My kids are fighting again...

Only this time, since they are grown up, they are not involving me. Thank God! My kids used to fight all time, even when we lived in that big house out on Elmridge. Of course, back then it was easier to get them to stop fighting by telling them lovingly, "NOW YOU TWO QUIT FIGHTING OR ELSE YOU'LL BOTH BECOME STRANGE SMELLS IN THE ATTIC!!!!!!"

That worked right up until high school. Now, if I try, I'll fail at getting my kids to stop fighting period. I guess I could fake a heart attack here and there, but we'll see. Granny's got a scheme a cookin' right now, so stay tuned, muah hahahahaaa!

Christmas Cards, Bunyons, and Gas! Oh My!

Yes, it has been a busy week. I had to go in last Thursday for a minor foot operation, I had a bunyon the size of a half dollar on my left foot (which I think God gave me as a punishment for kicking a parishioner who cut in front of me at the Eucharist that Sunday).

So I was in bed all week recovering, which I used that time to finish off my Christmas cards and watch some dirty movies. My daughter came into town to help me and she was horrified when she learned that Betty brought me my dirty movies. Her exact words were, "Mother I can't believe you are watching this!" I told her, "Hey! What's the big deal?! Do you think I'm gonna go down to the senior center and find someone to do that with?!"

So to make a long story short she took away my movies and I had to watch Little House on the Prairie. That's ok. I got my revenge after two days of consuming beer and Fritos. I about gassed my darling daughter outta the house! That'll teach her to interupt me when I'm watching "Erotic Days of our Lives!"

Oh good Gawd, Dana is pregnant!

I cannot believe it, my youngest son, Steve, got his wife pregnant! My baby is having a baby! I don't know what to say! I am excited yet horrified at the same time. This means I will forever be stuck with Dana as a daughter in law! Gosh I remember the first time I met Dana's parents. I never met such ice pops! I remember it like it was yesterday, we were in their living room having some pound cake...

Dana: You know, mom, I never had a pound cake quite so moist!
Steve: Extremely moist...
Me: I found the tea rather moist as well!
Steve: Mom!
Me: What?! I can't be uncomfortable too?!

Oh well, I guess this year I ought to go out and buy Steve and Dana some baby things. I cannot imagine what Dana is like when she's tripped out on hormones. I can't stand her when she's at her best, ha! Poor Steve, he's in for a LONG nine months...!

Well hello kids!

How was your weekend? Mine was pleasant despite the fact that my phone rang off the hook. Agnes thinks Alf is living with her again, so she keeps telling me of all his funny shannigans. I stopped telling her that Alf is a fictional character long ago, she just thinks the way she thinks.

Anyways, today I took the day off and I went up to the Metro North Mall for a mid morning walk. I stopped in the pet shop and bought Maxine a doggie bone for being such a good girl and then I went down to AT&T to pay for my first cellular phone bill.

Yes, I finally took to the cellular phone on my own in late August even though my son had bought me one of those prepaid cellular phones a year before. (That thing was crap!) So in August I bought this pearl colored phone designed for seniors. That sucker is easy to use with large buttons and when I open it, the thing automatically answers my calls. Since I decided to get rid of my landline and just keep my internet only, the AT&T man suggested that since I am now using my cellular phone as my primary line, I should go with the 900 minutes package for 60 dollars a month. I have unlimited night and weekend calling along with no long distance charges, which is great because now I can call the kids without watching my time! Oh and I found out that both of my daughters have AT&T which means we can talk for free! All this for 60 dollars?! Hotdamn!

You know, it is kind of nice to be able to go anywhere and be able to listen to Agnes' stories, or James asking me for money, or listening to my daughters tell me about their kids. I never really used my prepaid phone because I couldn't hear anyone, but with my AT&T cellular phone, I hear plenty well. How about that!

James, I forgive you for marrying Dana!

I forgive my son James for marrying Dana. Why?

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO HE SENT ME!!!

I just got an early Christmas present.

Well, Christmas is here early. My son James came over to give me an early present. I asked him why he couldn't wait till December 25th, but he insisted that this is something I should not go another day without, to which I replied, "Oh, you tackled Kevin Costner, stripped him naked and wrapped him up for me?" James said no. (Damn!) So here's how the opening of my present went...

Me: I can't work this damn thing!
James: Mom, where did you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a cell phone.
Me: What the hell do I need a cell phone for? It's bad enough that Agnes rings my home phone off the hook only to tell me she had another hot flash.
James: Mom, you live all alone. If something happened to you here, or while you were out, I'd feel terrible if you couldn't call for help.
Me: I see your point, but I am not helpless. If I don't return Agnes or Betty's phone calls within 30 minutes they always send half the fire department down here to look for me.

Parenting makes you grow old quick.

I love all four of my children very much, but thanks to them I got old. However, I have to admit that I did enjoy yelling at them for all the little things they did. Here is one of my favorite memories in the supermarket:

James and Bill were fighting over who would get to pick out the candy at check out. They finally worked up my nerves and I got their attention by screaming to the top of my lungs, "QUIT FIGHTING YOU TWO OR I'LL RAISE MY VOICE!"

Everyone stopped and stared, and who was embarrassed? Not me, them! To this day I take great pride in my ability to embarrass my kids in public. Hey, if they don't want to listen to mother, then mother will publicly humiliate the hell out of them.

My son's birthday.

Today is my youngest son's birthday so I gave him a call this morning:

Me: Happy Birthday James!
James: Thanks mom.
Me: What do you want for your birthday, son?
James: 1000 dollars.
Me: What?! I'm not sending you that much!
James: Come on, mom. You're loaded. Quit hoarding all the money for yourself and give some to us kids.
Me: But you kids already had it too good, now it's my turn. Besides, you never touched the principle: that money is for my old age.
James: Old age? Come on, mom, you don't leave finger prints anymore.