Monday, December 31, 2007
Now tonight I have locked the doors, and I have all my New Year's party items: 10 different snacks, 2 bottles of champaign, and the TV tuned to channel 10 to watch the ball drop in time square. At midnight I will set off the fireworks. (meaning, I am not taking Beano with my snacks! This is the one night of the year when I really cut loose!)
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
So today is day one of my diet. Now if you excuse me I have to go eat my vegetable for the day: carrot cake.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
P.S. Got Beano?
Monday, December 24, 2007
If you like hypocritical murderous bible-thumping sex perverts, vote Republican.
If you like two-faced, flip-floppin adulterers, vote Democrat.
If you like pot-smoking tree-hugging pro-peace hippies, vote Independent.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
So I said as bluntly as I could to my kids, "Hell no! Merry Christmas!" *click
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had a doctor's appointment and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Here Maxine! Here, girl! Push the TV into the bathroom for grandma so she can watch Law & Order until the paramedics arrive!
Sunday, December 16, 2007
-Church at 10.
-Walgreens at 11:30 (I'm out of Preparation H and Beano AGAIN!)
-Lunch with Agnes and Betty at 12:30. (We're having Chinese!)
-Take Maxine for her afternoon walk at 2:00. (She only goes as far as the mailbox now that it's so cold.)
-Enjoy some cheesecake and tea as I read another Nora Roberts novel and fantasize about Kevin Costner's buns from 2:30 on through 6:00.
-Enjoy some chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes/gravy at 7:00.
-Watch TV til 10.
-And finally at 11:30 I'll throw a couple of sheets over my head and go scare Agnes.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Now let's see, I've got my snack tray all alphabetized, from the Avocado bean dip to the Snickerdoodle Cookies. I also have a twelve pack of soda on ice, and Maxine on my lap begging for a bite of cheesecake. Now if only I had the toilet in the same room as my television set then I'd be in hog heaven! Let the Lucy Marathons begin! Wahoo!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Madge Sinclair's Ten Warning Signs of Death:
1. Your children start visiting you during the week.
2. Your doctor won't let you post-date a check.
3. You can't eat Cream of Wheat because it's too spicy.
4. Getting out of bed turns into a 60 minute workout.
5. Drinking water makes you tipsy.
6. The funeral home insists you make an appointment now before they get booked up.
7. Instead of giving you communion, the priest gives you the Last Rites.
8. Sleeping is your only form of exercise.
9. You've fallen and you don't want to get up.
10. You can't nibble on a saltine cracker because it's too high in fiber.
So today I juggled things up a bit. I went to breakfast with Agnes and Betty and had buttermilk pancakes with bacon, and boy was it a nice break from my crusty bowl of oatmeal. And then I went to church, then to the library, and then to Dillons with the Walgreens trip left for last.
Now that's what I call living for the day!
I only have so much patience for 23 year old whiney girls...
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Everytime I go for my silver blue rinse and curls, Flo always greets me and offers me some tea with scones while I wait for Gladys to do my hair. And the conversations there are never dull, children. For example:
Flo: You all ready for the holidays, hun?
Me: Yup, I've got the tree up, the stockings hung, and the booby traps set for the carolers.
Gladys: Well good Lord, honey, why would you do such a thing like that?
Me: Because none of them can ever sing on key. It's like listening to Roseanne Barr singing after she's had one too many wine spritzers.
Flo: Well do you have all your presents bought?
Me: Yes, I got all my children taken care of except my daughter Jeanie.
Gladys: How come? Is she hard to shop for?
Me: No. She's not getting anything except a card.
Flo: Now Madge why would you leave her out?
Me: Because she never calls and she never writes. The only time I hear from her is at Christmas when she mails me a tacky cheddar cheese nativity scene.
Gladys: What's so terrible about that?
Me: I'm Episcopalian, I can't spread a wise man over a Ritz cracker.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Agnes: You mean I won't be able to call my senator and bitch about my social security anymore?!
Thursday, December 6, 2007
So looks like the ol' government has finally implemented policy to kill off free speech (and the freedom to protest war.) Damn! And I was just beginning to enjoy my anti-war marches. Well not everything lasts forever, oh well.
Now if you excuse me, I have to go pack my bags and go to Canada. And if the government comes looking for me tell them that I am a die hard republican who supports the war and that I will NEVER question my government because they are right and I am wrong.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
You know it's the beginning of the end when you can't even answer a simple question on Jeopardy.
Meanwhile, what should I get Betty for Christmas?! Agnes is easy. Every year she gives me a tacky sweater (the woman's a huge fan of highly unusual sweaters) and every year I rewrap the previous year's sweater and give it to her. And without fail she always smiles and asks, "Oooh, where did you find this nifty sweater?" I always answer, "The same place I got you your last sweater. Nieman Marcus in Chicago." Of course Betty knows better and she always gives me that look. But she won't tell my secret because long ago I threatened to cut her off from my Beano supply if she spilled the beans and since she relies on Beano almost as much as I do, she's keeping quiet.
I do know what I am getting myself for Christmas: One of those 5,000 dollar massage chairs, you know the one with the butt warmer that vibrates...ooooh baby!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Looks like someone's going to have to go to Walgreens for some Carmex...
Monday, December 3, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Honestly I think they like passing anti-gay laws because that way they can continue to have kinky sex in the public restrooms instead of coming out and having sex in the privacy of their homes. If gays were given equal status in our society, then the Republicans would be forced to bump and grind in their own homes instead getting their sexual highs in our public restrooms.
Hell I'm sure Bush penetrates Cheney just for shit and giggles. It's no big secret that Bush will gladly shaft anyone and anything. I think that's why he fired Donald Rumsfeld, because old Donald lost interest in Bush and he wanted to go after pubescent choir boys. (Look out Catholic priests, you all have competition now!)
And don't get me started on the Christian Coalition. That is the gayest orgy of an organization in our country!
Madge says enough with the hypocrisy, all Americans deserve to live open honest lives with equal rights and justice for all.
I tried sending Maxine to the store with a note and some cash tied to her collar but as soon as she stepped outside in the cold, she started yelping to come back in. Sigh. Looks like I'll have to call the girls and make a lunch date with them so that they'll drive me to Dillons, which means I'll have to sit through four hours of Agnes' terrible stories about her gall bladder surgery back in 1995. (This is what I get for not buying case loads of Nescafé at the store!)
Saturday, December 1, 2007
World AIDS Day is today. Let us take a moment to remember those who suffer with this horrible disease. Let us take a moment to remember those who have died from this disease since and even prior to it's discovery in 1981. Every year I always took a moment out to tell my students the importance of raising awareness and donating time, money, and prayer to help fight this disease.
AIDS effects every community, no one deserves to suffer with it.
A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.