Thank God they're all gone!

I love my children and their spouses, BUT...

My old age is for ME, ME, ME!!!!

Dana was a lot nicer this Christmas, she even kissed me on the cheek and called me "mom." It took every bone in my body not to throw up, but I suppose I ought to be nice to her since she is carrying my son's baby.

Now, I saw my two grand kids from my oldest (who stayed in a hotel because she didn't want to burden me) and they are wonderful. It's something funny, my kids drive me nuts, yet my grand kids do not! Talk about ironic!

Anyways, my kids ate a lot, my grand kids played a lot, and I drank a lot. All in all, not a bad Christmas!

Now, bring on the New Year's celebrations! Agnes, Betty, and I are having a few gals over at my place for some gin rummy, champagne, and all the snacks you can eat! We will watch the ball drop at 11:59 p.m. Happy New Year!

Love,

Madge

p.s. Can you believe it?! One more year and we start a NEW decade! Oh God I am getting OLD, OLD, OLD! Hell, I can remember when we were counting down to the 1950s! Now before I know it, we will be counting down to the 2010s. Oh Lord have mercy!

Well...

Hi there kids,

How was your weekend? Mine was busy. I had to finish wrapping presents for my children who are coming later today, and I also had to get my groceries for Christmas dinner (which includes that all important aspirin for after I finish all that cooking). The house is ready to go with my Christmas knick knack collection, and today I am baking all of my Christmas cookies, pies, and cakes. Little Maxine has her Christmas bow on her dog collar and I let her unwrap her present early: a nice doggie bone and a bag of Beggin' Strips treats.

Now, if you all excuse me, I just heard my timer go off, I gotta go put my last batch of cookies in the oven!

Merry Christmas! I won't be able to update again until after the kids leave this weekend, so if I don't see you, kids, Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is for you to cook Christmas dinner for me so that I don't have to because my damn kids demand Martha Stewart style holiday banquets. (Damn you, Martha Stewart!) In exchange for this favor, Santa, I will refrain from calling up Mrs. Clause to tell her about our hot, tawdry love affair two years ago. Hey, you owe me, Santa. You remember that gift you gave me two years ago? Well it took two weeks of penicillin to get rid of it!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge Sinclair (Your former squeeze)

Well Thanksgiving is this week!

I am all ready. I have the turkey, the ingredients for my homestyle stuffing, potatoes, sweet potatoes, peas, beans, corn, plenty of flour and yeast for my dinner rolls, and the pecan pie ingredients are all ready to go.

All four of my kids are coming home this year, and the girls arrive tomorrow, with the boys arriving on Wednesday. Luckily, they are all staying in hotels, so I don't have to put anyone of them in the spare bedroom. Oh it will be so nice to see the kids again, as obnoxious as they are! Maybe my dead husband will come back to haunt us on Thanksgiving. Lord knows that man has come back to haunt me a few times! And you know, even in death, he still wants nookie!

What an easy Halloween!

First of all, not one of my trick-or-treaters were rude or mischievous! So the good news there is I don't need to buy new booby traps next year.

And the better news is they loved my caramel apples! And I don't have a drop of candy left in the house. Maxine was a very big help this year, she was grandma's little helper and the kids just loved her!

So yes, it was a nice night, I had a lot of kids stop by, as expected, and it was a nice time had by all. Well, I'm off to bed, I'll take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Thanksgiving decorations tomorrow. Whew, the holidays are here, my friends!

Geez oh Pete, it's Halloween!

And this year I'm expecting a larger crowd of trick-or-treaters. Let's see, I have the caramel apples, the bags of assorted candies, my wicked witch costume, and all the booby traps laid out on the front porch in case any of those whipper snappers decides to get smart with grandma!

Oh! And here's a photograph of Maxine helping me out with the decorations. She did a very good job, extra puppy treats for her!




Happy Halloween! Be safe out there, and look out, at midnight tonight I will be flying across the country on my broomstick to go torment Bush at the White House, muah hahahahahaaaa!

I'm all ready for Halloween!

Well kids,

I'm all ready for my trick-or-treaters:

I've got 6 bags of candy (last year I learned the hard way, give out LOTS of candy!), I also have my front porch decked out in cobwebs, skeletons, ghosts, and jack-o-lanterns. And! I bought Maxine a new puppy costume: she is going to be an Oscar Meyer Wiener for Halloween!

Now, if you excuse me, kids, I need to get started on my caramel apples. This year I decided to give out caramel apples to help the kids get something somewhat nutritious to eat on Halloween night.

Oh! This Thursday marks my one year anniversary of doing this online journal! What a year we've had! Lots of gas, laughs, old lady moments, and plenty of good fun!

A special thank you to all my devoted readers, most notably, Church Lady aka Chris, Peggy, Brandi, Lynn, Brooke, and Irisrainbow!

And to those of you who read but don't post a comment, I love you too!

Happy Halloween 2008!

Oh Lord, I'll sure be busy on Halloween...!

Yes, this means that grandma will have to buy triple the candy this year, and I'll have to set twice the booby traps because every little ankle biter on my street will coming down to Madge's on Halloween! Sheesh!

Oh Brother...

So my son James, just emailed me about Thanksgiving. Looks like grandma's going to be breaking her back again this year. And to make matters worse, he sends me a list of foods he and Dana would like me to prepare. But that's not all... He sends me a picture of the food he wants prepared, just in case I am too blind to read the email! Why that little...

So here is the photograph for you all to gawk at:

It sure looks delicious, but do I look like Sara Lee?! I just now sent him the following response:


Dear James,

I received your request of what I need to cook for Thanksgiving. I don't think the turkey in the picture you sent me is big enough. Here, I found a picture of an even bigger bird...


Do you think this will be enough food for everyone?

Love,

Maw.

Independence Day Nightmares

Oh kids, I am so tired. All night last night, those darned neighborhood teenagers lit firecracker after firecracker! For a moment I thought World War III broke out in Kansas City. Maxine was shaken the whole night, she buried herself under my pillow and wouldn't come out till dawn.

Whoever came up with the concept to light explosives to celebrate our nation's birthday is indeed the lowest scum of humanity. Sometimes I wonder if these inventors come up with these inventions just to find new ways to torture the elderly!

Bah humbug!

On a positive note, I did get a sexy blue rinse done on my hair since I am heading out to dinner with the girls in a few minutes. We're going to a Let-Us-Entertain-You restaurant on the Kansas side of Kansas City. I've read many great reviews and their wine selection is excellent. I just hope Betty and Agnes will have me back here by 10:00. I am getting up early tomorrow to attend the spoken Eucharist at 7:30 a.m. (I usually attend the 10:30 Choral Eucharist, but I have a lot to do tomorrow.)

Ok, my rides here, I gotta run. Maxine, be a good girl till mommy comes home drunk again tonight...!

Picnic for Memorial Day

Well, I'm off to Agnes' to ride with her and Betty to the park. We are having our annual Memorial Day Picnic in the park. It's a nice time for us to get together and eat potato salad, loose meat sandwiches, baked beans, fried chicken, and have soda, and a watermelon. I did go visit my husband's grave and left him a nice bouquet of flowers early this morning. It was almost touching until I remembered what a Nazi he was at times.

Now back to the picnic. This year will be Maxine's first picnic with us (I got her back last June.) So I will have her leashed to the tree next to the shelter and she can chase butterflies.

Let's see...this year I have to bring the potato salad, so I made it the way my mother used to make it: with bacon, and sliced pickle. It really is delicious, don't knock it till you try it.

I have everything ready to go. Ok, Maxine, let's go meet the girls and head to the park!

Happy Memorial Day!

Double the holidays.

Today is mother's day and it is the Day of Pentecost for us Episcopalians. That means, I get to both eat a lot of sweets, and drink a hell of a lot of wine to commemorate both holidays today.

I love being an Episcopalian woman!

Oh dear Lord...

I got my first mother's day present from one of the children: a cheddar cheese carving of the virgin mother. I'm Episcopalian, I can't spread the holy mother over a Ritz cracker...

Whew! It's finally over!

I of course gave in to my children's wills and had Christmas here at my house. So after four hours of eating, drinking, and listening to Dana yammer on about the evils of Disney movies, Christmas is finally over. And poor Maxine. The grandkids love her to death and they played with her for hours. She finally dropped in the middle of the living room, exhausted. So I fed her some turkey and stuffing, and I gave a few shots of my chardonnay, and that seemed to calm her down.

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge.

P.S. Got Beano?

The answer is an obvious one.

So today my kids called and asked if I'm hosting Christmas this year. I had everyone over for Thanksgiving and after 10 pounds of chocolate, a gallon of wine, and lots of steamy novels, I finally recovered from that fiasco.

So I said as bluntly as I could to my kids, "Hell no! Merry Christmas!" *click

Finally!

I finally finished writing all 250 Christmas cards. I only had to stay up all night to do it. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to have some Bourbon and go to sleep. I am so glad that Christmas will soon be over!

Why I'll never be on Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Complete this phrase: 'Better Late Than...'
Me: Pregnant.

You know it's the beginning of the end when you can't even answer a simple question on Jeopardy.

Meanwhile, what should I get Betty for Christmas?! Agnes is easy. Every year she gives me a tacky sweater (the woman's a huge fan of highly unusual sweaters) and every year I rewrap the previous year's sweater and give it to her. And without fail she always smiles and asks, "Oooh, where did you find this nifty sweater?" I always answer, "The same place I got you your last sweater. Nieman Marcus in Chicago." Of course Betty knows better and she always gives me that look. But she won't tell my secret because long ago I threatened to cut her off from my Beano supply if she spilled the beans and since she relies on Beano almost as much as I do, she's keeping quiet.

I do know what I am getting myself for Christmas: One of those 5,000 dollar massage chairs, you know the one with the butt warmer that vibrates...ooooh baby!

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

It's truly the most wonderful time of the year. People are flocking to the stores charging themselves into the poor house and as a result I have to wait twice as long to check out. This is true even at Walgreens! And is it just me, or are they making Christmas decorations twice as ugly and charging twice as much money?

Bah humbug!

Thanksgiving takes it out of you...

Oh my Gawd, they are finally gone! I am so tired dear readers, so I'll have to make this brief. Aside from burning the stuffing, and everyone arriving late, and the demon-in-law Dana complaining about everything, it was still not a bad meal. And you know, it became more fun and interesting with each sherry too.

I have to go to bed now because my damn kids want to drag me out to the stores at four in the bloody morning! (Oh why me?!)

So if you excuse me, I need to finish my wine and go to bed where I can continue my fantasy involving my hands and Kevin Costner's hot, plump butt cheeks...Oh Kevin! Take me away!


Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hide me, kids, CHRISTMAS is now upon us!)