Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year.

To my friends who read my crazy writing, happy new year. May all of your dreams and aspirations bear fruit in 2008. And may they finally invent prune flavored Beano so that I don't have to have that awful aftertaste anymore!

Now tonight I have locked the doors, and I have all my New Year's party items: 10 different snacks, 2 bottles of champaign, and the TV tuned to channel 10 to watch the ball drop in time square. At midnight I will set off the fireworks. (meaning, I am not taking Beano with my snacks! This is the one night of the year when I really cut loose!)

Sunday, December 30, 2007

It takes me longer to go places these days.

Either it's the cold weather, or my joints are finally wearing out. It takes me longer to go from room to room in my house, and I have a small house! What sucks is that sometimes I have emergencies and I still can't move fast enough. Sigh. Thank God for adult diapers!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Funny quote of the day.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because my credit score is higher than yours."

Ha! Ha! That's a good one!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

It's diet time.

I stepped on the scale this morning and it started screaming at me to get off. Maxine heard it and she jumped out of her skin and ran out the door across town.

So today is day one of my diet. Now if you excuse me I have to go eat my vegetable for the day: carrot cake.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Whew! It's finally over!

I of course gave in to my children's wills and had Christmas here at my house. So after four hours of eating, drinking, and listening to Dana yammer on about the evils of Disney movies, Christmas is finally over. And poor Maxine. The grandkids love her to death and they played with her for hours. She finally dropped in the middle of the living room, exhausted. So I fed her some turkey and stuffing, and I gave a few shots of my chardonnay, and that seemed to calm her down.

Merry Christmas!



P.S. Got Beano?

Monday, December 24, 2007

Madge's Election Guide 2008.

Not sure how to vote this election? Keep this simple guide handy:

If you like hypocritical murderous bible-thumping sex perverts, vote Republican.

If you like two-faced, flip-floppin adulterers, vote Democrat.

If you like pot-smoking tree-hugging pro-peace hippies, vote Independent.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I bloody hate forwards!

Today at church I signed in and gave them my email address so that I could receive church news electronically. Big mistake. The assistant, Susan sent out 20 forwards to all the gals within two hours after services ended. Now I don't mind receiving one now and then, but 20 in one day is enough to make me set my hair on fire! (Or better yet, take the ax to the fingers of whoever started these damn email chains in the first place!)

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The answer is an obvious one.

So today my kids called and asked if I'm hosting Christmas this year. I had everyone over for Thanksgiving and after 10 pounds of chocolate, a gallon of wine, and lots of steamy novels, I finally recovered from that fiasco.

So I said as bluntly as I could to my kids, "Hell no! Merry Christmas!" *click

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A funny email sent to me from my daughter...

Maxine was driving down the street in a sweat because she had a doctor's appointment and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."


I finally finished writing all 250 Christmas cards. I only had to stay up all night to do it. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to have some Bourbon and go to sleep. I am so glad that Christmas will soon be over!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Just for the Record...

To those of you who heard all those awful, ghastly sounds last night, it wasn't a poltergeist, it was me.

There's a reason they put expiration dates on cottage cheese.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Help! Call 9-1-1, Quick!

Kids! Quick! Call for help! I forgot to turn the heat on in the bathroom and I sat down on the stool and now my butt cheeks are stuck to the seat! Help, I've squatted and I can't get up!

Here Maxine! Here, girl! Push the TV into the bathroom for grandma so she can watch Law & Order until the paramedics arrive!

A deadly combination.

Today I discovered that Cracklin' Oat Bran (my favorite cereal) pairs perfectly with organic plain yogurt. That's all I've eaten today! And you know, the best part is the yogurt deactivates the gassiness so I don't have to pop any Beano!!!!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Today's To-Do List

Let's see. Here are the things I need to do today:

-Church at 10.
-Walgreens at 11:30 (I'm out of Preparation H and Beano AGAIN!)
-Lunch with Agnes and Betty at 12:30. (We're having Chinese!)
-Take Maxine for her afternoon walk at 2:00. (She only goes as far as the mailbox now that it's so cold.)
-Enjoy some cheesecake and tea as I read another Nora Roberts novel and fantasize about Kevin Costner's buns from 2:30 on through 6:00.
-Enjoy some chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes/gravy at 7:00.
-Watch TV til 10.
-And finally at 11:30 I'll throw a couple of sheets over my head and go scare Agnes.

Friday, December 14, 2007

The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat!

Tonight I cleaned house at my canasta club! I won over a hundred bucks! Both Agnes and Betty kept betting against Irene, Gale and Lucille. I love how competitive they all are because it worked out for my advantage! So after the game I stopped off at the convenience store and bought 50 Powerball lottery tickets. Hey, if my winning streak continues, I'll be the richest old bitch this side of the Mason-Dixon line!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Late Nite Madge.

Who is going to stay up all night and watch the I Love Lucy Late Nite Marathon on channel 10???!! WHY I AM OF COURSE!!!!!

Now let's see, I've got my snack tray all alphabetized, from the Avocado bean dip to the Snickerdoodle Cookies. I also have a twelve pack of soda on ice, and Maxine on my lap begging for a bite of cheesecake. Now if only I had the toilet in the same room as my television set then I'd be in hog heaven! Let the Lucy Marathons begin! Wahoo!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Happy National Let's Get Everything Mixed Up Day!

Today instead of putting sugar in my tea, I put salt. Instead of buying Preparation H, I bought super glue (that was a FUN accident!) And I thought for a minute that Michael Jackson and Diana Ross were having a baby. Did I forget to take my pills again?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

What did they put in this Nescafé?

I don't what they put in this canister of Nescafé because now all of a sudden I have this uncontrollable urge to host a tupperware party!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Et Tu Golden Coral

What ever you do, children, avoid the mystery meat at the Golden Coral. Now if you excuse me, the mystery continues...Oh! Oh! Oh!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

I think I just experienced one of my ten warning signs of death!

Because this evening when I was bending over to put food in Maxine's dish I fell on the floor and didn't want to get up...

Madge Sinclair's Ten Warning Signs of Death:

1. Your children start visiting you during the week.
2. Your doctor won't let you post-date a check.
3. You can't eat Cream of Wheat because it's too spicy.
4. Getting out of bed turns into a 60 minute workout.
5. Drinking water makes you tipsy.
6. The funeral home insists you make an appointment now before they get booked up.
7. Instead of giving you communion, the priest gives you the Last Rites.
8. Sleeping is your only form of exercise.
9. You've fallen and you don't want to get up.
10. You can't nibble on a saltine cracker because it's too high in fiber.

A Change of Pace.

My Sundays are pretty routine. I go to church, then to Walgreens, and then to the library to check out my stack of novels for the week. And if I have any energy left I go out to lunch with Agnes and Betty before heading over to Dillons for my groceries.

So today I juggled things up a bit. I went to breakfast with Agnes and Betty and had buttermilk pancakes with bacon, and boy was it a nice break from my crusty bowl of oatmeal. And then I went to church, then to the library, and then to Dillons with the Walgreens trip left for last.

Now that's what I call living for the day!

Oh dear Gawd...

Today my niece called me and talked to me for three hours about her problems with her best friends and the fact that one of them slept with her boyfriend. She didn't spare me any details. At one point I stopped her and asked, "What the hell do I look like, Dr. Phil?!"

I only have so much patience for 23 year old whiney girls...

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Beauty Parlor.

Today I made my monthly trip to Flo's Hair Salon. Gosh I love that place. Flo, the owner, has the shop all dolled up with floral arrangements, wallpaper, and kitschy Victorian style mirrors. She said it cost her a fortune, but she wanted to revive the olden days of the beauty parlor.

Everytime I go for my silver blue rinse and curls, Flo always greets me and offers me some tea with scones while I wait for Gladys to do my hair. And the conversations there are never dull, children. For example:

Flo: You all ready for the holidays, hun?
Me: Yup, I've got the tree up, the stockings hung, and the booby traps set for the carolers.
Gladys: Well good Lord, honey, why would you do such a thing like that?
Me: Because none of them can ever sing on key. It's like listening to Roseanne Barr singing after she's had one too many wine spritzers.
Flo: Well do you have all your presents bought?
Me: Yes, I got all my children taken care of except my daughter Jeanie.
Gladys: How come? Is she hard to shop for?
Me: No. She's not getting anything except a card.
Flo: Now Madge why would you leave her out?
Me: Because she never calls and she never writes. The only time I hear from her is at Christmas when she mails me a tacky cheddar cheese nativity scene.
Gladys: What's so terrible about that?
Me: I'm Episcopalian, I can't spread a wise man over a Ritz cracker.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Do I wet myself or laugh?

So today I talked to Agnes on the phone trying to explain the situation with the two bills that will limit free speech and here's her response:

Agnes: You mean I won't be able to call my senator and bitch about my social security anymore?!

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Well I'm moving to Canada.

And here's why:

So looks like the ol' government has finally implemented policy to kill off free speech (and the freedom to protest war.) Damn! And I was just beginning to enjoy my anti-war marches. Well not everything lasts forever, oh well.

Now if you excuse me, I have to go pack my bags and go to Canada. And if the government comes looking for me tell them that I am a die hard republican who supports the war and that I will NEVER question my government because they are right and I am wrong.

Good News Kids!

We only have 1 more year of America being embarrassed by the most powerful idiot in the world!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Why I'll never be on Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Complete this phrase: 'Better Late Than...'
Me: Pregnant.

You know it's the beginning of the end when you can't even answer a simple question on Jeopardy.

Meanwhile, what should I get Betty for Christmas?! Agnes is easy. Every year she gives me a tacky sweater (the woman's a huge fan of highly unusual sweaters) and every year I rewrap the previous year's sweater and give it to her. And without fail she always smiles and asks, "Oooh, where did you find this nifty sweater?" I always answer, "The same place I got you your last sweater. Nieman Marcus in Chicago." Of course Betty knows better and she always gives me that look. But she won't tell my secret because long ago I threatened to cut her off from my Beano supply if she spilled the beans and since she relies on Beano almost as much as I do, she's keeping quiet.

I do know what I am getting myself for Christmas: One of those 5,000 dollar massage chairs, you know the one with the butt warmer that vibrates...ooooh baby!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Oh Damn!

I woke up this morning with huge cold sores on my lips. I guess that's what I get for smooching Alec Baldwin a little too long. And to make matters worse, as soon as Maxine saw me, she ran under the table, peed on the floor, and began whimpering.

Looks like someone's going to have to go to Walgreens for some Carmex...

Monday, December 3, 2007

God how I love Walgreens!

I love my Walgreens store. I don't even have to limbo down the aisles any more because the store clerks know what I want and when I want it. And today they even had a bunch of coupons in their weekly flier so I was able to restock on the Feen-A-Mint, Advil, Pepto Bismol, Beano, Charmin, and Tide, they had Tide on sale for buy one get one FREE! Merry Christmas Madge!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

The Republican Party.

I am fed up with the Republican Party. They've been over run by a bunch of hypocritical closeted homosexuals for far too long and frankly I am fed up with it. Come out of the closet you idiots and stop passing these homophobic laws that hurt our children, and my darling nephew Stevie.

Honestly I think they like passing anti-gay laws because that way they can continue to have kinky sex in the public restrooms instead of coming out and having sex in the privacy of their homes. If gays were given equal status in our society, then the Republicans would be forced to bump and grind in their own homes instead getting their sexual highs in our public restrooms.

Hell I'm sure Bush penetrates Cheney just for shit and giggles. It's no big secret that Bush will gladly shaft anyone and anything. I think that's why he fired Donald Rumsfeld, because old Donald lost interest in Bush and he wanted to go after pubescent choir boys. (Look out Catholic priests, you all have competition now!)

And don't get me started on the Christian Coalition. That is the gayest orgy of an organization in our country!

Madge says enough with the hypocrisy, all Americans deserve to live open honest lives with equal rights and justice for all.

Of all the times to run out of Nescafé!

It's 35 degrees out there, it's hazy and it may rain a cold, nasty rain. And here I am stuck at home cold as can be with no Nescafé! Oh the agony!

I tried sending Maxine to the store with a note and some cash tied to her collar but as soon as she stepped outside in the cold, she started yelping to come back in. Sigh. Looks like I'll have to call the girls and make a lunch date with them so that they'll drive me to Dillons, which means I'll have to sit through four hours of Agnes' terrible stories about her gall bladder surgery back in 1995. (This is what I get for not buying case loads of Nescafé at the store!)

Saturday, December 1, 2007

World AIDS Day

Support World AIDS Day

World AIDS Day is today. Let us take a moment to remember those who suffer with this horrible disease. Let us take a moment to remember those who have died from this disease since and even prior to it's discovery in 1981. Every year I always took a moment out to tell my students the importance of raising awareness and donating time, money, and prayer to help fight this disease.

AIDS effects every community, no one deserves to suffer with it.

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.