Honestly...

Is this set not beautiful? Mary Kay does make good products, but who the hell wants to pay $60.00 for this?



Now this is my facial set. I bought two Olay products and two L'Oreal products. Total cost: $21.00 And would you know, this is the SAME as Mary Kay's 60-dollar kit? Sure I had to buy two different brands, but it is the same kit.

Now, my dears if you excuse me, it is 8:30, time for my half hour facial. It takes me a half hour because I use this on my face and my behind. Hey, laugh all you want, but I still have smooth skin down there...

Avon, eat your heart out!

Today Walgreens had a superb sale on cosmetics! You buy one get one 50% off! Hot damn! And just this morning Prunella, my Avon lady called me and asked if there was anything I needed to stock up on, I wisely told her no. Not with this sale anyways! So I headed there after church and picked up some facial products from Olay and Loreal Paris. I thought I'd go wild and give myself facials every other day now. I know Avon and Mary Kay have the same products, but I am saving a bundle by going to Walgreens.

I bought Olay's sensitive skin face cleanser and deep cleansing mask. I then bought Loreal Paris' refreshing toner (alcohol-free) and their anti-wrinkle moisturizer for my face. I was also running low on lip stick, eye liner, and foundation.

I came home and immediately gave myself a facial. This stuff works just as well as Mary Kay and Avon! When I put on the clay mask, Maxine saw me and wanted to lick it off my face. Silly puppy! That mask really sucks the dirt out of your skin. The tube says to use it 1-2 times a week, and I can see why! The toner is really good too. It gets my skin ready for moisturizing. The anti-wrinkle cream is another good buy, my face feels so smooth now, as if I knocked the years off of it!

Now, maybe if I hurry to the bar, I can pick up a rich old fart who is looking for a beneficiary!

Don't wait up!

The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat!

Tonight I cleaned house at my canasta club! I won over a hundred bucks! Both Agnes and Betty kept betting against Irene, Gale and Lucille. I love how competitive they all are because it worked out for my advantage! So after the game I stopped off at the convenience store and bought 50 Powerball lottery tickets. Hey, if my winning streak continues, I'll be the richest old bitch this side of the Mason-Dixon line!

The Beauty Parlor.

Today I made my monthly trip to Flo's Hair Salon. Gosh I love that place. Flo, the owner, has the shop all dolled up with floral arrangements, wallpaper, and kitschy Victorian style mirrors. She said it cost her a fortune, but she wanted to revive the olden days of the beauty parlor.

Everytime I go for my silver blue rinse and curls, Flo always greets me and offers me some tea with scones while I wait for Gladys to do my hair. And the conversations there are never dull, children. For example:

Flo: You all ready for the holidays, hun?
Me: Yup, I've got the tree up, the stockings hung, and the booby traps set for the carolers.
Gladys: Well good Lord, honey, why would you do such a thing like that?
Me: Because none of them can ever sing on key. It's like listening to Roseanne Barr singing after she's had one too many wine spritzers.
Flo: Well do you have all your presents bought?
Me: Yes, I got all my children taken care of except my daughter Jeanie.
Gladys: How come? Is she hard to shop for?
Me: No. She's not getting anything except a card.
Flo: Now Madge why would you leave her out?
Me: Because she never calls and she never writes. The only time I hear from her is at Christmas when she mails me a tacky cheddar cheese nativity scene.
Gladys: What's so terrible about that?
Me: I'm Episcopalian, I can't spread a wise man over a Ritz cracker.

Sex and Hot Summers

Sex and Hot Summers don't mix, children. Instead of a bumpin' and a grindin' you end up a slippin' and a slidin'

Pie making ain't what it used to be.

This morning I got up at 6am to start making the pies for tomorrow. Good Gawd I forgot how hard making homemade pies can be. And little Maxine, bless her heart, kept wimpering so I let her have a taste. Kids, sheesh!

I have to make two apple pies for Thanksgiving, and I already bought the pecan pie from the bakery. Three pies should do it. My children have all called me and told me that this year they are skipping dessert because they don't want to gain weight...ha!

My apple pies are made with REAL butter and REAL sugar! And I do the latice tops too!!! They sing to you and I serve them with vanilla bean icecream on the side...

They won't be able to resist! Ha, ha ha!