Sell cosmetics? At my age?!

Today in church a lady whom I've known a couple of years asked me if I would attend her daughter's first Mary Kay party earlier this afternoon. She told me that her daughter started selling Mary Kay and needed to have at least five ladies attend the party to learn about cosmetics. So, being the sweet old lady that I am, I flatly refused, stating that I am too damn old to apply paint to my wrinkles. But the lady begged me, so I said yes.

The girl's director was there to oversee her first party, and let me tell you something, yes we did talk about makeup and cosmetics, but the director kept talking non-stop about how wonderful Mary Kay is and that all of us should become consultants so that we can get free cars. Of course, I rolled my ancient eyes at the idea, and then the director looked at me and said, "You know Madge, I know lots of older women who have become successful consultants. Just think, you could be financially independent with your own business!"

I looked at that leach and said, "I tell you how to get financially independent, ladies. Marry a rich bastard and pray he leaves you everything when he croaks."

I'm sorry, but I am too old for this shit. Mary Kay is all hype anyways. I knew a gal who earned the "free" pink cadillac, but when her sales slipped, Mary Kay took her car away. Everything they do has strings attached--in favor of Mary Kay, Inc. No thank you, I don't want to alienate my friends just to make a few dollars off of overpriced powders and creams.

Note to Mary Kay: Leave Madge Sinclair alone! I buy from Avon, not you. And I will never sell your crap, either.

I got wild today!

Today I got wild and treated myself to a new pair of orthopedic shoes! And to add to that excitement, I bought some Dr. Scholl's to go in the bottoms!

My poor old feet no longer ache!

Well...

Tonight I am having some New York style cheesecake and I am watching The Golden Girls. Yes, this is the life!

Just cause it's free don't mean it's gravy.

Last night Betty, Agnes, and I went to a free opera at the University of Missouri-Kansas City's theater where we watched the theater students do their version of the Phantom of the Opera. I know the kids were killing themselves up there, but we three old ladies didn't care for their performance:

Betty: You'd think they'd serve us concession here at our seats so we can stay awake.

Agnes: Well I can't tell which one's the Phantom, and which one's Christine. They're both ugly and they have long unkempt hair.

Me: At least you can see the Phantom's bulge. They don't make him wear tight pants for nothing!

Betty: Please, Madge! Take a cold shower.

Me: Hey, I was just making an observation. Watch how it bobs when he hits those high notes.

Agnes: Hey, I didn't know pepperoni was a part of the Phantom of the Opera.

Me: Agnes, honey, put on your bifocals

Agnes: WHOA! That makes me wish I were on stage with him!

Me: Well I give this opera a two thumbs down and one sausage up.

Betty: I agree. Hey, let's go pick up a cheesecake and head back to my place and play some gin, I'll even put on the good tea.

Agnes and Me: Sounds good, as long as you're buying!

Betty: Eh. What the hell, let's roll.

AHHH! I'M BLIND! I CAN'T SEE A THING!!

I opened my curtains to let the waning sunshine in and what do I see? My neighbor across the street is at his window, COMPLETELY NAKED! I saw his whole package, and let me tell you, looking at a middle aged pot-bellied balding hairy man and his fruit caused me to lose it. I roared with laughter. Then the hideous baboon turned around and scratched his ugly behind (which actually looks better than his face.)

Oh God, the insanity of some people just blows my mind! And yes, I am officially blind now. Fortunately, I trained Maxine to use her little puppy paws on the keyboard in case I ever lost my sight. Here you go, Maxy girl, there's a sausage for you, oh and a dog treat too...

Pearl of Wisdom: Nothing is funnier than the site of a naked man.

Well it's that time of year.

It's that time of year again! Every April 21st I take out the measuring tape and I hold it against my collar bone and I measure down to my nipples. I like to see how far my breasts dropped in the last year, and then I mark the measurement with a permanent marker and I write the year next to the line.

From 2006 to 2007 my breasts dropped 3/4 of an inch. Now, I have the measuring tape in my hand so if you excuse me, I can't do this in front of the computer...

Holy Toledo! I only dropped 1/4th of an inch from 2007! YES!

I need to do something wild to celebrate! I am going out to party! Hey, maybe I'll hit up one of those singles bars and pick up a man! That would make my husband turn in his grave for sure!

Or... I could just go to the kitchen, brew the Vanilla flavored Nescafe and put in two extra lumps!

Diet tip.

If you have to give up sweets, do this: replace your cheesecake with carrot cake, because that way, it counts as a serving of vegetables!

Look out South Beach, here comes the Madge Delicious Diet Plan!

Never read sexy literature late at night!

I just read an excerpt of Chris Eldin's writing and now I am running to the drug store for some estrogen. Damn these sexy literature induced hot flashes!

Bagel Sensation!

I bought some delicious cheese bagels from the store tonight. You know, the ones that have the cheesy centers and the cheese on top. I love to toast them, put onion and chive cream cheese and a slice a cheddar on those heavenly bagels. I know, at my age any flirtation with cholesterol is dangerous, but I can't help it.

I love my cheese. I love my pepperoni, I love my butter, and yes, I love my steaks. But the trick is, I only eat these foods once a week at most and I always alternate the foods every other week.

Thank God for I can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Whoa Baby!

Kids, Grandma needs to finish curling her hair, Dillons has a hot sale this week and I need to move my old ass out there to get my deals before it's too late!

We're talking 98 cent bread, 48 cent canned goods, 48 cent yogurt, 99 cent Cottonelle tissue paper, 2.28 for Doritos, 7.99 Centrum Supplements, 99 cent/lb pork riblets, and 10 ears of corn for a dollar!

As someone who eats her weight in supplements daily, the Centrum alone is worth the trip!