I thought the meeting would never end!

Good Lord, I hate long meetings! I know it was important, it is time to send out our monthly church bulletin, but still, two hours! This does not sit well with someone who is so gassy and advanced in age!

Thank God for Beano!

Agnes.

I swear, Agnes isn't paddling with both oars in the water...

Earlier today on my cellular phone:

Me: Agnes, before we go to our bridge game tonight, I need to stop and get some Nescafe.
Agnes: Why do you wanna go to the cafe? We'll be having appetizers.
Me: I didn't say I wanted to go to the cafe, I said I wanted to buy some more Nescafe.
Agnes: You want to buy a cafe? Since when did you decide to go into the restaurant business?
Me: NO! I SAID I WANT TO BUY SOME MORE COFFEE, I'M RUNNING LOW!
Agnes: Well then why the hell did you mention buying a cafe?!
Me: Look, let's stop by Dillon's on our way to Betty's capisce?!
Agnes: Now you're making a little more sense. Wait till Betty hears about your plans to run a restaurant!
Me: Oy vey iz mir!

I still can't sleep!

What am I still doing up? I have church tomorrow and then an afternoon appointment at Flo's Beauty Salon. And if I don't get enough sleep, Flo will notice! She can spot bags from a mile away.

Even Maxine is passed out on the easy chair. It's Saturday night and the city is still wide awake. All those young kids are out drinking and sinning...damn I long to be 24 again!

Do not ever do this...!

Do not ever eat chips with both guacamole and bean dip or you'll end up wasting half a Sunday on the can like me...

It's official...

I hate cream of wheat. It's bad enough that when I eat it, I have to pop ten Beanos, or else the mayor declares a State of Emergency in Kansas City. But the worst part is...all that gas and I'm hungry an hour later...

International Madge Sinclair Day is on June 5th!

Children,

Mark your calendars. June 5th is International Madge Sinclair Day. I'll be turning 76! (Oh damn, I'm so old!) To celebrate, Agnes and Betty are taking me to see those delicious Chippendale male dancers. I plan on drinking a gallon of wine, and I'll have plenty of one dollar bills to put down those boys' G strings! Hoo hoo! Look out World, here comes Grandma!

I thought I heard a prowler outside...

I thought I heard a prowler outside, and I almost called the police. But I opened my curtain and saw that the neighbor's cat was trying to mate with my plastic flamingos, and went to the kitchen for a late night snack.

Nothing like cookies and warm milk to take the edge off of being up in the middle of the night. I let Maxine out for a few minutes and she was glad to come back in--it's cool out there tonight.

I hate being up in the middle of the night, it causes me to have more bags under my eyes. Oh well, I guess tomorrow I will have to apply twice the Oil of Olay. Good night!

I got wild today!

Today I got wild and treated myself to a new pair of orthopedic shoes! And to add to that excitement, I bought some Dr. Scholl's to go in the bottoms!

My poor old feet no longer ache!

Well it's that time of year.

It's that time of year again! Every April 21st I take out the measuring tape and I hold it against my collar bone and I measure down to my nipples. I like to see how far my breasts dropped in the last year, and then I mark the measurement with a permanent marker and I write the year next to the line.

From 2006 to 2007 my breasts dropped 3/4 of an inch. Now, I have the measuring tape in my hand so if you excuse me, I can't do this in front of the computer...

Holy Toledo! I only dropped 1/4th of an inch from 2007! YES!

I need to do something wild to celebrate! I am going out to party! Hey, maybe I'll hit up one of those singles bars and pick up a man! That would make my husband turn in his grave for sure!

Or... I could just go to the kitchen, brew the Vanilla flavored Nescafe and put in two extra lumps!

Never read sexy literature late at night!

I just read an excerpt of Chris Eldin's writing and now I am running to the drug store for some estrogen. Damn these sexy literature induced hot flashes!

Well I do suppose...

I will try and get to bed. But I don't want to get too comfortable. At my age, you get too comfortable, you don't wake up...

'Night!

Just for the Record...

To those of you who heard all those awful, ghastly sounds last night, it wasn't a poltergeist, it was me.

There's a reason they put expiration dates on cottage cheese.

Help! Call 9-1-1, Quick!

Kids! Quick! Call for help! I forgot to turn the heat on in the bathroom and I sat down on the stool and now my butt cheeks are stuck to the seat! Help, I've squatted and I can't get up!

Here Maxine! Here, girl! Push the TV into the bathroom for grandma so she can watch Law & Order until the paramedics arrive!

Et Tu Golden Coral

What ever you do, children, avoid the mystery meat at the Golden Coral. Now if you excuse me, the mystery continues...Oh! Oh! Oh!

My Metabolism.

My metabolism was super slow to begin with. But now that I'm old it's slowed down so much that even a glass of water makes me fat.

Diets suck.

I stepped on the scale today and whoa! I gained ten pounds! How the hell'd that happen?! Suddenly everything is so much more jiggly. So I've decided it's back to many hunger pang filled nights after a measly supper of lettuce leaf with one radish as a side dish. Note to Madge, try to remember that gravy isn't a beverage!