Thursday, May 29, 2008


I spent most of the day in bed, yes I am still not feeling too well. I went to the doctor this morning and he gave me an antibiotic and told me the classic line of "drink plenty of liquids and get plenty of rest." Please, tell me something new for 80 dollars!

So I grabbed a novel, put on a large kettle and curled up in my bed until 1 and then I put on some soup, had a slice of toast and went back to bed. Betty came by an hour ago to check on me, and she brought some homemade pot pie, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Friends are those who are there for you, and if they really love you, they'll bring you homemade goodies like pot pie!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

If only I had a hitman...

So Dana just called and said that I need to contribute money to her church's local exodus group. I told her that she is over four hundred miles away (thank God) and that I don't believe in "curing" gay people of who they are. Then she lectured me for 15 minutes, I couldn't even get a word in. Then when she shut her trap I told her that she and her church are psychologically and spiritually abusing God's gay children. Gays don't need to be "cured" of anything. At my church we have an openly gay vicar who has been with his partner for 10 years and I adore them both. I occasionally have them over for tea and they are funny as hell and probably the most Godly people I've ever met.

Dana finally hung up on me and that's when I called my son and gave him a guilt trip he'll never forget. He swore he had nothing to do with her church's organization. I raised my son to know better than to oppress others (though I told him feel free to oppress any religious lunatics). He swore again that he still avoids going to her church--she's a southern baptist, they are nuts, I tell you, just flat out nuts!

To this day I'll never know why my son decided to shack up with a crazy southern baptist. If he divorces her, I'll become a celibate nun.

A special note to my fellow Episcopalians: NEVER let your children marry outside the Episcopal Church, you'll regret it for the rest of your lives!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Et Tu, Weather?!

What the hell?! Yesterday I was burning up, my wrinkles were full of sweat! And now this morning it is cold! And worse, I woke up with a scratchy throat. I was supposed to go bowling with Agnes and Betty at Krazy Lanes, but I just can't. I am tired and under the weather.

This whole day I have had the space heater on high, and I have gargled about a gallon of warm salt water, not to mention the 4 cans of chicken soup I've eaten. And if I have to sip on one more cup of hot tea, I think I'll go mad. And the worst of the worst is that I had to cancel my 2:00 with Flo. I was supposed to get my hair done and my face pampered with her one-of-a-kind spa facials! Oh to be pampered!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Picnic for Memorial Day

Well, I'm off to Agnes' to ride with her and Betty to the park. We are having our annual Memorial Day Picnic in the park. It's a nice time for us to get together and eat potato salad, loose meat sandwiches, baked beans, fried chicken, and have soda, and a watermelon. I did go visit my husband's grave and left him a nice bouquet of flowers early this morning. It was almost touching until I remembered what a Nazi he was at times.

Now back to the picnic. This year will be Maxine's first picnic with us (I got her back last June.) So I will have her leashed to the tree next to the shelter and she can chase butterflies.

Let's see...this year I have to bring the potato salad, so I made it the way my mother used to make it: with bacon, and sliced pickle. It really is delicious, don't knock it till you try it.

I have everything ready to go. Ok, Maxine, let's go meet the girls and head to the park!

Happy Memorial Day!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Tea with Betty and Agnus...

Teatime today was not as pleasant as it could be...

Betty: I love these new scones you made, Agnus.
Agnus: Thank you. I altered the original recipe and added more Apricot. Madge, what do you think?
Me: If I wanted this much apricot, I would go buy myself a bag full at Dillons.
Betty: What's wrong, Madge, did your tea grow cold?
Agnes: Yeah, why are you in such a mood?
Me: Forgive me, girls, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and it's starting to get on my nerves!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Oil Executives: "Don't Blame Us!"

I am just as pissed about the gas prices as all of you are, dear children. Which is why when CNN talked about the oil executives testifying to the Senate, I had to stop flipping the channel just for a moment. (I never watch CNN, but I figured, hey this has got to be entertaining.)

So of course, the oil executives blame the wars in the Middle East and the lack of drilling in the U.S. for their price gouging. I am sure they are all lamenting on their way to the bank to cash another 50 million dollar bonus check for bringing in more money to their companies.

Although they did show the clip where Senator Durbin of Illinois laid a guilt trip on them, and the executives looked like they were about to shit themselves... ha ha ha! But of course they came back with more excuses. You know what I have to say about this: Oil executives should cut their fat salaries in half and that would help lower the costs.

But never will you hear any of them advocate for that...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Madge's Mediterranean Salad

I serve this salad with the balsamic vinaigrette.


Baby Spring mix
Chicken breast
Kalamata olives (my favorite type of olives)
Red onion
Roma tomato
Artichoke hearts

What I like to do to be creative is to arrange the bed of spring mix
first, then I portion each ingredient into it's own little area of the
plate to make an artful arrangement.

New York Style Cheesecake

New York Style Cheesecake Recipe

New York style cheesecake recipes are made with a combination of cream cheese and Italian cheese cakes made with ricotta cheese. In the early 1920's, this particular silky style of cream cheese was developed in the New York area.

New York style cheesecake recipes were introduced by Jewish delicatessens in New York City. Arnold Reuben Jr., owner of the legendary Turf Restaurant at 49th and Broadway in New York City and a descendant of immigrants from Germany, claimed his family developed the first cream cheese cake recipe. Reuben’s cheesecake was so good, it won a Gold Metal at the 1929 World’s Fair.

The superior qualities that make Reuben’s classic New York style cheesecake are a graham cracker crust, a creamy texture, and distinct lemon flavor that is firm but light in density. Below you will find his Classic New York Style Cheesecake recipe.

Classic New York Cheesecake

Heavily coat 10-inch spring form pan with cooking spray
1 1/2 cups commercial graham cracker crumbs
5 Tbsp. butter
1 tsp. honey
1/4 cup sugar

Mix ingredients together with hands until well blended and crumbs appear moist. Pour into pan. With hands, spread evenly across the bottom and pat down firmly.

5 8-ounce bars cream cheese, at room temperature
2 Tbsp. flour
1 Tbsp. confectioners' sugar
11/2 cups sugar
grated rind of 1 lemon
1/2 tsp. orange liqueur
3/4 tsp. vanilla
2 egg yolks at room temperature
5 eggs at room temperature

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Place first five ingredients in large mixing bowl and beat on high until they are completely blended. Add vanilla and 2 yolks, and beat again. Add eggs one at a time, beating well. Pour into prepared pan. Batter will fill pan. Bake for 10 minutes. Top will be golden. Lower oven temperature to 200 degrees and bake for 35 to 45 minutes or until top browns, cake feels bouncy to the touch, and a toothpick tests clean. Cool to room temperature. Serve immediately or cover and refrigerate. Bring to room temperature before serving.

Yield: 16-20 slices

The history of cheesecake is believed to have originated in ancient Greece. The first recorded mention of cheesecake was when it was served to the athletes during the first Olympic Games held in 776 BC. Centuries later, cheesecake appeared in America. The recipes were brought over by the immigrants.

If you ask a New Yorker, the only true cheesecake makers and connoisseurs are in New York. Every New York restaurant has their own version and thus the cheesecake from New York has been re-named New York cheesecake.

I hope you enjoy this New York style cheesecake recipe.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Trinity Sunday

Today was Trinity Sunday. The procession at church included the burning of incense, which I like, but did that priest have to fog up the whole sanctuary with it? I am old, I have a hard time breathing on my own as it is.

My dress smells of the stuff, but honestly, that's ok. I love it. Just not in excess.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Why I like being Episcopalian...

Because we got half the Catholic and twice the fun!


That cat really did a number on my plastic flamingo. That's ok, I needed new lawn ornaments anyways.

Well, this morning I slept in a little to make up for last night, and then when I woke up I gave myself a full facial. While the deep cleaning mask was doing its trick, I sipped on some Nescafe and listened to National Public Radio for the news.

Well today I need to get my shopping done, and then I have to pull weeds, clean house, and get ready to go to Applebee's with Agnes and Betty this evening.

It is going to be a busy day!

I thought I heard a prowler outside...

I thought I heard a prowler outside, and I almost called the police. But I opened my curtain and saw that the neighbor's cat was trying to mate with my plastic flamingos, and went to the kitchen for a late night snack.

Nothing like cookies and warm milk to take the edge off of being up in the middle of the night. I let Maxine out for a few minutes and she was glad to come back in--it's cool out there tonight.

I hate being up in the middle of the night, it causes me to have more bags under my eyes. Oh well, I guess tomorrow I will have to apply twice the Oil of Olay. Good night!

Friday, May 16, 2008

What a beautiful morning...

The sun is shining, the birds are singing (and defecating on my car!) But that's ok. I have my Vanilla flavored Nescafe so the world is good.

Oh wait, excuse me...


Thursday, May 15, 2008

Special Message for a fan


Don't give up on your quest to get published. I know you got what it takes to get published, so DON'T GIVE UP! (If you do, I'll have Agnes come over and show you her gall bladder scars and she will tell you in great detail all about her surgery.)

I am crossing my fingers for you, Kid.



Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tea Party

Tonight I hosted a little tea party for myself, Agnes, Betty, Lou Anne, Debbie, and Shirley. I haven't thrown a party like this for a long time. I even used my best china too. I served three kinds of hot tea, and I had several kinds of scones to accompany the tea.

After the tea time, we played cards, and I lost twenty bucks to Lou Anne (although to be frank, that poor girl needs the money to buy herself some real make up, not that 1-dollar crap she gets at Big Lots.)

Maxine enjoyed the company and everyone sure enjoyed her. I got so many compliments about what a cute puppy she is, and how well behaved she is. They asked me what my secret was, so I gave in, "Every time Maxine does something bad, I threaten to send her to China One Buffet, and that usually does the trick."

"Her?" Shirley asked. "I thought she was a boy." Poor Shirley. That stroke did her no favors. She put down a 100 and thought it was a ten. I lost that hand to Agnes too (that lucky Braud!)

Ok, I need to get off of here and go wash and polish my china set. Good night!

It's that time of the month...

Time to pay off the Master Card. I only use it for when I eat out with Agnes and Betty, primarily because I get 5% cash back when I use it at restaurants, and I usually spend about 4000 a year in eating out, so 5% of that is 200 dollars in rewards checks, which I use to buy Nescafe at the store.

All in all, it ain't a bad deal.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Oh no, stuck again!

Kids! Quick! Call for help! I did it AGAIN! I forgot to turn the heat on in the bathroom and I sat down on the stool and now my butt cheeks are stuck to the seat! Help, I've squatted and I can't get up!

Here Maxine! Here, girl! Push the TV into the bathroom for grandma so she can watch Law & Order until the paramedics arrive! (And hopefully those hot firefighters will arrive first again so I can get me some action!)


Is this set not beautiful? Mary Kay does make good products, but who the hell wants to pay $60.00 for this?

Now this is my facial set. I bought two Olay products and two L'Oreal products. Total cost: $21.00 And would you know, this is the SAME as Mary Kay's 60-dollar kit? Sure I had to buy two different brands, but it is the same kit.

Now, my dears if you excuse me, it is 8:30, time for my half hour facial. It takes me a half hour because I use this on my face and my behind. Hey, laugh all you want, but I still have smooth skin down there...

Only Agnes would do this...

Today Agnes, Betty, and my sexy self were having lunch at Applebees when our waiter (a cute college kid) asked us how we were doing. Anges stood up, pulled up her shirt and revealed her gall bladder scars. "My scars are itching badly, but aside from that, I'm fine."

That poor kid. I don't think he's ever seen so many markings on a 200 year old body before. Needless to say, this did not ruin my appetite. I had their boneless buffalo chicken platter with a side of fries, and it was delicious. Unfortunately, I drank so many diet cokes with lemon and lime that when we went to mall, I had to spend two hours on the can.

I still made it to the C.O. Bigelow shop for some hand cream, oooh! They make the best hand cream!

So all and all, not a bad day!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Double the holidays.

Today is mother's day and it is the Day of Pentecost for us Episcopalians. That means, I get to both eat a lot of sweets, and drink a hell of a lot of wine to commemorate both holidays today.

I love being an Episcopalian woman!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Oh dear Lord...

I got my first mother's day present from one of the children: a cheddar cheese carving of the virgin mother. I'm Episcopalian, I can't spread the holy mother over a Ritz cracker...

Friday, May 9, 2008

Walgreens, you must want all my retirement money!

So today after the Noon Day Mass at my Episcopal church, I go to Walgreens for a few things, and lo and behold, another huge sale on all kinds of goodies! What's a retired woman to do? SHOP! So I did. I stocked up on some more cleaning supplies, Beano, cosmetics, and I bought some potting soil because I need to repot the rest of my indoor plants before I put them out on the patio in June.

And with Mother's day coming, I need to go buy some flowers for mama's grave. I always gave her fresh cut flowers when she was alive, and I still give her flowers to this day.

Ok, gotta go, Maxine is wimpering to be let out.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Avon, eat your heart out!

Today Walgreens had a superb sale on cosmetics! You buy one get one 50% off! Hot damn! And just this morning Prunella, my Avon lady called me and asked if there was anything I needed to stock up on, I wisely told her no. Not with this sale anyways! So I headed there after church and picked up some facial products from Olay and Loreal Paris. I thought I'd go wild and give myself facials every other day now. I know Avon and Mary Kay have the same products, but I am saving a bundle by going to Walgreens.

I bought Olay's sensitive skin face cleanser and deep cleansing mask. I then bought Loreal Paris' refreshing toner (alcohol-free) and their anti-wrinkle moisturizer for my face. I was also running low on lip stick, eye liner, and foundation.

I came home and immediately gave myself a facial. This stuff works just as well as Mary Kay and Avon! When I put on the clay mask, Maxine saw me and wanted to lick it off my face. Silly puppy! That mask really sucks the dirt out of your skin. The tube says to use it 1-2 times a week, and I can see why! The toner is really good too. It gets my skin ready for moisturizing. The anti-wrinkle cream is another good buy, my face feels so smooth now, as if I knocked the years off of it!

Now, maybe if I hurry to the bar, I can pick up a rich old fart who is looking for a beneficiary!

Don't wait up!

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The warm weather is here.

Which means tomorrow I have to throw on my faded overalls and let Maxine out on her leash to watch and giggle as I attempt to bend over and dig in my garden so that I can plant my seedlings I bought from Dillons today. Let's see... I have pansies for the porch, snap dragons for the east side of the house, merigolds for the south side of the house, and I bought an assortment of shade loving flowers for the north window boxes so I can look at them when I do dishes. The west side of the house (the back yard) is Maxine's dog yard. If I even try to plant flowers back there, she will trample them, or eat them. Puppies. Go figure!

Oh my gosh!

I was at the Salvation Army today and I found a treasure trove of old records. (Yes, I still have my old record player, it is still in tip top shape!) So I found some Miles Davis, Gershwin, Billie Holiday, and yes, even a Martha and the Vandellas record!

So today I came home, played the records, got out the accordion and jammed. And would you know? Maxine yelped and ran under the bed. I guess she is still not used to the accordion...poor girl!

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.