Whoa Baby!

Kids, Grandma needs to finish curling her hair, Dillons has a hot sale this week and I need to move my old ass out there to get my deals before it's too late!

We're talking 98 cent bread, 48 cent canned goods, 48 cent yogurt, 99 cent Cottonelle tissue paper, 2.28 for Doritos, 7.99 Centrum Supplements, 99 cent/lb pork riblets, and 10 ears of corn for a dollar!

As someone who eats her weight in supplements daily, the Centrum alone is worth the trip!

What the hell?

Today's Dear Abby:

WIFE MARRIED TO A CHEATER FINDS RIGHT RING FOR DIVORCE

DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old woman with two daughters, ages 20 and 23. I married my high school sweetheart, "Cooper." I had heard rumors that Cooper had strayed from time to time, but had no evidence to back it up, and, of course, he denied it.

I went by my husband's office one day to surprise him, and his new secretary informed me that Cooper had just taken his wife to lunch at a local bistro! I went right over there and found them whispering, kissing and feeding each other. I did not make a scene. When Cooper arrived home that evening, I confronted him. He tried to deny it. I called him a liar and he slapped me! (A first.) He moved out that night, and I filed for divorce.

I pawned my wedding band and engagement ring. The clerk asked if I was going to buy a divorce ring. I had never heard of one. I searched online, found a nice one, ordered it and wear it proudly.

Cooper and his parents are livid! They say I am poking fun at him and accuse me of "promoting divorce." My friends and oldest daughter think it's cool. Some of my divorced friends have ordered rings, too. The ring is different in design, beautiful, makes me feel good and shows my independence. Should I feel guilty for wearing an identity ring like this? -- DIVORCING AND LOVING IT IN NORTH CAROLINA

-------

Hell, I would have just murdered Cooper, hid the remains, and used his life insurance money to buy myself the largest diamond ring on the planet. That'll teach him to cheat!

Looks like the church has cut their budget.

Because now after the 9 am service we have stale, day old bran muffins and coffee so tasteless that if you ran it under the faucet it would add more flavor.

Looks like I'll need to tithe more than ten percent if I want to have decent refreshments after I sit on a hard wood bench for an hour and a half.

At least today they used the good wine for communion.

Classic Madge...

I have to say that my all time favorite Madge entry is this:

Madge on Halloween


What's your favorite Madge entry? Post a link to it in the comment section!

Love,

Madge Sinclair your neighborhood Sassy, Gassy, Hip Old Braud

Well I do suppose...

I will try and get to bed. But I don't want to get too comfortable. At my age, you get too comfortable, you don't wake up...

'Night!

Today being Saturday means...

Tomorrow is Sunday, and that means I have to go in for my weekly choking on stale communion wafers and wine so sweet it would choke the Savior himself!

Somedays I wonder why my folks insisted on dragging me to the Episcopal church? Ah what the hell. I am too old to change religions.

A Saturday to end all Saturdays...

Well I just can't sleep. And I have so many chores to do today. I need to get fertilizer for the lawn, new pots for my houseplants, and more rubber snakes for my trees to keep the birds away so they don't shit on my car. I'd keep my car in the garage, but the kids still haven't come home to take their crap back to their places. Agnes and Betty told me several times to just hold a garage sale and get what I can for the junk.

But hey, even I'm not that low. Now, if you excuse me, I need to go throw a sheet over my head and scare the dickens out of the Mary Kay lady who lives next door. (That'll teach her to overcharge me on lipstick!)

So it really was an earthquake?

I was woken up in the middle of the night when my bed started shaking. At first I thought the Mexican food I ate for dinner was the culprit, but when I turned on the news this morning I found that an earthquake happened in Illinois and it shook the Midwest.

I thought it was a little odd when Maxine dove under my covers. Usually she doesn't come anywhere near me after I've had Mexican food...



In other news, I am off the Beano! Dr. Feuerstein said I've been over doing it. He told me, "Madge, you live alone, there should be no reason why you can't just cut loose."

I reminded him that I have a young pug named Maxine who's nose is highly sensitive, but then again, she knows how to bury that nose in a box of Bounce fabric softener, which usually does the trick.

April Fools Day!

Well it is that time of year again! I need to call up Betty and Agnes and have them over for some April Fools Luncheon! This means salt in the coffee, whoopie cushions on every seat, and rubber snakes in salads! And just in case the snakes over do it, I brought out the EKG machine for Agnes.

Those two old birds won't know what hit them. Their eyesight has worsened, and their memory isn't worth a dime! Ha ha! Madge will get them good this year!

They raised the price of pepperoni!

I don't believe it, they raised the prices on pepperoni sticks! I used to get it for 2.49 a pound and now it costs 2.99 a pound! That's highway robbery! I am going to write to Dillons headquarters and give them the nastiest, crankiest old lady letter they ever got!