Saturday, November 17, 2007

Oh! My Aching Butt!

I just got back from the store. It took me three hours to buy everything I need for Thanksgiving Dinner. Three hours of walking stiffly down aisle after aisle trying to get past a bunch of slow stupid people who seem to not understand the meaning of "excuse me, please."

When I say "excuse me please" I mean "move your fat carcass because you're in my damn way and I can't get past you." Don't stare at me and say, "huh?" You heard me you bubble head!

They had a huge sale on stuffing kits too. I got there just in time to grab the last case. (My family eats stuffing like it's going out of style.)

And then came the fun part: the turkey.

Those damn birds weigh a ton! Either I'm becoming more feeble, or those birds are packing on the pounds before Farmer Joe hauls them down to the ol' slaughter house. I had to ask a store clerk to help me lift one into my cart. And you know that guy had the nerve to stand there and gawk at me when I needed help? I told him a second time that I can't lift like I used to and I am old and frail. "Please help me sir." Finally the nitwit got the hint that old people do not have the strength of superman. He lifted the bird and instead of placing it nicely beside my other parcels, he dropped it in the cart and smashed my eggs!

My poor eggs! It took me 30 minutes to find a dozen that weren't cracked! So I screamed for a manager and took him by the ear and gave him a mouthful. That took an hour (because I like to play the mean old lady who has to bitch about everything.)

So then they offered to give me a voucher for a free dozen and I took it and went for more eggs. So here we are, three hours later. At least the bag boy was nice enough to package everything carefully, and he even went through the extra trouble to find me those paper sacks with the handles! Then he offered to carry my things to my car, which I gladly accepted. He even lifted that heavy turkey and put the straps of my trunk around it to keep it from smashing my groceries!

So I gave him a huge tip: 1.50. (ha ha!) No, I actually gave him a 20, and told him to pocket it without telling anyone.

Now, if you excuse me, dear children, grandma's got to go get the wagon and haul that heavy turkey in from the car. (This will take all afternoon!)

And this evening I'll open up one of the four bottles of wine I bought in the liquor department, Lord knows I need a few hits!


Church Lady said...

Finally, finally I can post here!!

You don't know the saga of my internet connection. I can bitch more than you, so here goes:

DH got dial-up about 15 years ago, but the company forgot to put us in the billing category of their business stuff. So we've been getting it for 'free.' Well, you get what you pay for. We have been on dial-up until 40 minutes ago. DH is on a business trip, so I bought a new computer, a desk, and ordered up some highspeed.

Now I can post!!! For some reason, I couldn't post on yours and also another e-friend.

So I will continue talking about me....hahaha! Just kidding.

That was a nice story.

Madge Sinclair said...

Well honey, you go ahead and bitch all you want. That's why I am here: to bitch and to be bitched at! We women need to be proud to stand up and bitch. We didn't burn our bras in the sixties for nothing!

A sassy, gassy, hip, old Braud from Kansas City cuts loose on the internet.