Friday, November 16, 2007

Tomorrow I must buy food for Thanksgiving.

I am going to need to get up early tomorrow. This year I am having Thanksgiving at my house (why, God, why?!) for the first time in a few years and I am going to make everything from scratch just the way grandma did for us in the 1930s.

Let's see, I need to get a 30 pound turkey, celery, stuffing kits, onions, garlic, butter, potatoes, cranberries, sugar, pie crust, pecans, corn syrup, milk, fresh green beans, corn, flour, baking soda, canned gravy, turkey broth (ok so not everything will be from scratch, but the kids will never know...) So yes, the menu will be: Turkey, Mashed Potatoes/Gravy, Savory Stuffing, Green Beans, Cranberry Sauce, Pecan Pie, and holiday cookies. Some of my guests will also be bringing desserts too, so we'll have quite a feast.

The only down side is, I have to also invite my inlaws. *shudders. I love my children-in-law, but only after I've knocked back a few sherries.

The worst of them is James' wife, Dana. Good lord, that woman's so perky I'd like to drive a nail through her head! And she uses that awful valley girl accent! Gah! I'd rather have my son married to a gay man than that women, because at least gay men are fun and entertaining. (And they do make the best Italian dishes I've ever eaten!) And I forgot to mention that Dana whines, excessively, and in a disgustingly superficial cheery manner. She's either too hot or too cold, or when I serve her food, it's too mushy, too spicy, too this too that. Hell, even Queen Elizabeth II isn't this picky!

So, next Thursday I'll have to crawl out of bed at four in the morning and stuff a handful of bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt just so Dana can complain about how I cooked the damn bird! I'll be sure to be crocked before she arrives!

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A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.