Wednesday, July 30, 2008

How many times do I have to tell them damn kids...

Well, today marks the tenth year since my husband died. Now before any of you start sending your condolences, keep in mind I open a bottle of champaign when that man died. After all those years of marriage, babies, and me cooking his meal night after night, that man only bought me a bouquet of carnations for our anniversary. He was so damn frugal that he insisted on buying me the same color of weeds year after year, and he always told the kids, "Pink carnations are your mom's favorite flowers." Yeah right!

So what do my damn kids do? They send me pink carnations on the anniversary of my husband's passing. Gah! Do I have to be reminded of all those years of labor that I never got rewarded for? That's ok, within the first week he died I bought myself a new car, a mink stoal (fake, I don't wear dead animal), oh and I bought a diamond ring too, not to mention I went to St. Louis for a week.

Now, what do I do about these blasted carnations...Anges! She's too old to tell the difference between carnations and roses! Hot damn, a repreive!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Prunella DeVille...

Literally. Today not one, but TWO sales women came to my door, at ONCE! Prunella, my Avon Lady, and that damn pesky Mary Kay women, Jane, with that ridiculous smile that makes me want to set my hair on fire, both showed up at my door. As soon as Prunella heard Jane talking about my "interest" in some hand creams, Prunella snapped. "So THIS is why you haven't called in months, eh?"

No, Prunella, dear. I haven't called in months because that cream you sold me made me break out in hives! This got Jane all excited so she proceeded to inform the two of us that Mary Kay doesn't break anyone out (Ha! Just go look at my niece, Sarah, after she uses Mary Kay!). Jane proceeds to invite Prunella and myself to join the Mary Kay "opportunity". Prunella scoffed. "I'm sorry, but I refuse to go around like a 1960s oppressed housewife hyped up on pink pride." And I said, "I'm sorry, Jane, sweetie, I am too damn old to be sucked into a cult that requires you to smile till it fucking hurts."

At this point, Jane just smiled even bigger, and proceeded to tell us that Mary Kay is every woman's dream come true. Well Jane, if that were true, I'd a become a lesbian long ago.

Thank God I faked that heart attack, otherwise I never would have gotten rid of those two hams! Note to sales ladies: GO AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I still can't sleep!

What am I still doing up? I have church tomorrow and then an afternoon appointment at Flo's Beauty Salon. And if I don't get enough sleep, Flo will notice! She can spot bags from a mile away.

Even Maxine is passed out on the easy chair. It's Saturday night and the city is still wide awake. All those young kids are out drinking and sinning...damn I long to be 24 again!

Yoga? At my age?

So today at lunch Betty, Agnes, and yours truly were sitting on the patio of this lovely Thai restaurant when out of the blue Betty starts going on about how she's taken up yoga. She swears up and down that it has done wonders for her joints, not to mention her sex life with her husband. (Yes, Agnes and I are both widows, which frankly, that's ok by me. My husband was a pompous jerk, and Agnes' husband thought he was the Archiduke Ferdinand.)

Betty wants me and Agnes to join her yoga class. Agnes of course was all for it, she's 81 and has only two brain cells left, so if you told her to jump off a bridge, she'd do it. (Note to self, next time Agnes tells me one of her awful gall bladder stories, tell her to go lie down in the street.) I told Betty to rethink this. For one thing, Agnes can barely walk, and for another, if I stretch out too far I lose control of my bowels, and I don't think her yoga class would appreciate being bombed out of Kansas City...yes, not even Beano could prevent that.

Betty insists that my arthritis will go down and that I will feel like a new, young, vital woman. (What are they teaching you in those yoga classes? Do you have to sniff glue before you come? Sheesh!)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Humidity! Evil!

Damn this Global Warming, damn it to hades and back! Oh Lord have mercy, my hair is all frazzled out, my voice is even more croaky than before, and now my breasts won't stop sticking together! I thought bras were supposed to prevent that! Hell, it makes not difference on mine, they hang so low nowadays. Wait, I probably should not be sharing this with you. What would my deceased husband say?! (As if I care, that deadbeat is long since dead! Hot damn! Off with my bra!!!!!!)

Monday, July 14, 2008 is HOT out there!

For five days now I haven't stepped outside of this house. It is too hot and humid, I can't risk getting a heat stroke. Hell, at my age, I can't risk getting any kind of stroke period. (Not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not.) I just want to stay alive long enough to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a go-go dancer. Can you imagine that? I think my wrinkles would cause me to stick to those metal poles. (Not to mention the patrons would go blind!)

Anyways, God bless my church. The priest and the verger came over to my house yesterday to give me my portion of the Eucharist. They know me too well!

Hot and Humid weather = cranky vicious Madge.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Independence Day Nightmares

Oh kids, I am so tired. All night last night, those darned neighborhood teenagers lit firecracker after firecracker! For a moment I thought World War III broke out in Kansas City. Maxine was shaken the whole night, she buried herself under my pillow and wouldn't come out till dawn.

Whoever came up with the concept to light explosives to celebrate our nation's birthday is indeed the lowest scum of humanity. Sometimes I wonder if these inventors come up with these inventions just to find new ways to torture the elderly!

Bah humbug!

On a positive note, I did get a sexy blue rinse done on my hair since I am heading out to dinner with the girls in a few minutes. We're going to a Let-Us-Entertain-You restaurant on the Kansas side of Kansas City. I've read many great reviews and their wine selection is excellent. I just hope Betty and Agnes will have me back here by 10:00. I am getting up early tomorrow to attend the spoken Eucharist at 7:30 a.m. (I usually attend the 10:30 Choral Eucharist, but I have a lot to do tomorrow.)

Ok, my rides here, I gotta run. Maxine, be a good girl till mommy comes home drunk again tonight...!

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.