuck on the can during the movie.
3. The theaters smell like sock sweat.
4. Movies all suck, especially in the last ten years.
5. You never see Kevin Costner's ass on the big screen anymore.
6. I could eat for a week on what it costs to buy the damn tickets.
7. People's phones ring non-stop, so I can never hear anything.
8. People slobber on me when they eat, and then they proceed to belch in my hearing aides.
9. People cut loose thinking no one will notice.
10. I'd rather read the smut in a trashy romance novel than to see it in too much detail on the big screen...

So Betty better like this birthday celebration or else I'll kick the old Braud down a flight of stairs. Happy Birthday, Betty.

Christmas in November?

I was in CVS this morning getting some more ointment for my...well, you get the picture. In the front of the store they have all the Halloween things on clearance, fine, good riddens I say. But as soon as I turn into an aisle I see nothing but Christmas crap! Wait a minute, children. Either I'm gettin' old, or Christmas now falls in November.

I just don't understand this. They brought out Halloween merchandise in August, and now they're brining out Christmas things. Whatever happened to Thanksgiving Day? (My favorite holiday for many reasons.)

And after Christmas ends, they throw out the Valentine's Day stuff a whole month early. What nitwits!

I blame Hallmark for this lunacy!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

This is why I prefer to take a cab.

Buses. Boy do I have so many stories to share with you, dear children. But for now I'll tell you one from this morning. I was taking the bus to the grocers, Thursdays are my main shopping day. (I was out of Sara Lee's roast beef, which I enjoy everyday for lunch on a kaiser roll with lettuce, tomato, red onion, mustard, and banana peppers. Yes, I live dangerously, I know.)

So anyways, I digress. Across from me sat an older gentleman, about 78 or so. He had all his own hair, his own teeth, and he carried no cane, so yes, he was a cutie patootie. Anyways, I noticed he was giving me the eye, and I thought, what? Did I have something stuck in my teeth? No, he winked at me, nodded and gave me a look that said "I want to get to know you better..." So I smile, and bat my eyes, and giggle like a school girl. But then he points to his you know w-h-e-r-e and winks again.

Well, my dears, being the respectible God-fearing widow that I am, I stood up, looked the fella straight in his eyes and said, "Fat chance, grandpa!" With that, I stepped off that bus with my chin held high.

Madge's 10 Warning Signs of Death.

Madge Sinclair's Ten Warning Signs of Death:

1. Your children start visiting you during the week.
2. Your doctor won't let you post-date a check.
3. You can't eat Cream of Wheat because it's too spicy.
4. Getting out of bed turns into a 60 minute workout.
5. Drinking water makes you tipsy.
6. The funeral home insists you make an appointment now before they get booked up.
7. Instead of giving you communion, the priest gives you the Last Rites.
8. Sleeping is your only form of exercise.
9. You've fallen and you don't want to get up.
10. You can't nibble on a saltine cracker because it's too high in fiber.

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.