Well, I'll say...

Bush's speech last night was his best one to date. He only stumbled across 5 words in total! Normally, he stumbles across every sentence. He sure sounded convincing, ey? Well, let's see. Everytime we had an urgent situation that needed immediate action, it has screwed over the country. Sorry, Bush, no sale. Let those greedy pigs on Wall Street go down in flames! Hell, I limp when I walk, but I'll be more then happy to hobble on over to Wall Street and light the first match!

Don't mess with me, I'm old and gassy, punk!

Special thanks to my son for this one!!

Someone's gonna get an extra special Christmas present this year!!!

Is it November yet?

I just can't stand watching the news or reading the papers anymore! The media has gone nuts over this Palin woman from Alaska! Big crocking deal! I raised four kids, lived with a crazy husband, and I had a career on top of being active in church, and I did not have as much money as this Palin-bot! Did I get rewarded with a VP nomination? No! But I did get my husband's inheritence, which I enjoy very much thanks to that frugal dirtbag!

Now, about the Palin mask patent for Halloween, some big law firm called me up claiming to represent Hallmark. Apparently, if I sell even a single mask, my ass will get sued because Hallmark invented the masks the split second Johnny boy announced her as his running "mate." Damn those hallmark pigs! They're always planning way in advanced for the holidays!

Oh well, I have one trick up my sleeve. Hallmark cannot get the patent rights on my other scary Halloween tradition: my good friend Agnes O'Rourk! (Betty, if you're reading this, Agnes is mine this year. I need to get my revenge on those kids who egged my car!!!!!!)

It's that time of year again...well...not quite.

Halloween candy is now in full swing at the stores. Great. Another year of putting up with trick-or-treators egging my porch because I didn't get the right kind of candy. Maybe if I borrow Sarah Palin for the night, she can scare them off, or better yet, get egg on her face for selling her family up the river for wealth and power.

I think this year for Halloween I'll wear a Palin mask...

Just a quick memo...

Note to self...oh...and there it goes... I forget. Oh well, it's time to watch my stories, good day!

Well hi there, kids, I miss you!

Hi there. Sorry for going for so long without saying hello. I have been a busy old lady this last month. First of all, I have a new job, part time, purely for the hell of it. The Board of Health said that if I don't spend at least 20 hours outside my house, they will have no choice to board it up for all my toxic old lady fumes have caused the street to suffer from lung disease. (But it is summer, I don't like the heat and humidity!)

So I found a job at my Episcopal church. I am their part time secretary, which is kind of fun. I love my fellow parishioners and taking their phone calls is a delight:

Me: Thank you for calling St. Peter's Episcopal Church, this is Madge how may I help you?
Agnes: You're missing the Young and the Restless!
Me: I know, Agnes, I know. Now cut to the chase and tell me about all the raunchy sex scenes and drama!

So as you can see, kids, I love being a working girl again. I know financially I don't need it, but dammit, I need to get outta the house every now and then, and there is just so much you can do in Kansas City before going absolutely raving mad (like Agnes).

Meanwhile, Betty has been up in Montana visiting her sister, so it has been rather quiet around here, oh, except of course Agnes still calls me non-stop because apparently the next door neighbors have installed cameras into her house and like watching her bathe. (Agnes, honey, get professional help!)

Monitor your credit card accounts, children.

Hi kids, how have you all been? Well, grandma's been fighting with her credit card company to get her 500 dollars back. Apparently some whipper snapper stole my number and bought 500 dollars worth of merchandise online. How the hell they got my card number, I'll never know. I don't even shop online. Hell, I can barely navigate this blog of mine, let alone buy things online.

Whoever stole my credit card is going to get it. Grandma is furious! Death to those identity thieves!

How many times do I have to tell them damn kids...

Well, today marks the tenth year since my husband died. Now before any of you start sending your condolences, keep in mind I open a bottle of champaign when that man died. After all those years of marriage, babies, and me cooking his meal night after night, that man only bought me a bouquet of carnations for our anniversary. He was so damn frugal that he insisted on buying me the same color of weeds year after year, and he always told the kids, "Pink carnations are your mom's favorite flowers." Yeah right!

So what do my damn kids do? They send me pink carnations on the anniversary of my husband's passing. Gah! Do I have to be reminded of all those years of labor that I never got rewarded for? That's ok, within the first week he died I bought myself a new car, a mink stoal (fake, I don't wear dead animal), oh and I bought a diamond ring too, not to mention I went to St. Louis for a week.

Now, what do I do about these blasted carnations...Anges! She's too old to tell the difference between carnations and roses! Hot damn, a repreive!

Prunella DeVille...

Literally. Today not one, but TWO sales women came to my door, at ONCE! Prunella, my Avon Lady, and that damn pesky Mary Kay women, Jane, with that ridiculous smile that makes me want to set my hair on fire, both showed up at my door. As soon as Prunella heard Jane talking about my "interest" in some hand creams, Prunella snapped. "So THIS is why you haven't called in months, eh?"

No, Prunella, dear. I haven't called in months because that cream you sold me made me break out in hives! This got Jane all excited so she proceeded to inform the two of us that Mary Kay doesn't break anyone out (Ha! Just go look at my niece, Sarah, after she uses Mary Kay!). Jane proceeds to invite Prunella and myself to join the Mary Kay "opportunity". Prunella scoffed. "I'm sorry, but I refuse to go around like a 1960s oppressed housewife hyped up on pink pride." And I said, "I'm sorry, Jane, sweetie, I am too damn old to be sucked into a cult that requires you to smile till it fucking hurts."

At this point, Jane just smiled even bigger, and proceeded to tell us that Mary Kay is every woman's dream come true. Well Jane, if that were true, I'd a become a lesbian long ago.

Thank God I faked that heart attack, otherwise I never would have gotten rid of those two hams! Note to sales ladies: GO AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK!

I still can't sleep!

What am I still doing up? I have church tomorrow and then an afternoon appointment at Flo's Beauty Salon. And if I don't get enough sleep, Flo will notice! She can spot bags from a mile away.

Even Maxine is passed out on the easy chair. It's Saturday night and the city is still wide awake. All those young kids are out drinking and sinning...damn I long to be 24 again!