Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is for you to cook Christmas dinner for me so that I don't have to because my damn kids demand Martha Stewart style holiday banquets. (Damn you, Martha Stewart!) In exchange for this favor, Santa, I will refrain from calling up Mrs. Clause to tell her about our hot, tawdry love affair two years ago. Hey, you owe me, Santa. You remember that gift you gave me two years ago? Well it took two weeks of penicillin to get rid of it!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge Sinclair (Your former squeeze)