Sell cosmetics? At my age?!

Today in church a lady whom I've known a couple of years asked me if I would attend her daughter's first Mary Kay party earlier this afternoon. She told me that her daughter started selling Mary Kay and needed to have at least five ladies attend the party to learn about cosmetics. So, being the sweet old lady that I am, I flatly refused, stating that I am too damn old to apply paint to my wrinkles. But the lady begged me, so I said yes.

The girl's director was there to oversee her first party, and let me tell you something, yes we did talk about makeup and cosmetics, but the director kept talking non-stop about how wonderful Mary Kay is and that all of us should become consultants so that we can get free cars. Of course, I rolled my ancient eyes at the idea, and then the director looked at me and said, "You know Madge, I know lots of older women who have become successful consultants. Just think, you could be financially independent with your own business!"

I looked at that leach and said, "I tell you how to get financially independent, ladies. Marry a rich bastard and pray he leaves you everything when he croaks."

I'm sorry, but I am too old for this shit. Mary Kay is all hype anyways. I knew a gal who earned the "free" pink cadillac, but when her sales slipped, Mary Kay took her car away. Everything they do has strings attached--in favor of Mary Kay, Inc. No thank you, I don't want to alienate my friends just to make a few dollars off of overpriced powders and creams.

Note to Mary Kay: Leave Madge Sinclair alone! I buy from Avon, not you. And I will never sell your crap, either.

I got wild today!

Today I got wild and treated myself to a new pair of orthopedic shoes! And to add to that excitement, I bought some Dr. Scholl's to go in the bottoms!

My poor old feet no longer ache!

Well...

Tonight I am having some New York style cheesecake and I am watching The Golden Girls. Yes, this is the life!

Just cause it's free don't mean it's gravy.

Last night Betty, Agnes, and I went to a free opera at the University of Missouri-Kansas City's theater where we watched the theater students do their version of the Phantom of the Opera. I know the kids were killing themselves up there, but we three old ladies didn't care for their performance:

Betty: You'd think they'd serve us concession here at our seats so we can stay awake.

Agnes: Well I can't tell which one's the Phantom, and which one's Christine. They're both ugly and they have long unkempt hair.

Me: At least you can see the Phantom's bulge. They don't make him wear tight pants for nothing!

Betty: Please, Madge! Take a cold shower.

Me: Hey, I was just making an observation. Watch how it bobs when he hits those high notes.

Agnes: Hey, I didn't know pepperoni was a part of the Phantom of the Opera.

Me: Agnes, honey, put on your bifocals

Agnes: WHOA! That makes me wish I were on stage with him!

Me: Well I give this opera a two thumbs down and one sausage up.

Betty: I agree. Hey, let's go pick up a cheesecake and head back to my place and play some gin, I'll even put on the good tea.

Agnes and Me: Sounds good, as long as you're buying!

Betty: Eh. What the hell, let's roll.

AHHH! I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE A THING!!

I opened my curtains to let the waning sunshine in and what do I see? My neighbor across the street is at his window, COMPLETELY NAKED! I saw his whole package, and let me tell you, looking at a middle aged pot-bellied balding hairy man and his fruit caused me to lose it. I roared with laughter. Then the hideous baboon turned around and scratched his ugly behind (which actually looks better than his face.)

Oh God, the insanity of some people just blows my mind! And yes, I am officially blind now. Fortunately, I trained Maxine to use her little puppy paws on the keyboard in case I ever lost my sight. Here you go, Maxy girl, there's a sausage for you, oh and a dog treat too...

Pearl of Wisdom: Nothing is funnier than the site of a naked man.

Well it's that time of year.

It's that time of year again! Every April 21st I take out the measuring tape and I hold it against my collar bone and I measure down to my nipples. I like to see how far my breasts dropped in the last year, and then I mark the measurement with a permanent marker and I write the year next to the line.

From 2006 to 2007 my breasts dropped 3/4 of an inch. Now, I have the measuring tape in my hand so if you excuse me, I can't do this in front of the computer...

Holy Toledo! I only dropped 1/4th of an inch from 2007! YES!

I need to do something wild to celebrate! I am going out to party! Hey, maybe I'll hit up one of those singles bars and pick up a man! That would make my husband turn in his grave for sure!

Or... I could just go to the kitchen, brew the Vanilla flavored Nescafe and put in two extra lumps!

Diet tip.

If you have to give up sweets, do this: replace your cheesecake with carrot cake, because that way, it counts as a serving of vegetables!

Look out South Beach, here comes the Madge Delicious Diet Plan!

Never read sexy literature late at night!

I just read an excerpt of Chris Eldin's writing and now I am running to the drug store for some estrogen. Damn these sexy literature induced hot flashes!

Bagel Sensation!

I bought some delicious cheese bagels from the store tonight. You know, the ones that have the cheesy centers and the cheese on top. I love to toast them, put onion and chive cream cheese and a slice a cheddar on those heavenly bagels. I know, at my age any flirtation with cholesterol is dangerous, but I can't help it.

I love my cheese. I love my pepperoni, I love my butter, and yes, I love my steaks. But the trick is, I only eat these foods once a week at most and I always alternate the foods every other week.

Thank God for I can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Whoa Baby!

Kids, Grandma needs to finish curling her hair, Dillons has a hot sale this week and I need to move my old ass out there to get my deals before it's too late!

We're talking 98 cent bread, 48 cent canned goods, 48 cent yogurt, 99 cent Cottonelle tissue paper, 2.28 for Doritos, 7.99 Centrum Supplements, 99 cent/lb pork riblets, and 10 ears of corn for a dollar!

As someone who eats her weight in supplements daily, the Centrum alone is worth the trip!

What the hell?

Today's Dear Abby:

WIFE MARRIED TO A CHEATER FINDS RIGHT RING FOR DIVORCE

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old woman with two daughters, ages 20 and 23. I married my high school sweetheart, "Cooper." I had heard rumors that Cooper had strayed from time to time, but had no evidence to back it up, and, of course, he denied it.

I went by my husband's office one day to surprise him, and his new secretary informed me that Cooper had just taken his wife to lunch at a local bistro! I went right over there and found them whispering, kissing and feeding each other. I did not make a scene. When Cooper arrived home that evening, I confronted him. He tried to deny it. I called him a liar and he slapped me! (A first.) He moved out that night, and I filed for divorce.

I pawned my wedding band and engagement ring. The clerk asked if I was going to buy a divorce ring. I had never heard of one. I searched online, found a nice one, ordered it and wear it proudly.

Cooper and his parents are livid! They say I am poking fun at him and accuse me of "promoting divorce." My friends and oldest daughter think it's cool. Some of my divorced friends have ordered rings, too. The ring is different in design, beautiful, makes me feel good and shows my independence. Should I feel guilty for wearing an identity ring like this? -- DIVORCING AND LOVING IT IN NORTH CAROLINA

-------

Hell, I would have just murdered Cooper, hid the remains, and used his life insurance money to buy myself the largest diamond ring on the planet. That'll teach him to cheat!

Looks like the church has cut their budget.

Because now after the 9 am service we have stale, day old bran muffins and coffee so tasteless that if you ran it under the faucet it would add more flavor.

Looks like I'll need to tithe more than ten percent if I want to have decent refreshments after I sit on a hard wood bench for an hour and a half.

At least today they used the good wine for communion.

Classic Madge...

I have to say that my all time favorite Madge entry is this:

Madge on Halloween


What's your favorite Madge entry? Post a link to it in the comment section!

Love,

Madge Sinclair your neighborhood Sassy, Gassy, Hip Old Braud

Well I do suppose...

I will try and get to bed. But I don't want to get too comfortable. At my age, you get too comfortable, you don't wake up...

'Night!

Today being Saturday means...

Tomorrow is Sunday, and that means I have to go in for my weekly choking on stale communion wafers and wine so sweet it would choke the Savior himself!

Somedays I wonder why my folks insisted on dragging me to the Episcopal church? Ah what the hell. I am too old to change religions.

A Saturday to end all Saturdays...

Well I just can't sleep. And I have so many chores to do today. I need to get fertilizer for the lawn, new pots for my houseplants, and more rubber snakes for my trees to keep the birds away so they don't shit on my car. I'd keep my car in the garage, but the kids still haven't come home to take their crap back to their places. Agnes and Betty told me several times to just hold a garage sale and get what I can for the junk.

But hey, even I'm not that low. Now, if you excuse me, I need to go throw a sheet over my head and scare the dickens out of the Mary Kay lady who lives next door. (That'll teach her to overcharge me on lipstick!)

So it really was an earthquake?

I was woken up in the middle of the night when my bed started shaking. At first I thought the Mexican food I ate for dinner was the culprit, but when I turned on the news this morning I found that an earthquake happened in Illinois and it shook the Midwest.

I thought it was a little odd when Maxine dove under my covers. Usually she doesn't come anywhere near me after I've had Mexican food...



In other news, I am off the Beano! Dr. Feuerstein said I've been over doing it. He told me, "Madge, you live alone, there should be no reason why you can't just cut loose."

I reminded him that I have a young pug named Maxine who's nose is highly sensitive, but then again, she knows how to bury that nose in a box of Bounce fabric softener, which usually does the trick.

April Fools Day!

Well it is that time of year again! I need to call up Betty and Agnes and have them over for some April Fools Luncheon! This means salt in the coffee, whoopie cushions on every seat, and rubber snakes in salads! And just in case the snakes over do it, I brought out the EKG machine for Agnes.

Those two old birds won't know what hit them. Their eyesight has worsened, and their memory isn't worth a dime! Ha ha! Madge will get them good this year!