Friday, October 31, 2008

What an easy Halloween!

First of all, not one of my trick-or-treaters were rude or mischievous! So the good news there is I don't need to buy new booby traps next year.

And the better news is they loved my caramel apples! And I don't have a drop of candy left in the house. Maxine was a very big help this year, she was grandma's little helper and the kids just loved her!

So yes, it was a nice night, I had a lot of kids stop by, as expected, and it was a nice time had by all. Well, I'm off to bed, I'll take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Thanksgiving decorations tomorrow. Whew, the holidays are here, my friends!

Geez oh Pete, it's Halloween!

And this year I'm expecting a larger crowd of trick-or-treaters. Let's see, I have the caramel apples, the bags of assorted candies, my wicked witch costume, and all the booby traps laid out on the front porch in case any of those whipper snappers decides to get smart with grandma!

Oh! And here's a photograph of Maxine helping me out with the decorations. She did a very good job, extra puppy treats for her!

Happy Halloween! Be safe out there, and look out, at midnight tonight I will be flying across the country on my broomstick to go torment Bush at the White House, muah hahahahahaaaa!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Happy Birthday Blog!

Well here it is, one year ago today I joined the online community by launching my very own web page to come and write about my daily antics and musings. Gosh by golly I cannot believe it has been one full year! What a year we've had, kids! To celebrate, I have posted my very first entry below for you all to gawk at and remember when this 76 year old Braud decided to throw her inhibitions aside and come out on the internet to write her own blog!

Happy Birthday Blog! To celebrate, I have selected a new, sexier design for you all to enjoy!

Love you all,


Ok, now here's that first entry I did a year ago...

October 30, 2007

Heeeeere's Madge!

Well hi there. My name is Madge Sinclair, I'm a hip old braud who lives in Kansas City. I retired ten years ago after a life long lucrative career of raising four kids and living with an ill-tempered husband who ran me like a servant. (Actually I taught Art and Art History at my local community college for many years.)

But I survived it, folks. I am in my 70s, and I live each day with gratitude that my husband is dead and my kids grown and out of the house. For once I can do whatever the pork I want and no one will stop me, not now not ever! (Fortunately, my husband left me a nice sum, so look out kids, granny's loaded!) Oh! Ouch, yep, I'm loaded right now...excuse me...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I'm all ready for Halloween!

Well kids,

I'm all ready for my trick-or-treaters:

I've got 6 bags of candy (last year I learned the hard way, give out LOTS of candy!), I also have my front porch decked out in cobwebs, skeletons, ghosts, and jack-o-lanterns. And! I bought Maxine a new puppy costume: she is going to be an Oscar Meyer Wiener for Halloween!

Now, if you excuse me, kids, I need to get started on my caramel apples. This year I decided to give out caramel apples to help the kids get something somewhat nutritious to eat on Halloween night.

Oh! This Thursday marks my one year anniversary of doing this online journal! What a year we've had! Lots of gas, laughs, old lady moments, and plenty of good fun!

A special thank you to all my devoted readers, most notably, Church Lady aka Chris, Peggy, Brandi, Lynn, Brooke, and Irisrainbow!

And to those of you who read but don't post a comment, I love you too!

Happy Halloween 2008!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Oh my gosh!

I just received my first text message! Oh who is it from? Free message from AT&T? What the hell are they sending me text messages for?! I paid my damn bill two, three weeks ago! Oh, it says, thank you for paying your bill, blah, blah, blah. Well isn't that nice of them to thank me! I'll have to write them a nice thank you letter, and then I'll bitch to them about the fact that my phone bill was over 70 dollars last month!

Well I just got home from church.

I decided to go to the 8am service, which is the spoken Eucharist, which was lovely. Very monastic. I usually go to the 10 o'clock service but here in an hour, Agnes, Betty, and I are going to be heading out to the mall for lunch and a shopping spree. Agnes won a hundred bucks from bingo this week so she said she'd treat us all to lunch at the mall. (I just hope she wrote this down, given how her mind comes and goes so quickly!)

So yes, I think I'll stop by that lovely bath and body store to pick up some hand creams and oh, I'd love to buy one of those do it yourself foot massage kits too! My feet could sure use some pampering, I just went through corn hell recently, and we're talking lump city, folks. My feet are in dire need of pampering!

Gee, I probably shouldn't be posting so much personal information on the internet, huh? Ah what the hell, you all know I'm gassy and old, I might as well tell you about the corns too!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

So yesterday I had to renew my license...

Oh I hate having to renew that damned driver's license! And every time I go in for a booklet, they make the driving rules harder and more difficult to comprehend. Look, the only rules we need are 1. Don't speed and 2. Don't hit anyone or anything.

To be honest, kids, I am a horrible test-taker. In the middle of the exam, I cursed out loud, stomped my heels, and finally, I lost it and I broke my pencil in two and tore the test in half. The BMV clerk gave me a funny look, and I snapped, "What's the matter?! Haven't you seen an old woman freak out on a test before?!"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Oh my goodness food is expensive!

I could hardly believe my eyes! $7.99 for a box of 50 trash bags?! 50 cents for Ramen? 3.49 for a cheaply made loaf of bread?! 3.69 for a half gallon of milk?! Apples for 3.49 a pound?!

This is outrageous! No wonder so many families are hurting so badly in our country! I just spent over a hundred dollars myself and that's just for me and Maxine for the week! Even Maxine's generic puppy chow has gown sky high, and I don't know why. Half the stuff they put in that dog food is cardboard and filler. Nescafe is now up to twelve bucks too, oh Lord, help us all!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Talk about the Power of Prayer...!

So tonight I was on one of the longest phone calls I've ever had with Agnes. I finally had it, so I prayed softly, "Dear LORD please make Agnes shut up about the Young and the Restless, and I'll give up my steamy novels for a month in return!"

Sure enough, Agnes said, "Oh Madge, I need to go, I have a phone call coming in on the other line, it may be my daughter, I'll tell you about the rest of the story tomorrow over lunch!"

So how about that?! And I thought God was sick of hearing from me by now! So a deal's a deal, folks. No steamy novels till Thanksgiving, and tomorrow I'll be in roast beef heaven so Agnes can yap all she wants about that damn TV show.

I guess I finally got a win-win deal. It only took 76 years!

I thought the meeting would never end!

Good Lord, I hate long meetings! I know it was important, it is time to send out our monthly church bulletin, but still, two hours! This does not sit well with someone who is so gassy and advanced in age!

Thank God for Beano!

Friday, October 17, 2008

It's Friday morning!

Where the hell's the garbage man? It's Friday, and the trash cans are lining the street! Where did I put my hazelnut flavored creamer? I can't have my Nescafe without it! Where the hell's my USA Today? I know they have 49 other states to deliver to, but dammit, I'm old! I can't start my day without my newspaper!

It's going to be a long Friday!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The funniest reference to McCain and Palin yet...

Being that I am older than John McCain I should be offended by this, but at the same time, I laughed till I peed...and then I laughed at that!

I was reading USA Today online and I saw the comments, someone referred to McCain and Palin as:

The Mummy and the Dummy '08

Oh crap, I think I just cut one again...!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


I swear, Agnes isn't paddling with both oars in the water...

Earlier today on my cellular phone:

Me: Agnes, before we go to our bridge game tonight, I need to stop and get some Nescafe.
Agnes: Why do you wanna go to the cafe? We'll be having appetizers.
Me: I didn't say I wanted to go to the cafe, I said I wanted to buy some more Nescafe.
Agnes: You want to buy a cafe? Since when did you decide to go into the restaurant business?
Agnes: Well then why the hell did you mention buying a cafe?!
Me: Look, let's stop by Dillon's on our way to Betty's capisce?!
Agnes: Now you're making a little more sense. Wait till Betty hears about your plans to run a restaurant!
Me: Oy vey iz mir!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Oh Lord, I'll sure be busy on Halloween...!

Yes, this means that grandma will have to buy triple the candy this year, and I'll have to set twice the booby traps because every little ankle biter on my street will coming down to Madge's on Halloween! Sheesh!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Oy vey!

I knew I shouldn't have gone for that foot long at Subway! But those suckers were 5 bucks a pop! (Who can resist the Italian herbs and cheese bread?!) Now I am so gassy I feel like I'll explode at any moment, and the damn Beano ain't a workin'! I think the Beano company has cut back on spending money on making an effective product because now I have to pop five of those suckers just to get any relief!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

This one is from my daughter!

So I get this lovely email...

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Well hello kids!

How was your weekend? Mine was pleasant despite the fact that my phone rang off the hook. Agnes thinks Alf is living with her again, so she keeps telling me of all his funny shannigans. I stopped telling her that Alf is a fictional character long ago, she just thinks the way she thinks.

Anyways, today I took the day off and I went up to the Metro North Mall for a mid morning walk. I stopped in the pet shop and bought Maxine a doggie bone for being such a good girl and then I went down to AT&T to pay for my first cellular phone bill.

Yes, I finally took to the cellular phone on my own in late August even though my son had bought me one of those prepaid cellular phones a year before. (That thing was crap!) So in August I bought this pearl colored phone designed for seniors. That sucker is easy to use with large buttons and when I open it, the thing automatically answers my calls. Since I decided to get rid of my landline and just keep my internet only, the AT&T man suggested that since I am now using my cellular phone as my primary line, I should go with the 900 minutes package for 60 dollars a month. I have unlimited night and weekend calling along with no long distance charges, which is great because now I can call the kids without watching my time! Oh and I found out that both of my daughters have AT&T which means we can talk for free! All this for 60 dollars?! Hotdamn!

You know, it is kind of nice to be able to go anywhere and be able to listen to Agnes' stories, or James asking me for money, or listening to my daughters tell me about their kids. I never really used my prepaid phone because I couldn't hear anyone, but with my AT&T cellular phone, I hear plenty well. How about that!

Friday, October 3, 2008


Agnes had another moment tonight, this time over the phone:

Me: Agnes, did you hear on the news that this 90 year old woman in Ohio shot herself, stopping the police from evicting her from her foreclosed house?

Agnes: Yes! The poor dear, may she rest in peace!

Me: Agnes, she didn't die, they took her to the hospital and she'll be fine. And the lucky part is, the bank is letting her keep the house, and forgiving her debt.

Agnes: Is that so?! Well, lucky her! (silence)

Me (after hearing a clicking sound): Agnes, what are you doing?

Agnes: Getting out of paying my mortgage!

Me: Agnes! Put that damn pistol down! You're 81, you have arthritis, and your hands tremor like crazy. Why the hell would you risk killing yourself just to avoid paying off your swanky old lady condo?!

Agnes: If that 90 year old can do it, so can I!

Me: Well, then, knock yourself out! I gotta run, dear, Matlock is coming on.

Agnes: Matlock! Did you see that episode where he...(insert about twenty minutes of non-stop rambling).

Me: Yes...tell me more... (so she goes on for another ten minutes, which means, the whole shot gun idea has been forgotten at this point).

So as you can see, I again saved Agnes O'Rourk from another one of her hair-brained schemes. Do I get to win old lady of the year yet?!

I know who I am voting for on Nov. 4th!


Let us have a moment of silence...

In all the 76 years I've been alive, never have I ever seen such a successful heist of American Worker's money. Today, our politicians have sealed our fate. Goodbye America, thank you for the 232 years you gave us!

James, I forgive you for marrying Dana!

I forgive my son James for marrying Dana. Why?


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Who wants pumpkin bread?!

Morning children,

I've been up since 5 a.m. I woke up an hour earlier than usual and I couldn't get back to sleep so I figured, what the hell, I'll make pumpkin bread for tonight's debates. Agnes just bought a new flat screen that's the size of an entire wall so Betty and I are heading over there to watch the debates tonight at 8 o'clock. Betty is bringing the booze, and I'm bringing the snacks. Agnes has vowed to not talk during the whole debates, but we told her that laughing is allowed. It's Sarah Palin, it's ok to laugh!

Now, if you excuse me, dears, I need to finish my Nescafe and Maxine needs to go for her walk.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin is like the Alaskan Governor's Mansion: The lights are on, but nobody's home.

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.