Sex and Hot Summers

Sex and Hot Summers don't mix, children. Instead of a bumpin' and a grindin' you end up a slippin' and a slidin'

What the hell is happening, America?

Everyday now I read more and more bad news about our economy. Honestly it scares me. I'm not afraid for my own concerns, my dead-beat jackass of a husband left me enough money to live on until I drop dead at 102. I am very concerned for our children. They have nothing except a massive national debt to bear with. Bush has taken so much from us with his damned war, and for what? So he and his oil buddies can swim nude together in vaults of gold coins?

This is America. We have so much money as a nation that we should be able to take care of everyone. Our children should have access to education (as a former teacher I STRONGLY support any legislation that allows for ALL of our children to have equal access to education.) Well it looks like America is heading for a major recession.

Trust me, kids, I grew up in the 30s and 40s, that was rough. Our idea of luxury back then was having a roll of toilet paper in the outhouse. Most people couldn't afford to wipe their asses let alone eat.

If we must face a recession, children, let us learn to live frugally and stop our irrational spending. If I can grow up on having meals of bread and butter with a cup of broth, then so can you. If I can grow up using only the leaves off our trees to finish my business on the can, then so can you. (Though I fear that with my current state of overactive bowels, there won't be a leaf left in Kansas City!)

I just got an early Christmas present.

Well, Christmas is here early. My son James came over to give me an early present. I asked him why he couldn't wait till December 25th, but he insisted that this is something I should not go another day without, to which I replied, "Oh, you tackled Kevin Costner, stripped him naked and wrapped him up for me?" James said no. (Damn!) So here's how the opening of my present went...

Me: I can't work this damn thing!
James: Mom, where did you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a cell phone.
Me: What the hell do I need a cell phone for? It's bad enough that Agnes rings my home phone off the hook only to tell me she had another hot flash.
James: Mom, you live all alone. If something happened to you here, or while you were out, I'd feel terrible if you couldn't call for help.
Me: I see your point, but I am not helpless. If I don't return Agnes or Betty's phone calls within 30 minutes they always send half the fire department down here to look for me.

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes...

Oh lord, that woman scares me sometimes... You know, she's either whacked out on medication, or she woke up and forgot to put her brains back in her head.

I got this strange call from her just now:

Agnes: Madge, are you ready? I'm on my way over to pick you up.
Me: What are you talking about?
Agnes: Well hurry up and get dressed or we'll be late for temple.
Me: Agnes we're not Jewish, and it's only Monday afternoon.
Agnes: Oh, right... Well in that case, you wanna go out for lunch?
Me: It's a little too late for that, how about dinner?
Agnes: Sure, I'll see you at 6.
Me: Sigh, see you then.
Agnes: Shalom!

Suze Orman

Suze Orman...I am sick of her and her phony smile. I love lesbians, don't get me wrong, (hell I thought Agnes was a lesbian for the longest time) but Suze Orman needs to stop peddling her crap "advice."

Yet, people flock to her like she's Jesus. I'm sorry, but buying self help books won't solve all your problems, children. All you're doing by wasting money on these books is solving the publishers' problems of declining sales.

I am up early today.

I woke up earlier than usual today. I'm getting this weird cold that's stuck in my throat so I am having a hard time breathing without trying to hack up a hair ball. So I can't sleep. Oh well. I made myself a hot toddy and I am sipping it and looking out the window. It's so dark out!

Well, at some point this week I need to take Maxine to the vet for her little check up. She hates going to the vet so I have to sometimes drag her out to the car kicking and yelping just to get her there! But today I think I will lay down a trail of treats to the car and see if she will be tricked so easily. But if that fails, I've got the net...!

Oh I forgot to mention...

A few weeks ago I received a special offer in the mail from Chase. They are offering me a business account credit card with a fixed interest rate of 9.99% and the first year I get 0%. Plus they are offering me a limit of 7,000 dollars! Well I have three credit cards with different banks, and I do bank with Chase, which I can use the Chase card to protect my accounting, so I decided what the hell I will open an account! You can't beat 10 percent interest on a charge card (I rarely use them anyways.) So I am closing my other cards since their interest is so high.

So yesterday I finally received the card in the mail. I forgot that I had to list my "company" on the application so I put down "Madge & Associates, LTD." Ha ha! I can't wait to show Betty and Agnes this one!

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's truly the most wonderful time of the year. People are flocking to the stores charging themselves into the poor house and as a result I have to wait twice as long to check out. This is true even at Walgreens! And is it just me, or are they making Christmas decorations twice as ugly and charging twice as much money?

Bah humbug!

Every dish in my house was used!

So yes, I have a ton of washing up to do today. Every single dish I own was used at dinner yesterday. Oh and I got to get out of going shopping this morning. Nothing like faking a cold to be able to stay in on a cold morning! But hey, it was fun having all four of my kids gathered under the roof again. Only now I am so feeble that I could not spank them even if I tried.

But we did have some fun conversations about sex, which set Dana off on a tangent:

Dana: James! How dare you talk about something like that in front of your own mother?!
Me: Oh Dana lighten up. Just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm no longer interested in sex. Hell if Kevin Costner were in my bed, I'd ride him all day and all night!
James: Ugh, Mother!
Me: So go ahead, James, finish your story about your co-worker Bob and his steamy love affair with the manager...

Thanksgiving takes it out of you...

Oh my Gawd, they are finally gone! I am so tired dear readers, so I'll have to make this brief. Aside from burning the stuffing, and everyone arriving late, and the demon-in-law Dana complaining about everything, it was still not a bad meal. And you know, it became more fun and interesting with each sherry too.

I have to go to bed now because my damn kids want to drag me out to the stores at four in the bloody morning! (Oh why me?!)

So if you excuse me, I need to finish my wine and go to bed where I can continue my fantasy involving my hands and Kevin Costner's hot, plump butt cheeks...Oh Kevin! Take me away!


Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hide me, kids, CHRISTMAS is now upon us!)