Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Let's see what's on sale this week!

Every Tuesday I get the new sales fliers from Walgreens and CVS in the mail. It's really the only exciting thing about Tuesdays anymore, ever since they arrested that streaker on fifth avenue.

Ok, kids. Here's what's on sale:

-Charmin 4 packs, 2/$5 (this is not a good bargain for me considering the fact that I go through at least 8 rolls a day.)
-Post cereals, any variety, 2 for $5. (Not bad)
-Fig Newtons, buy one get one free. (Oh darn! I can't eat fig newtons, they repeat on me.)
-Nescafe is on sale for 2/$12! (I better stock up!)
- Metamucil is 50 cents off (Please! They call that a "sale?!")
-2 dollars off Beano (Whew! Now Kansas City can take a collective sigh of relief!)
-KY Jelly is on sale for 3.99 a tube. (Hot Damn! I'll take 6!)
- 2 dollars off selected wines (yes!!!)
-Trojan condoms are also on sale...(Good, maybe now those hicks up the street will use them so we can prevent them from doing more inbreeding.)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Looks like someone doesn't want to go to the vet!

Isn't she adorable? Here's my Little Maxine pouting on the davenport. She is giving me that "Please don't take me to that vet place again, old lady, please!" look. She's a good girl, she doesn't try to run from me, she knows better. And today with the weather being a little gloomy, she'll whine and whimper during the whole car trip. I always give her a nice little doggie bacon treat afterwards, which usually cheers her up. I just can't believe how much she has grown since I adopted her last August! She's been a wonderful companion, she never talks back (unlike my damn kids!)

And can you believe it, kids?! I no longer have to call my son James just to put a photograph on my computer! This calls for some champaigne!

Oh my Lord...!

Today's lunch at the Golden Corral will be my last. Everyone there knows me, especially Della, the waitress. Why would I leave and never go back, you ask. Here's why:

Della: Hi hon, how ya doin'?
Me: Aside from a small tiff with the supervisor, I'm doing fine.
Della: Can I pour you some more coffee?
Me: Sure. How's your day going?
Della: We're short staffed in the kitchen, Frank went home sick this morning.
Me: Oh the poor thing, did he have the flu or something?
Della: No, it was anthrax.

And the sad thing is, Della was dead serious.

Ahh...so THAT'S what was wrong...

Now that Carl had some of my Nescafe, he's lightened up a little, and even smiled at me once--if you call that smiling. I hate it when he and I work the same days because I always like to leave the parish 15 minutes early to beat the lunch lines at The Golden Corral. Just because he is studying for his M.Div he thinks he owns the place. Gays and their discipline! No wonder so many of them enter the priesthood!

Well Good morning to you too, Boss!

So this morning I was running 15 minutes late thanks to the damn bus system, and Carl, the primary office clerk decided to gripe to me about it:

Carl: Madge, you were supposed to be in at 8 o'clock!
Me: Oh lighten up, it's not my fault that damn bus was late!
Carl: I don't want your excuses! You could have drove in today.
Me: The hell you say! Have you seen the gas prices lately?! Do you want to fill my tank?!
Carl: Look, just be grateful you still have your job!
Me: Listen, Queenie, you should thank your lucky stars that I was even able to get out of bed today at my age!
Carl: Just don't be late again, ok?!
Me: Or what? You'll fire me?! Ha!

So yes, now I need some Nescafe. Carl hasn't always been like this, but ever since his boyfriend dumped him he's turned into Roseanne Barr...sheesh! Now, excuse me, but I'm gonna go ask her highness where they put my damn creamer!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Well it finally cooled down out there.

I don't know about the rest of you, but in Kansas City we've been having some humid weather despite that fact that autumn began last week. But I think the weather is finally realizing it is time for cooler weather. I have the kitchen windows open, and the breeze is refreshing.

I am currently enjoying a nice hot cup of decaffeinated Nescafe with a slice of cheesecake. It's been a Sunday with bad church music, bingo, and a free dinner from my crazy girlfriends. All and all, not a bad way to end the weekend.

Now tomorrow I need to be at the church at 8 so I can leave by noon to go do my fall shopping. Each year around this time, I like to go out and purchase fall scented candles, like pumpkin and apple pie. I also purchase those small gourds and pumpkins as well as multi-colored corn to create my fall arrangements for the living room. I have to tell you all, that aside from Halloween, autumn is my favorite time of year. Even though I can't stand Halloween, I still buy candy and pass it out, of course, with lots of pranks and mean tricks because those kids are so spoiled they never have to work for anything. Well granny always makes them work for that candy! Gee, maybe this is why I always end up with egg on my car and porch! And one year they toilet papered my front yard maple! Kids...go figure!

I love Sunday Bingo!

Because not only do the girls and I get to have some gambling fun, we always have a bet every week that whoever gets the least amount of bingos has to pay for dinner! Well today Betty only had one, Agnes had ten (four of which were actual bingos) and I had six in a row!

I walked away with 200 bucks and a free meal, now that is what I call recreation!

Good Lord!

I just can't stand that new organist! For the last several Sundays he has played loud, boisterous pieces that sound worse than nails on a chalkboard! Oh well, at least the sermon was a good one: on loving your neighbors and helping those in need. It's a message we all need to hear time and again.

Now, I need to get going, Agnes, Betty, and I are off to St. Ann's to play bingo!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Oh Brother...

So my son James, just emailed me about Thanksgiving. Looks like grandma's going to be breaking her back again this year. And to make matters worse, he sends me a list of foods he and Dana would like me to prepare. But that's not all... He sends me a picture of the food he wants prepared, just in case I am too blind to read the email! Why that little...

So here is the photograph for you all to gawk at:

It sure looks delicious, but do I look like Sara Lee?! I just now sent him the following response:

Dear James,

I received your request of what I need to cook for Thanksgiving. I don't think the turkey in the picture you sent me is big enough. Here, I found a picture of an even bigger bird...

Do you think this will be enough food for everyone?



Thank God for caller ID...

My crazy nut-job daughter in-law Dana called again. She must know I won 5,000 dollars on the scratch off tickets! Why is it everytime I come into some extra money my kids' spouses are the ones who call asking for this or that! Are my kids THAT afraid of asking me for money themselves? (I guess I raised them a little TOO well, ha ha!!!!)

Note to self: give James a paddling for allowing his wife to bug me non-stop!!!

One year anniversary is next month!

Can you believe it, children? Next month marks one year since I've gone online?! It has been quite a year, hasn't it. I've drank a lot, eaten a lot, cut loose a lot, and I've even bitched a lot, but hey, I'm old, I have earned my right, dammit!

How did this blog start? Well, my niece was the first one who told me about "blogging" which I passed off as some new crazy fad that kids were into these days. But when my niece was over last October, she showed me how easy it was. By then, I had had the internet for a month, but all I knew how to do was access news websites. (I am a news junkie.) So with her help I had this blog initially set up, but it was my darling son who showed me how to add all the goodies I have on the site. So after a couple hours of painful note taking, I started learning more about this wonderful website. I still go by my notes when I add pictures to my entries, hey, I forget a lot of things in my old age, and I sure as hell don't want to forget how to update my blog, because if I do, well, the blog world will be a much worse place without a crazy gassy Braud who loves wine and cheesecake.

Happy Anniversary everyone! I hope you like the new design I chose to commemorate a year of gas, Beano, rotten tricks, sassy remarks, and drooling over Kevin Costner's buns!

Now pass the damn Beano, that chicken salad is starting to repeat on me!


P.S. You can now become a "follower" of my page, how lovely!

They called that a debate?

I was so disappointed by the damned debate! Both McCain and Obama are full of decade old crap in my opinion but at least they could have put on a better show! I was not impressed with the pathetic jabs they took at each other, and they didn't try to cover up their own behinds when they called each other out on their garbage! Bah humbug!

Honestly I am far more concerned over the fact that the government wants to give 700 billion dollars to bail out CEOs rather than using that money to help people pay off their enormous debts. I tell you kids, another Great Depression is possibly on the horizon! I don't know if I can go back to eating pickled cardboard, but I did it once, I'll do it again. If I still had my shot gun, I'd hobble on over to Washington and clean up this country!

Friday, September 26, 2008

I have a new T-Shirt Idea!

I have a new T-Shirt idea:

Consider Yourself Warned!

Ha! Ha! Isn't that brilliant?! I could become more famous than the Gap!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I need to get going...

I have a ten o'clock appointment with Prunella my Avon lady. Did I tell you, she opened her own beauty parlor down by Main? She received her cosmetology license last month and she secured a nice little place to open her shop. I went down on Saturday to see her grand opening and I must say, she really went all out. I asked her if she was still going to sell Avon, and she said yes, but she will only sell it at the shop. I was relieved. I love their hand creams, so now I can just go down there after work and pick up my Avon products and gossip with all the other old ladies in town.

Prunella hired two younger gals, one to cut hair, and the other does nails. Where she found these two brilliant stylists, I'll never know. The shop is fairly spacious, and the property owner gave her an exceptional deal on her rent, I guess they've been trying to find someone to rent out the retail space for quite some time. Well, enough jabbering, I need to take Maxine for a walk and then I better head down to Prunella's for my full makeover! (Yes, she promised me the Works: Facial, Manicure, Hair coloring and styling all for 50 bucks!)

Well, I'll say...

Bush's speech last night was his best one to date. He only stumbled across 5 words in total! Normally, he stumbles across every sentence. He sure sounded convincing, ey? Well, let's see. Everytime we had an urgent situation that needed immediate action, it has screwed over the country. Sorry, Bush, no sale. Let those greedy pigs on Wall Street go down in flames! Hell, I limp when I walk, but I'll be more then happy to hobble on over to Wall Street and light the first match!

Don't mess with me, I'm old and gassy, punk!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Special thanks to my son for this one!!

Someone's gonna get an extra special Christmas present this year!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Is it November yet?

I just can't stand watching the news or reading the papers anymore! The media has gone nuts over this Palin woman from Alaska! Big crocking deal! I raised four kids, lived with a crazy husband, and I had a career on top of being active in church, and I did not have as much money as this Palin-bot! Did I get rewarded with a VP nomination? No! But I did get my husband's inheritence, which I enjoy very much thanks to that frugal dirtbag!

Now, about the Palin mask patent for Halloween, some big law firm called me up claiming to represent Hallmark. Apparently, if I sell even a single mask, my ass will get sued because Hallmark invented the masks the split second Johnny boy announced her as his running "mate." Damn those hallmark pigs! They're always planning way in advanced for the holidays!

Oh well, I have one trick up my sleeve. Hallmark cannot get the patent rights on my other scary Halloween tradition: my good friend Agnes O'Rourk! (Betty, if you're reading this, Agnes is mine this year. I need to get my revenge on those kids who egged my car!!!!!!)

Friday, September 5, 2008

It's that time of year again...well...not quite.

Halloween candy is now in full swing at the stores. Great. Another year of putting up with trick-or-treators egging my porch because I didn't get the right kind of candy. Maybe if I borrow Sarah Palin for the night, she can scare them off, or better yet, get egg on her face for selling her family up the river for wealth and power.

I think this year for Halloween I'll wear a Palin mask...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Just a quick memo...

Note to self...oh...and there it goes... I forget. Oh well, it's time to watch my stories, good day!

Well hi there, kids, I miss you!

Hi there. Sorry for going for so long without saying hello. I have been a busy old lady this last month. First of all, I have a new job, part time, purely for the hell of it. The Board of Health said that if I don't spend at least 20 hours outside my house, they will have no choice to board it up for all my toxic old lady fumes have caused the street to suffer from lung disease. (But it is summer, I don't like the heat and humidity!)

So I found a job at my Episcopal church. I am their part time secretary, which is kind of fun. I love my fellow parishioners and taking their phone calls is a delight:

Me: Thank you for calling St. Peter's Episcopal Church, this is Madge how may I help you?
Agnes: You're missing the Young and the Restless!
Me: I know, Agnes, I know. Now cut to the chase and tell me about all the raunchy sex scenes and drama!

So as you can see, kids, I love being a working girl again. I know financially I don't need it, but dammit, I need to get outta the house every now and then, and there is just so much you can do in Kansas City before going absolutely raving mad (like Agnes).

Meanwhile, Betty has been up in Montana visiting her sister, so it has been rather quiet around here, oh, except of course Agnes still calls me non-stop because apparently the next door neighbors have installed cameras into her house and like watching her bathe. (Agnes, honey, get professional help!)

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.