Do not ever do this...!

Do not ever eat chips with both guacamole and bean dip or you'll end up wasting half a Sunday on the can like me...

Mary Kay really is a Cult...Women Beware!

Today AGAIN that damn Mary Kay lady tried to get me to buy and start my own Mary Kay business. I kept telling her no, and she said that Mary Kay is the answer to everything wrong in my life. What a lunatic? I appreciate this image sent to me from a fan. I think it is offensive, but it shows that Mary Kay really is a cult more so than a business. It's sad. Women who are in Mary Kay need to be helped.

No matter how many times I tell them no...

Betty and Agnes want to go see the new Sex and the City movie this evening and of course they want me to come along even though I hate going to the theaters. I asked them, why in their cotton-pickin' minds would they assume I want to go see the movie Sex and the City when I couldn't stand the actual TV show. (All that sex, and not one old Braud involved! Bah, humbug!)

They told me they wanted to recapture their youth and that all three of us are the "sex and the city" of people over 70. Not only do they want me to go, they want me to wear something sexy and to put on a pink wig with them...

Is 9-1-1 the right number to call for a couple of straight jackets?

Breakfast with the girls.

This morning, Agnes, Betty, and I went out for some danish and some coffee. We had a lovely time until Agnes started in on her gall bladder surgery scars. She swears that the fact they change in size will imply what kind of weather we'll be getting.

"Today they are the size of my palm! We must be getting a heat wave this weekend."

I don't know how much acid she did back in the day, but I think it's time I call up a nursing home or two...

Dear Abby, You're losing it...

TODAY'S DEAR ABBY...

DEAR ABBY: I recently entertained a childhood friend as a houseguest. It was our first visit in many years. After she left, I noticed several treasured heirlooms were missing -- a hand-blown glass horse sculpture and a bowl from a prominent glass company in Italy. I had hand-carried those pieces home from Italy as gifts for my parents, who have since died. They were the only things that I had from my parents, and they are irreplaceable.

I heard my friend talk about "getting" items from work. Even though I was shocked, I said nothing. I can't prove that she took the sculpture and bowl, but they were here before she came and gone after her departure. No one else has been in my home. What should I do? -- NO MORE INVITATIONS

DEAR NO MORE INVITATIONS: Your childhood friend may be a kleptomaniac, or jealous of the life you have lived and took the items as a way to "even the score." One way to get your things back would be to pay the woman an unexpected visit and retrieve the items to which she helped herself. Do not go unaccompanied.

If you have photographs of the sculpture and the bowl displayed in your home, not only would they be "proof" of what she took, they could also be helpful for insuring other items of value.

***

Abby, Abby, Abby. Bad advice. What you do, No More Invitations is call up your childhood friend and ask her to come visit again--only this time you set out all the nice antiques you own and attach a car battery to each one. That way, not only will you be able to see if she's stealing your things, you'll also get to shock the hell out of that klepto witch and she won't be doing that again...

Ah, nothing like a psychotic old lady full of great revenge ideas...

Well Summer's Here...

Time to fill up the bathtub with ice and see if I can't cool myself down long enough to get all the sweat out of my wrinkles. And I sweat like a nun in heat! Fortunately I bought ten gallons of lemonade at the supermarket today so I'm ready, bring on the 100 degree weather...

It's official...

I hate cream of wheat. It's bad enough that when I eat it, I have to pop ten Beanos, or else the mayor declares a State of Emergency in Kansas City. But the worst part is...all that gas and I'm hungry an hour later...

Just my luck!

Today I was at Barnes and Noble looking at magazines when I came across Psychology magazine which had a featured study about Darwinism and homosexuality. As I was reading through, I saw a box with ten quick interesting facts listed about gay people. One of them read "gay men's penises are longer and thicker than straight men's penises, on average."

Well shit! That explains why I had such a mediocre sex life all those years with my deadbeat husband! Maybe if I'm a good old lady, God will reincarnate me as a gay man so I can make up for 76 years of bad sex. No wonder straight men hate gay men so much!

I can't believe it!

They upped the bus fares again for seniors. Why the hell should we have to pay more when we survived the depression, two world wars, a polish pope, and three Bush terms?! I demand an answer! How the hell am I supposed to ride over to the adult novelty shop for some naughty magazines in the middle of the night when I no longer carry the correct change?! What's an old nymphomaniac to do?!

One thing you should never do...

Never call me during the Young and the Restless, you got that?!

Old lady dilemma...

I used to be in what's called an old lady dilemma. Every night when I am in the middle of a brilliant Matlock episode, I have to pee, really bad. Well, it is a tough decision to make. Do I go to the bathroom and take twenty minutes to unroll my stockings, or do I sit through the rest of my show and risk wetting my easy chair?

Well, guess what kids?! The problem's solved! Today, the plumber just installed a brand new toilet in front of my television set! Yes, so now when Matlock comes on, I just sit on the can for an hour and enjoy the show. This also comes in handy when they show reruns of Kevin Costner movies and I get to see his juicy buns plastered on my television screen. Nothing makes me wet myself faster than that tush!




*Now if only I could get my bed and my kitchen installed in here, I'd never have to leave this room for nothing...

And we're back!

Hi kids,

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! We just got back a couple of hours ago and I haven't even unpacked yet. It is too damn hot to do anything except lay in front of the air conditioner. Sheesh it's going to be a hot summer. And Chicago! My Lord was it humid there! We had a fun time, and no we didn't go see Oprah, we were too busy running a muck on Michigan Avenue.

Agnes wanted to take me to Victoria Secret for some black underwear, but I refused. That stuff rides up on me. So instead we went across the street to the Water Tower Mall. Wow, what a site that was! So many stores, about eight floors or so, and everywhere we went, Betty just had to try all the samples of lotions, perfumes, and facial products. She reeked of them, but hell we didn't care. Then we ate at the "Food Life" cafe, oh my gosh it was good! They had so many cuisines to choose from! Thank God I brought an extra bottle of Tums and Beano otherwise I'd been in trouble!

We did go to Cheesecake Factory, and then to the John Hancock Tower for some wine, they have a bar on the top of the tower and WOW what a sight! I had forgotten how beautiful Chicago was and I am so glad we went up there for my birthday.

And yesterday I went to St. James Cathedral! It is one of the most beautiful Episcopal churches I've ever attended. They even burn incense during the service, oh children, it was lovely.

I had a wonderful trip, although Agnes just about got herself killed when we were at the textile museums. She wanted to hit up every one of those damn museums on the south side, but me and Betty wanted to go enjoy the high life on the Magnificent Mile, so we dragged her kicking and screaming to the car and drove up to the shops and restaurants.

You know you're over 80 when all you care about are textiles!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Well here we are in Chicago and I am in our hotel lobby trying to figure out this damn computer. Oh well. Today we are going to the Water Tower Place Mall which has 8 floors of shopping, hot damn! I am going to get wild and treat myself to Shiseido cosmetics. They have the best facial care products on the market, but that stuff is expensive. What the hell, I'm 76 today so why not go hog wild, huh?!

Happy Birthday to Meeeee! Eat lots of cake and drink a lot of wine for me! Love you kids.

Chicago Ahoy!

Well I'm all packed and ready to go. I just hope Agnes and Betty arrive in time to take me to McDonalds for some hot cakes, eggs, and sausage.

Oh...that's them, gotta run kids, I'll update you when I get to Chicago! (Our hotel has a small computer station for checking email, etc.)

See you all soon!

Chicago, here I come!

Guess what, kids?! Agnes, Betty and I are driving up to Chicago tomorrow for the rest of the week! They want to take me to see the Taste of Chicago festival where they sample all types of Chicago-born cuisines. Hot Damn! I haven't been up to the windy city for quite some time! I did ask if we could stay there through Sunday, they have a gorgeous Episcopal cathedral there called St. James and I'd love to attend Eucharist there again. Wowee, I better get packing, and yes, I am taking Maxine. I'll sneak her into the hotel room, they'll never know the difference.

I think this is going to be one of the best Birthdays I've ever had!

International Madge Sinclair Day is on June 5th!

Children,

Mark your calendars. June 5th is International Madge Sinclair Day. I'll be turning 76! (Oh damn, I'm so old!) To celebrate, Agnes and Betty are taking me to see those delicious Chippendale male dancers. I plan on drinking a gallon of wine, and I'll have plenty of one dollar bills to put down those boys' G strings! Hoo hoo! Look out World, here comes Grandma!