It's official...

I hate cream of wheat. It's bad enough that when I eat it, I have to pop ten Beanos, or else the mayor declares a State of Emergency in Kansas City. But the worst part is...all that gas and I'm hungry an hour later...

Just my luck!

Today I was at Barnes and Noble looking at magazines when I came across Psychology magazine which had a featured study about Darwinism and homosexuality. As I was reading through, I saw a box with ten quick interesting facts listed about gay people. One of them read "gay men's penises are longer and thicker than straight men's penises, on average."

Well shit! That explains why I had such a mediocre sex life all those years with my deadbeat husband! Maybe if I'm a good old lady, God will reincarnate me as a gay man so I can make up for 76 years of bad sex. No wonder straight men hate gay men so much!

I can't believe it!

They upped the bus fares again for seniors. Why the hell should we have to pay more when we survived the depression, two world wars, a polish pope, and three Bush terms?! I demand an answer! How the hell am I supposed to ride over to the adult novelty shop for some naughty magazines in the middle of the night when I no longer carry the correct change?! What's an old nymphomaniac to do?!

One thing you should never do...

Never call me during the Young and the Restless, you got that?!

Old lady dilemma...

I used to be in what's called an old lady dilemma. Every night when I am in the middle of a brilliant Matlock episode, I have to pee, really bad. Well, it is a tough decision to make. Do I go to the bathroom and take twenty minutes to unroll my stockings, or do I sit through the rest of my show and risk wetting my easy chair?

Well, guess what kids?! The problem's solved! Today, the plumber just installed a brand new toilet in front of my television set! Yes, so now when Matlock comes on, I just sit on the can for an hour and enjoy the show. This also comes in handy when they show reruns of Kevin Costner movies and I get to see his juicy buns plastered on my television screen. Nothing makes me wet myself faster than that tush!




*Now if only I could get my bed and my kitchen installed in here, I'd never have to leave this room for nothing...

And we're back!

Hi kids,

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! We just got back a couple of hours ago and I haven't even unpacked yet. It is too damn hot to do anything except lay in front of the air conditioner. Sheesh it's going to be a hot summer. And Chicago! My Lord was it humid there! We had a fun time, and no we didn't go see Oprah, we were too busy running a muck on Michigan Avenue.

Agnes wanted to take me to Victoria Secret for some black underwear, but I refused. That stuff rides up on me. So instead we went across the street to the Water Tower Mall. Wow, what a site that was! So many stores, about eight floors or so, and everywhere we went, Betty just had to try all the samples of lotions, perfumes, and facial products. She reeked of them, but hell we didn't care. Then we ate at the "Food Life" cafe, oh my gosh it was good! They had so many cuisines to choose from! Thank God I brought an extra bottle of Tums and Beano otherwise I'd been in trouble!

We did go to Cheesecake Factory, and then to the John Hancock Tower for some wine, they have a bar on the top of the tower and WOW what a sight! I had forgotten how beautiful Chicago was and I am so glad we went up there for my birthday.

And yesterday I went to St. James Cathedral! It is one of the most beautiful Episcopal churches I've ever attended. They even burn incense during the service, oh children, it was lovely.

I had a wonderful trip, although Agnes just about got herself killed when we were at the textile museums. She wanted to hit up every one of those damn museums on the south side, but me and Betty wanted to go enjoy the high life on the Magnificent Mile, so we dragged her kicking and screaming to the car and drove up to the shops and restaurants.

You know you're over 80 when all you care about are textiles!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Well here we are in Chicago and I am in our hotel lobby trying to figure out this damn computer. Oh well. Today we are going to the Water Tower Place Mall which has 8 floors of shopping, hot damn! I am going to get wild and treat myself to Shiseido cosmetics. They have the best facial care products on the market, but that stuff is expensive. What the hell, I'm 76 today so why not go hog wild, huh?!

Happy Birthday to Meeeee! Eat lots of cake and drink a lot of wine for me! Love you kids.

Chicago Ahoy!

Well I'm all packed and ready to go. I just hope Agnes and Betty arrive in time to take me to McDonalds for some hot cakes, eggs, and sausage.

Oh...that's them, gotta run kids, I'll update you when I get to Chicago! (Our hotel has a small computer station for checking email, etc.)

See you all soon!

Chicago, here I come!

Guess what, kids?! Agnes, Betty and I are driving up to Chicago tomorrow for the rest of the week! They want to take me to see the Taste of Chicago festival where they sample all types of Chicago-born cuisines. Hot Damn! I haven't been up to the windy city for quite some time! I did ask if we could stay there through Sunday, they have a gorgeous Episcopal cathedral there called St. James and I'd love to attend Eucharist there again. Wowee, I better get packing, and yes, I am taking Maxine. I'll sneak her into the hotel room, they'll never know the difference.

I think this is going to be one of the best Birthdays I've ever had!

International Madge Sinclair Day is on June 5th!

Children,

Mark your calendars. June 5th is International Madge Sinclair Day. I'll be turning 76! (Oh damn, I'm so old!) To celebrate, Agnes and Betty are taking me to see those delicious Chippendale male dancers. I plan on drinking a gallon of wine, and I'll have plenty of one dollar bills to put down those boys' G strings! Hoo hoo! Look out World, here comes Grandma!