Thank God for caller ID...

My crazy nut-job daughter in-law Dana called again. She must know I won 5,000 dollars on the scratch off tickets! Why is it everytime I come into some extra money my kids' spouses are the ones who call asking for this or that! Are my kids THAT afraid of asking me for money themselves? (I guess I raised them a little TOO well, ha ha!!!!)

Note to self: give James a paddling for allowing his wife to bug me non-stop!!!

If only I had a hitman...

So Dana just called and said that I need to contribute money to her church's local exodus group. I told her that she is over four hundred miles away (thank God) and that I don't believe in "curing" gay people of who they are. Then she lectured me for 15 minutes, I couldn't even get a word in. Then when she shut her trap I told her that she and her church are psychologically and spiritually abusing God's gay children. Gays don't need to be "cured" of anything. At my church we have an openly gay vicar who has been with his partner for 10 years and I adore them both. I occasionally have them over for tea and they are funny as hell and probably the most Godly people I've ever met.

Dana finally hung up on me and that's when I called my son and gave him a guilt trip he'll never forget. He swore he had nothing to do with her church's organization. I raised my son to know better than to oppress others (though I told him feel free to oppress any religious lunatics). He swore again that he still avoids going to her church--she's a southern baptist, they are nuts, I tell you, just flat out nuts!

To this day I'll never know why my son decided to shack up with a crazy southern baptist. If he divorces her, I'll become a celibate nun.

A special note to my fellow Episcopalians: NEVER let your children marry outside the Episcopal Church, you'll regret it for the rest of your lives!

Tomorrow I must buy food for Thanksgiving.

I am going to need to get up early tomorrow. This year I am having Thanksgiving at my house (why, God, why?!) for the first time in a few years and I am going to make everything from scratch just the way grandma did for us in the 1930s.

Let's see, I need to get a 30 pound turkey, celery, stuffing kits, onions, garlic, butter, potatoes, cranberries, sugar, pie crust, pecans, corn syrup, milk, fresh green beans, corn, flour, baking soda, canned gravy, turkey broth (ok so not everything will be from scratch, but the kids will never know...) So yes, the menu will be: Turkey, Mashed Potatoes/Gravy, Savory Stuffing, Green Beans, Cranberry Sauce, Pecan Pie, and holiday cookies. Some of my guests will also be bringing desserts too, so we'll have quite a feast.

The only down side is, I have to also invite my inlaws. *shudders. I love my children-in-law, but only after I've knocked back a few sherries.

The worst of them is James' wife, Dana. Good lord, that woman's so perky I'd like to drive a nail through her head! And she uses that awful valley girl accent! Gah! I'd rather have my son married to a gay man than that women, because at least gay men are fun and entertaining. (And they do make the best Italian dishes I've ever eaten!) And I forgot to mention that Dana whines, excessively, and in a disgustingly superficial cheery manner. She's either too hot or too cold, or when I serve her food, it's too mushy, too spicy, too this too that. Hell, even Queen Elizabeth II isn't this picky!

So, next Thursday I'll have to crawl out of bed at four in the morning and stuff a handful of bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt just so Dana can complain about how I cooked the damn bird! I'll be sure to be crocked before she arrives!