I love Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

There's nothing I love more than a tasty Krispy Kreme doughnut. Unfortunately one is all it takes to completely block my arteries, and presto, I have a heart attack before I know it! (Not to mention my bowels declare anarchy.)
But the real kicker is that Betty can put away eight of those suckers, yet her cholesterol level is fine. Why, God, why?!

Oh Gawd!

Today's one of those days when I get gas and hot flashes. Do you know what that does to me? Huh? Huh? Do you?!

There's not enough Beano and Estrogen in Kansas City to get me through this terrible day!

Getting old isn't so bad...

Today at the drug store, I over heard two younger gals talk about growing older. One of them mentioned how she'd die if she suddenly lost her looks.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Honey, it's not so bad. The biggest shock came when I woke up one morning and found that my butt dropped by 6 inches, then a week later my boobs were suddenly 2 feet lower, but hey, you get used to it. Then, one day when your whacked out on medications, you just laugh at yourself when you accidentally kick a bun or a nipple..."

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Potato Salad + Stuffed Cabbage + Bean Salad + Corned Beef + Cherry Cheesecake = Weapons of Mass Destruction. (There's not enough Beano on the planet to stop a bomb like that!)

Children.

You know, everything I needed to know about raising children I learned from watching "Mommy Dearest."

NO METAL HANGERS...!!!!

Brr!

Good Gawd it's cold! I woke up this morning with icecylces hanging from my sagging breasts. Fortunatley I was prepared for a cold day like this.

I've got ten space heaters, plus I put the central heating on full blast. I'm wearing 6 sweaters, 4 pairs of socks, and 3 pairs of pants, and I am covered with 4 quilts. Unfortunately, I can't move. I am stuck in this chair all day which is not good because my bladder will explode any minute...

The Lottery

Agnes: Did I tell you that I won the lottery?
Betty: Oh my gosh, really?!
Me: Can I be put in your will?
Agnes: Yes! I won 500 dollars! Isn't that exciting?
Me: I'm lactating.
Betty: Agnes, winning 500 dollars is not the same as winning the lottery.
Agnes: Is so. My scratch off ticket says I won 500 dollars. With that money, I no longer need my social security check!
Me: Did we inhale too many hairspray fumes again today, Agnes?

Agnes

Agnes. I love her like a sister, but sometimes the woman's a complete moron.

A perfect example of this is two years ago the following conversation took place over the phone:

Me: Agnes, I have bad news. My oldest sister died yesterday.
Agnes: That's terrible! What happened?
Me: She was fighting terrorists in the Middle East, she was 89!!!
Agnes: Well, it was good that she was able to work right up to the end.

My Avon Lady

You know, thanks to the craziness of the time change, I completely forgot my 4 o'clock appointment with Prunella, my Avon lady. Just as I was walking out the door to go to Walgreens, there she was on my porch with a basket of goodies.

So I invited her in and she gave me a facial, and she did my makeup...

Prunella: Viola! What do you think Madge?
Me: My Gawd! I look like a 65 year old drag queen!
Prunella: Well I told you I'd make you look ten years younger.
Me: Yes, but did you have to make me look like Tim Burton on crack?!
Prunella: Now now, Madge. Here, I brought you some bath beads made with real milk.
Me: Great. Then when I'm soaking and I get hungry, I'll add some Raisin Bran .

Damn time change!

I swear, if I ever find out who invented daylight savings time, I'll kill them! And if they're already dead, I'll dig em up and kill em again!

I just spent my whole day completely unaware that I forget to change all twenty of my clocks back. (Yes, you read right, I have twenty clocks. Hey, I'm old, I need constant reminding of the time.)

And those two scoundrels Agnes and Betty either forgot themsleves, or they were being too nice to clue me in.

Hell, no wonder they were both an hour late for lunch today!

Company Today.

Betty and Agnes came over for lunch, I made sandwiches. Here's the highlight of their visit:

Agnes: Madge, do you have any more kleenex?
Me: Yes, they're in my top dresser door inside my bras.
Agnes: What are they doing there?
Me: I was blowing my breasts, Agnes.

Do you know...?

Do you know that when I set my hearing aid on high I can hear a canary break wind from a block away?!

This is why I have a shotgun handy...

So this evening I got a phone call from Betty...

Me: How's your Sunday, Betty?
Betty: I'm exhausted.
Me: How come?
Betty: Someone rang my doorbell at 3 this morning.
Me: Who was it?
Betty: I dunno, I didn't answer. Who would ring a doorbell at 3am?
Me: A Jehovah's Witness with a caffeine problem?!

Walgreens has me to thank...

Walgreens has me to thank for their sales growth of 13.4%

Why? you ask. Well, let's see. I've got to have my Beano for you know w-h-a-t, I need pads for my bunions, I've got ten warts I'm slowly killing off with those handy dandy wart removal kits, I buy toilet paper and kleenex like it's going out of style, I've got Ben Gay for the knees, Vicks vapor rub for my chest, Halls cough drops for my throat, Heating pads for my neck, Tums for my acid reflux, seven kinds of diuretics for the rest of the digestive system, and I always stock up on Calmoseptine ointment for my you know w-h-e-r-e when my bladder gets out of control.

Do they still teach English in school?

This afternoon I went down to the coffee shop to buy some more tea. (I love their teas, they are so fresh and all organic too.)

I stood behind this young gal who couldn't have been older than 21. I noticed she was taking forever and there was a long line behind us. I kid you not, here is how she ordered her beverage:

"I want like a latte like...with like skim...and like medium size...with like no foam...like 145 degrees...two like Splendas...like one pump of like sugar free vanilla...and like...um like...and like an extra shot..."

It took her five minutes to get all that out. (And you should have seen the look on that cashier's face!) And it urked me that she used "like." in every phrase. Then her phone rang and she went on in a long tirade of "like" and "she was like...and he was like..."

Good Gawd! Do they not teach kids how to speak proper English anymore?! It disturbed me so much that I'm extra gassy tonight. (LOOK OUT!)


Madge's lesson of the day: Never abuse the English language around any teacher or former teacher!

Why I never drive.

Today I actually drove my car for the first time in a while. I usually never drive anywhere because the gas prices are too high and with my senior discount, I can get around pretty well on the bus. If it wasn't for Agnes, I would have stayed home today.

Agnes called me and asked if I wanted to pick her up, go to lunch, and take her to the drugstore. I figured why the hell not. So I start up the sucker, back it out and I damn near take out my mailbox. After I recover from my mild stroke, I step on the gas and head over to her house.

The real frustration set in when I was making a right turn on Kennedy, and I could not go because of the pedestrians. Well, some senseless boob pulls up behind me and starts honking. I throw up my hands and start swearing. The honking persists and finally I am able to complete my turn. Then that jerk pulls around me, honks, and gives me the finger. So I gave it back double, and that arrogant prick honks again and speeds off.

Where is my shotgun when I need it?

The Nerve!

To the folks at AT&T. Quit calling me. I paid my damn bill already, quit telling me you never received the check. No, I don't want to charge my monthly bills to my credit card, it's for emergency only. No, I will not give you my checking account numbers over the phone. Bush is listening in and I'll be damned if he gets my savings to buy more booze for his daughters. No I do not want to upgrade my service or add on a cell phone or cable or any of your other crappy services, I am paying you idiots too damn much to begin with.

I said I am not interested in adding on services, quit trying to sell me things I don't need! I want to you fix this billing problem.

Yes. I told you, I mailed out the check two weeks ago, yes I sent it to the correct address. Are you accusing me of being too old and feeble to pay my bills? Ok, well if that's how you want to be, fine, there many other corrupt money hungry phone companies out there who'll give me a good long distance/internet service package! (Click)

Think twice before you speak.

Well the trip to Dillons wasn't as fun as I hoped. (Normally I love grocery shopping, but today was one of the few times I didn't.)

First of all, the store was out of the butter they had on sale. I talked to a manager and she said they wouldn't have any in till Tuesday. I protested because the sale ends tomorrow, but she gave me a rain check. (Great! I'll have to make another trip, and it's supposed to rain all day Tuesday!)

Second, they moved the peanut butter to another aisle, and after walking around the store ten times, I had to ask someone where it was. (Who the hell puts peanut butter in the back of a store next to a display of Preparation H?)

Third, the cashier over charged me and forget to take my savings card and coupons. When I brought this to his attention, he shook his head apologized and then he proceeded to call me "sir."

Sir? I know I'm old and that I usually look like hell, but how many 75 year old brauds run around with 5 o'clock shadow?

It's Saturday.

Saturday. Time to do my cleaning. This is the day I also get the most exercise, naturally. I start my mornings by playing one of my jazz records (yes I still use a record player, and today I am listening to Miles Davis.) And then I get to work with the washing and ironing (I use Tide, in case you're curious.) After the laundry, I sweep and mop my floors, dust my bookshelves, arrange my knick knacks, clean and water all my plants, vacuum the carpets, clean out the bathroom, and prepare a shopping list for the afternoon in case I forgot anything on my main shopping day.

By the time Saturday evening rolls around, I usually reward myself with a glass of brandy and a good book in my comfy chair next to the window. I have a large sack of novels Agnes gave me to read. Right now I am finishing up The Maytrees by Annie Dillard and then I'll start on one of those Rex Stout Nero Wolfe mysteries Agnes gave me. (I do love Rex Stout's work.)

Ok, well my little break is here is coming to an end, so I better finish the ironing and get on to other chores. Have a wonderful Saturday!

My butt's asleep!

Well the movie was nicer than I thought it would be. I avoided the popcorn, and refused to get a soda with Agnes. Betty had some candy, which surprised me given how much she ate at the Olive Garden. I admit, I had a little too much wine, but hell it was worth it. Betty had a great time and she loved the Maxine card.

Unfortunately, I fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the film and when Betty and Agnes woke me up, my butt was completely numb. Slowly I staggered with them and they hailed the cab while I sat on the bench outside the theater trying my best to get my blood flowing to my rump again. I about fell through my front door, but now I am sipping on a hot toddy and I feel better. Well dear children, good night. Grandma's off to bed.