Why I'll never be on Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Complete this phrase: 'Better Late Than...'
Me: Pregnant.

You know it's the beginning of the end when you can't even answer a simple question on Jeopardy.

Meanwhile, what should I get Betty for Christmas?! Agnes is easy. Every year she gives me a tacky sweater (the woman's a huge fan of highly unusual sweaters) and every year I rewrap the previous year's sweater and give it to her. And without fail she always smiles and asks, "Oooh, where did you find this nifty sweater?" I always answer, "The same place I got you your last sweater. Nieman Marcus in Chicago." Of course Betty knows better and she always gives me that look. But she won't tell my secret because long ago I threatened to cut her off from my Beano supply if she spilled the beans and since she relies on Beano almost as much as I do, she's keeping quiet.

I do know what I am getting myself for Christmas: One of those 5,000 dollar massage chairs, you know the one with the butt warmer that vibrates...ooooh baby!