Madge G. Sinclair

Updates, boy am I full of em, Hiya kids!!!

2009-09-22T21:33:00.005-05:00

Well,

Kids, kids, kids. Long ass time no see, I know, I know, stop bitching at me. Granny has been busy playing mother to everyone she knows. So here it goes:

Agnes suffered a pretty bad stroke four weeks ago, and we almost lost her. She is partially paralyzed, but she is making amazing progress. She has spent the last four weeks in a nursing home slowly regaining her strength and learning how to talk again, the doctors said that she should be able function somewhat like her old self, but she will need to have constant assistance. Betty and I go see her everyday, and even though the three of us can't go bar hopping like we used to, we still play cards and gossip the hours away.

Dana had her baby last month, and though she was a few weeks early, my new granddaughter is beautiful, and a fighter, just like her grandma! Gosh, she is just beautiful, just beautiful, I love her so much!! My son told me that they are moving to Denver and that they want me to move there too. I am giving it serious thoughts, kids, because Kansas City is definitely experiencing more crime and it's time to move on.

I have talked this over with Betty and Agnes and the two of them cannot bear to part with me. So, the three of us decided that we will ALL move to Denver once Agnes has recovered enough to survive such a move, and we've decided that we'll share a house together. Betty said she'll tell her husband this once the move to Denver is complete...

It has been a very trying summer, dear children, and I apologize for not keeping you up to date more often. Please pray for my friend Agnes. It has been a cruel summer on her.

Blessings and peace,

Madge.

My kids are fighting again...

2009-08-09T22:12:00.002-05:00

Only this time, since they are grown up, they are not involving me. Thank God! My kids used to fight all time, even when we lived in that big house out on Elmridge. Of course, back then it was easier to get them to stop fighting by telling them lovingly, "NOW YOU TWO QUIT FIGHTING OR ELSE YOU'LL BOTH BECOME STRANGE SMELLS IN THE ATTIC!!!!!!"

That worked right up until high school. Now, if I try, I'll fail at getting my kids to stop fighting period. I guess I could fake a heart attack here and there, but we'll see. Granny's got a scheme a cookin' right now, so stay tuned, muah hahahahaaa!

I let the militant mother in me rage today.

2009-07-16T21:47:00.003-05:00

Kids! You won't believe my day! I have never been more pissed in my life (not even when they switched labels on my Beano!) Today, I was at the grocer's and I was in the soup aisle, when suddenly a woman and her teenage son walk passed me arguing. That teenage son had the nerve to swear at his mother...IN the grocery...WHERE everyone could hear! Oh, the names he called her, it was worse than anything I've ever heard coming out of a kid's mouth!

So, being the wise old sage that I am, I used my stern motherly voice and said, "Excuse me, young man, but if I ever hear you disrespect your mother like that again, I'll kick your snotty little tuckus till hell won't have it again!"

Then, to my surprise, the mother jumps in and defends him, saying, "Where do you get off talking to my kid like that?!"

I replied, "Listen lady, I've passed four big heads through my tiny loins, so I've earned the right to say anything I damn well please. If any of my kids ever spoke to me the way your son did to you, they would have been throttled within an inch of their lives!"

The kid told me to shut up, and I said to the mother, "Well it's nice to know the spawn of Satan is alive and well..." So I went about my shopping.

I know it's the 2000s, but seriously...

HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOO KIDS!!!

2009-06-19T20:54:00.003-05:00

Long time no see, how ya been? Well, to give you an update, my birthday (June 5th) was wonderful. Can you believe that I am 77 fucking years old! Gal damn already, 3 years and I hit the big 8-0! Shit! (Hey, I know you don't like hearing old ladies swear, but dammit, I've survived two world wars, Reaganomics, two Bushes, several recessions, and I grew up in the Great Depression, so dammit, I can fucking swear all I want!)

Ok, birthday was fun, Agnes (who is doing well, still idiotically naive, but fine.) and Betty (she's a republican, she's got money, so you know she's fine) took me out to lunch at Kansas City's finest restaurant and then we went to the Video Saloon to knock a few sherries back. Thank God for cabs otherwise we'd a never made it home in time to pee. Old ladies bladders only last so long!

In other news, I got Maxine a shiny new collar, I sold my car to buy a new used one, and Dana (my evil daughter in law) is due sometime in late July, early August and I can't wait to be there for the birth. I hope that kid has a huge head, it'll serve Dana right for being such a witch to me the last few years (she comes from snooty parents, oy!)

Let's see, oh, I have totally restocked my book shelf with new flashy romance novels loaded with all that steamy sex I like to read about. Well, I don't have a man, and after going through all that crap with the late Murray, I've decided to stick with my novels and let those fictitious Southern Belles have all the fun.

Now, if you excuse me I have some serious knitting to do this evening while I watch old comedies on MeTV.

Love you kids!

~Madge

Oh Gosh!

2009-05-17T21:09:00.001-05:00

I miss you already! Well, the good news, kids, is that I am not going away forever. I just don't have time to write to you all. But, feel free to read my past letters to you all about my crazy life. And keep me abreast with how you all are doing! I read your comments and enjoy hearing from you. I'll try to post something next month about my birthday, which is coming up soon, so break out the cake, Chippendale dancers, and wine!

Love you, dears!

~Madge

Well my dears...

2009-04-22T16:05:00.004-05:00

I hardly come on here any more. The truth is, I am an old lady and I forget things. Ok, the real truth is I decided to cancel my internet service at home to save money. Thanks to this recession, my retirement funds have shrunk, and my late husband's 401 K payments have been cut back, so I am cutting back on things I don't need.

I have been without internet for a couple of months now and I don't miss it. I have my steamy novels, my little Maxine, my free digital TV (I FINALLY broke down and bought that damn box they were advertising and my son installed it for me). And I have my cellular phone, Betty, Agnes, and all of you. But lately, it's been much harder to come here to the library to use the internet to write about what I have been doing.

So, much to my sadness, I have decided that for now, this is going to be the last time I write to you all. A little old lady has a busy life too. From volunteering to lunch with the gals, I have a full schedule. Plus, I am a regular usher at the parish, so I am a busy old Braud. I love you all so dearly and I am so glad you have become my friends, even if it is over the internet.

Perhaps one of these days I will come back and catch you all up on my life, but for now, my dear sweet gems, I must say goodbye.

Love always,

Madge Geraldine Sinclair

UPDATE: I will try to post on here once a month at least. I know it would be too hard if I never came back. I can't do that to you kids, especially since none of you are related to me...

Well...

2009-03-23T16:50:00.003-05:00

It's been a damn near month since I have written to you, children! Sorry, but old ladies have lives too, you know (unless you're Agnes, who now thinks she is Cleopatra reincarnated).

So here's the ropes, kids:

I've been busy planting my bulbs. Tulips, Irises, and Hyacinths, oh my! Yes, spring is here, and so is allergy season. My allergies are not so bad, and it could be worse, I could be Betty who is allergic to everything but pollen (how that woman gets by, Lord only knows!)

Murray stopped coming to the senior center all together. Everyone shunned him for what he did to me, oh ok, that's a lie, he's dead. Heart attack in the middle of gin rummy, never saw it coming. The poor dote. He made have broke my heart, but I could never wish him any harm, I don't care if I am the bitchiest old woman in the Midwest! So rest in peace, Murray. I hope you don't break any old lady hearts in heaven, or God will get you.

On a lighter note, Dana, my pregnant daughter in law is beginning to have lower back pains! (I love my grandchild already!!!) She won't be due till probably September or so, which means my darling little grandchild will continue to give her a couple of extra kicks for granny! (see, told you I am the bitchiest old woman in the Midwest!)

Now, my dears, where were we? Oh yes, catching up! Well Maxine's fine, I'm fine, you're fine, we're all fine. Now goodbye, I got to go catch the news!

Love,

Madge

Men...!

2009-02-24T13:16:00.003-06:00

I swear to God, I am never dating again, children! After seeing Murray for a couple of weeks I learned the truth about him. First of all, Sylvia never had the flu last month when she missed our monthly senior dance at the center. She stayed home because Murray had dumped her. Sylvia doesn't have a dime to her name and when Murray found that out, he dropped her like a sack of potatoes.

Then, after Murray learned that I am loaded, he came onto me like white on rice. No wonder he was so sweet and charming and talked about taking a weekend cruise in the Bahamas. That crooked old fart was only after my purse strings and not after my G strings!

This last week I learned the truth. Old Betty, the gossip queen of the center, overheard Murray talking to his buddy Ed about how he's going to live on easy street now that he found a "Braud who has more money than God!" That Schmuck! So, at our final date, I dumped him, and he wouldn't accept it. I told him we're through, and he said is not taking that for an answer. So I said, "Fine! Then take THIS for an answer!" And I hit him in the groin with my purse.

Listen kids, I didn't burn my bra in the 1960s only to be taken advantaged by some old geezer who has his sight set on my retirement money. That money is for ME, ME, ME, dammit!

Now if you excuse me, I need to go eat the last slice of cheesecake while I watch "The Young and the Restless."

Maybe I'll get lucky and see Murray hanging from the flagpole by his pants!

Hi kids.

2009-02-10T10:58:00.002-06:00

How are you all? Well, I am excited because for the first time since my husband died, I have a date for the senior center's Valentine's evening ball! And yes, you guessed right, it's Murray! He's all mine - I only had to push that tramp Sylvia down a flight of stairs to win him over!

Murray hinted that he would try to ply me with wine and take advantage of me at the ball, but I told him, no chance in hell....at least not until AFTER we've eaten the roast beef dinner and the chocolate mousse that they are preparing! Fine food first, then physical pleasure, that's my motto!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well it's the last day of January...

2009-01-31T19:48:00.001-06:00

Which means tomorrow is February, which means, we only have a month and 21 days left of winter, YEEHAW!

Ah winter...

2009-01-24T14:17:00.002-06:00

Such a peaceful season! Thank the good Lord my home has a fire place, a gas fire place, so it's easy to manage. Today it's about 23 degrees out there, which to me is very cold. Today I have stayed in all day with Maxine drinking Ovaltine, knitting, reading, and planning out my day tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am going to the early service, and then I need to report to the senior center since it's my Sunday to do meals on wheels for our shut-ins. I love visiting the shut-ins, we swap stories and recipes, and we play cards till sunset. It's against the center's policy, but I always sneak in some wine for everyone. Hey, nothing like some wine, cards, and laughter to brighten up what otherwise can be a miserable existence. I feel very lucky that I can still live at home and do whatever the hell I want to at my age.

I encourage all of you, dear children, to go visit the elderly in your area. A lot of us have no one anymore and it's really disheartening. You have no idea how much joy you can bring into these peoples' lives until you go out and visit them. It makes a real difference.

Happy Saturday!

Madge.

Out with the old!

2009-01-20T09:24:00.002-06:00

Hallelujah, Bush's reign of terror is over! That scum bucket has flushed our country down the drain! And now he will get to retire alongside his oil buddies whom he and Cheney helped to become the richest men in the world. You boys can have your money because you and your billions will burn in hell!

Meanwhile, I welcome President Obama! I have one thing to say to Obama besides congratulations: You screw up in your first term and I'll wring your neck!

Oh how I ache!

2009-01-13T10:14:00.002-06:00

The dance yesterday went very well, with the exception that I sprained my ankle doing the Bunny Hop. But hell, it was worth it, I got to dance with Murray! That vamp Sylvia didn't even show up to the dance, it turns out, she has the flu!!! Ha ha! Revenge! So I danced two hours with Murray until he had to run to the washroom (apparently, the Chicken ala King repeated on him).

Agnes and Betty helped me into bed yesterday, and I put ice on my ankle which has swollen a little, but now it is doing better. If I don't feel better by this afternoon, I am going to call Betty and ask her to take me to see Dr. Fein.

Wish me luck kids!

Who is sassy, gassy, and full of old world charm?!

2009-01-12T09:59:00.002-06:00

Me, of course! Well today I have an exciting event to attend at the senior center: The Annual Winter Luncheon and Dance-a-thon! The lunch starts at 12, and the dancing starts at 2, giving us all enough time to pop our Beanos and our arthritis medications to cut a rug on the dance floor!

I am hoping this year I'll get to dance with Murray, he's a 77 year old retired accountant who is still very handsome, and every year I try to dance with him, Sylvia always cuts in. (She is notorious at the center for being the vamp of elderly folks).

Aside from Murray, the luncheon menu this year will feature Chicken ala King, asparagus, reduced-salt mashed potatoes with reduced salt, low fat gravy (what an insult!), and for dessert, prune danish! Agnes and Betty are supposed to pick me up in an hour and fifteen minutes, and my hair is still in curlers, so kids, I need to run for now.

Have a great day!

Here's a little joke for you.

2009-01-09T15:07:00.003-06:00

What do you call a power-abusing money-hungry scoundral? Governor!

Ha ha!

Congrats to the people of Illinois, your state Senate will put your crooked governor on trial. I hope that scum gets removed, I do not like any dirty dishonest politician regardless of their party affiliation!

Meanwhile...

I had to take Maxine to the vet today, which means I had to drive today. It is 65 degrees and sunny outside so I don't mind, but still, I HATE driving, it stresses me out!

Tonight when I get home I need to make a bag of popcorn so that I can watch the Newshour with Jim Lehrer to learn more about the scandulous politics of my neighboring state, Illinois.

It sure is wintery out there!

2009-01-06T11:23:00.003-06:00

Hello kids, how are you all doing?! I am doing fine, it is snowing a little bit here in Kansas City, so I am going to have to postpone doing my errands until the roads are cleared. At my age I don't take any risks, especially since last winter when I hit that patch of ice I accidentally pinned old Mrs. Burlfein between her mailbox and my fenders. (The woman was already in a wheelchair, so how much more damage could I have done?!) So yes, I don't drive when the weather gets nasty. So today I am cooped up on my easy chair with a hot toddy and a trashy romance novel, which is very nice, especially since I am at the point where the damsel in distress throws herself into the arms of her swarthy hunky lover who grabs her and and spins her into his arms as her dress tears off her steamy body. I better stop there before you all wet yourselves...

P.S. I picked out a new design for this online blog, do you like it?

New Year's Eve was fun.

2009-01-05T10:38:00.004-06:00

I had Agnes, Betty, Claire, Judy, Ruby, and Stella over for our annual New Year's Eve bash. I had all my snacks and champagne ready to go and I tuned in to Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve. I tell you, for a man twenty years my senior, he is handsome!

I brewed a large pot of coffee, which helped us old brauds to stay up till midnight and the snacks, card games and laughter continued well into the night. Agnes certainly did better than I thought she would. She only had two spells of brain farts. The first spell was when she thought we were celebrating Midnight Madness, and the second spell she thought Martha Stewart was a lesbian who did Broadway musicals. (Yes, children, old age can be very cruel).

We managed to make it till midnight, but soon after I brought out the inflatable mattresses and bedding and the gals stayed the night. At our age, we don't drive in the dark, mainly because we can't see well, but also because we're too afraid of being out and about late at night. So we stayed in and played gin rummy.

I knew we were all getting tired when we stopped playing for money and started playing for tubes of Preparation H. Hey, at our age, Preparation H is indeed a pot of gold!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T11:27:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe it is 2009! Holy Moley! Where did the time go? Gasp! I'll be 77 this year...oh that 80 year bench mark is inching closer and closer! Oh woe is me!

Thank God they're all gone!

2008-12-29T13:00:00.003-06:00

I love my children and their spouses, BUT...

My old age is for ME, ME, ME!!!!

Dana was a lot nicer this Christmas, she even kissed me on the cheek and called me "mom." It took every bone in my body not to throw up, but I suppose I ought to be nice to her since she is carrying my son's baby.

Now, I saw my two grand kids from my oldest (who stayed in a hotel because she didn't want to burden me) and they are wonderful. It's something funny, my kids drive me nuts, yet my grand kids do not! Talk about ironic!

Anyways, my kids ate a lot, my grand kids played a lot, and I drank a lot. All in all, not a bad Christmas!

Now, bring on the New Year's celebrations! Agnes, Betty, and I are having a few gals over at my place for some gin rummy, champagne, and all the snacks you can eat! We will watch the ball drop at 11:59 p.m. Happy New Year!

Love,

Madge

p.s. Can you believe it?! One more year and we start a NEW decade! Oh God I am getting OLD, OLD, OLD! Hell, I can remember when we were counting down to the 1950s! Now before I know it, we will be counting down to the 2010s. Oh Lord have mercy!

This is why I stay at home...

2008-12-27T21:42:00.002-06:00

I stay home for my own safety...Here is why!

Not to mention...

You go to the movies, some psycho shoots you.
You go to the mall, some psycho shoots you.
You go to college, some psycho shoots you.
You go to work, some psycho shoots you.
You go on the bus/train/subway, some psycho shoots you, or blows you up.
You go grocery shopping, some psycho shoots you.
You go to Walmart, a herd of psychos run you over and trample you to death.

This is what happens when you don't subject people to a psychology test before giving them their guns. Normal healthy people who have guns are ok, they are responsible, but the rest of you out there... I am staying home because of you!

Well...

2008-12-23T11:01:00.001-06:00

Hi there kids,

How was your weekend? Mine was busy. I had to finish wrapping presents for my children who are coming later today, and I also had to get my groceries for Christmas dinner (which includes that all important aspirin for after I finish all that cooking). The house is ready to go with my Christmas knick knack collection, and today I am baking all of my Christmas cookies, pies, and cakes. Little Maxine has her Christmas bow on her dog collar and I let her unwrap her present early: a nice doggie bone and a bag of Beggin' Strips treats.

Now, if you all excuse me, I just heard my timer go off, I gotta go put my last batch of cookies in the oven!

Merry Christmas! I won't be able to update again until after the kids leave this weekend, so if I don't see you, kids, Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge

I found the perfect Wine blog!!

2008-12-18T19:48:00.003-06:00

I just found the perfect wine blog by a young gal named Alpana. She has the most delicious recipe for mulled wine, which is an old holiday treat from my day! I just love her blog, and I encourage you to go visit it!

What Would Alpana Drink?

Happy Holidays and wine drinking!

Love,

Madge G. Sinclair

Dear Santa...

2008-12-17T21:04:00.003-06:00

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is for you to cook Christmas dinner for me so that I don't have to because my damn kids demand Martha Stewart style holiday banquets. (Damn you, Martha Stewart!) In exchange for this favor, Santa, I will refrain from calling up Mrs. Clause to tell her about our hot, tawdry love affair two years ago. Hey, you owe me, Santa. You remember that gift you gave me two years ago? Well it took two weeks of penicillin to get rid of it!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

Madge Sinclair (Your former squeeze)

Christmas Cards, Bunyons, and Gas! Oh My!

2008-12-16T19:15:00.002-06:00

Yes, it has been a busy week. I had to go in last Thursday for a minor foot operation, I had a bunyon the size of a half dollar on my left foot (which I think God gave me as a punishment for kicking a parishioner who cut in front of me at the Eucharist that Sunday).

So I was in bed all week recovering, which I used that time to finish off my Christmas cards and watch some dirty movies. My daughter came into town to help me and she was horrified when she learned that Betty brought me my dirty movies. Her exact words were, "Mother I can't believe you are watching this!" I told her, "Hey! What's the big deal?! Do you think I'm gonna go down to the senior center and find someone to do that with?!"

So to make a long story short she took away my movies and I had to watch Little House on the Prairie. That's ok. I got my revenge after two days of consuming beer and Fritos. I about gassed my darling daughter outta the house! That'll teach her to interupt me when I'm watching "Erotic Days of our Lives!"

Oh Lord...!

2008-12-09T21:40:00.002-06:00

I really wish Jesus would come back so that I don't have to mail out all these damn Christmas cards! Why, oh why do I have to know so many people? I already have arthritis bad enough as it is, my poor wrists will be shot after writing all 200 Christmas cards! Lord have mercy!

Meanwhile, I've been having a good laugh from the news that the Illinois governor was arrested for trying to sell off Barack Obama's seat in the senate. That governor is such a dumbass, hasn't he learned a thing from the Republicans?! You DON'T get busted for money scandals,instead, you get busted for sex scandels. That way, you can put on a show of remorse and say that you are an immoral pig and that you are going to Christian boot camp to "change" from your lewd ways. The Republicans are experts in this, after all, they are the Grand Old Perverts (GOP).

I tell you, it's just a world gone mad!

Sorry Kids!

2008-12-02T23:04:00.002-06:00

I know I have not been on here in awhile. I had all four of my kids in town this last week and the last one didn't leave until yesterday. I have cooked, cleaned, shopped, talked, drank a ton of wine, and played gin rummy for the past 7 days straight! I drank so much wine after learning that Steve and Dana are planning on moving to Kansas City so that they can raise their kid near me. They want their baby to be around grandma (so they can get away with dumping all the hard work off on me!) I thought Dana was unusually nice this time around. I've heard of women changing completely when they get pregnant, but I never expected my conniving, sniveling, whining kvetch of a daughter-in-law to suddenly change into this kind, courteous, happy kind of gal. (Honestly, I feel like she was setting me up for a hit!)

Anyways, I've been in bed all day, and even though it is late, I just can't fall asleep. I need to go make myself a hot toddy, that always does the trick for me. Plus it will knock this slight cold I have out of me. I have lunch tomorrow with Agnes and Betty, and I am sure they too must be exhausted from Thanksgiving. Betty has six kids and they always stay with her instead of a hotel. Agnes has three kids, but they never come around, but lucky for her she is old and senile so she thinks she has company anyways. Besides, two of her kids are locked in a vendetta with each other, so we don't need to get blood on Agnes' nice rugs. (When the Italians say vendetta, they MEAN vendetta!)

Ok, I am getting tired, so I best be getting off here to sip on my hot toddy and dream about squeezing Kevin Kostner's tush. I have been having a major hot flash day, and right now I could almost hump a tree! If only I'd meet a man my age who still had the ability to go at it all night!! Lord have mercy!

Well Thanksgiving is this week!

2008-11-24T13:32:00.002-06:00

I am all ready. I have the turkey, the ingredients for my homestyle stuffing, potatoes, sweet potatoes, peas, beans, corn, plenty of flour and yeast for my dinner rolls, and the pecan pie ingredients are all ready to go.

All four of my kids are coming home this year, and the girls arrive tomorrow, with the boys arriving on Wednesday. Luckily, they are all staying in hotels, so I don't have to put anyone of them in the spare bedroom. Oh it will be so nice to see the kids again, as obnoxious as they are! Maybe my dead husband will come back to haunt us on Thanksgiving. Lord knows that man has come back to haunt me a few times! And you know, even in death, he still wants nookie!

Oh good Gawd, Dana is pregnant!

2008-11-18T17:43:00.004-06:00

I cannot believe it, my youngest son, Steve, got his wife pregnant! My baby is having a baby! I don't know what to say! I am excited yet horrified at the same time. This means I will forever be stuck with Dana as a daughter in law! Gosh I remember the first time I met Dana's parents. I never met such ice pops! I remember it like it was yesterday, we were in their living room having some pound cake...

Dana: You know, mom, I never had a pound cake quite so moist!
Steve: Extremely moist...
Me: I found the tea rather moist as well!
Steve: Mom!
Me: What?! I can't be uncomfortable too?!

Oh well, I guess this year I ought to go out and buy Steve and Dana some baby things. I cannot imagine what Dana is like when she's tripped out on hormones. I can't stand her when she's at her best, ha! Poor Steve, he's in for a LONG nine months...!

Betty...

2008-11-17T18:48:00.002-06:00

I swear, Betty complains too much and, sometimes, it can backfire on her...take today at lunch for instance...

Betty: Oh girls, yesterday, I had to wait forever at the pharmacy drive-thru to refill my prescriptions, it was the worst feeling in the world!

Agnes: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

Me (sipping my coffee): *snort *cough *cough!

Betty: I just sat there, hour after hour...

Agnes: -Tell me about it!

Me: Oh Lord, I think I just wet myself...

Why I hate the library.

2008-11-14T19:24:00.001-06:00

So today I had to go back to the library, they sent me a fee notice in the mail and I have never, I repeat NEVER been late on returning any of my books! After 40 minutes of haggling back and forth they granted me a "one time courtesy waiver." (They acted like they really went out of their way to do this for me, and I've been a patron here for over 50 years!)

So I finally get my two bucks back and then I had to run to the restroom because my bowels are really active today. So here I am sitting on the can when this lady walks out and hits the lights on her way out! There I sat in the dark, shouting for someone to come in and turn on the lights. About ten minutes later someone finally came and asked what the commotion was. I told them that some dumb Braud turned the lights off on me, and next thing you know, this woman starts laughing at me! I held my tongue but thought, "How would you like me to wrap my stockings around your neck and choke the life out of you?!"

Betty called.

2008-11-12T17:21:00.000-06:00

And she's bringing me some of her homemade chicken soup. She made a big pot the other day and her husband is sick of eating it. I don't know what is wrong with that man! Betty's chicken soup is the best damn soup I ever ate in my life. My own mother would hate her for it!

Oh well, so I guess tonight won't be so bad after all, I'm still out of my favorite flavor of Nescafe, but then again, Betty's soup can always make a rainy day fun.

Today of all days...!

2008-11-12T17:18:00.003-06:00

It's cold and rainy and the only thing that helps me through this weather is a hot cup of vanilla Nescafe with hazelnut creamer, but today when I went to the grocery store, they were out of both the creamer and the coffee?! What the hell?! Now what am I supposed to do? I have nothing good to sip on while I watch Matlock tonight! Bah Humbug!

Back by popular demand.

2008-11-08T09:12:00.002-06:00

Well I am now back to being pink by popular demand. Honestly I wanted to change it because it reminded me of those Mary Kay sales nazis who never stop trying to recruit you to join their cult of consultants.

But, I am here to please you, children, so back to pink it is!

***

Ok, here's what's going on today:

- I need to go to the library and return my trashy romance novels, and check out another stack for the week.

- I need to run by Walgreens and get a refill on my prescription, and I need to pick up their sales flier and see what deals I can snag today.

-Then it's off to the grocer for some more Nescafe, vegetables, and my ingredients for my homemade vegetable beef soup (now that the weather is cooling off).

-And then tonight Agnes, Betty, and I are going out to the Olive Garden over in the Kansas City, Kansas side of the city.

Well I guess that's what I'd call a busy Saturday! Have a good day, kids, and whatever you do, don't buy store bought potato salad...it tastes awful and gives you the worst gas on the planet, LOOK OUT!

Wow, I can get service even in my basement now!

2008-11-07T07:49:00.000-06:00

Kids, this new Verizon phone is fantastic! I can listen to Agnes' long stories even when I go down to my canning room for a jar of beans! I guess I won't be able to use the excuse of having no service to hang up on her anymore...a blessing and a curse!

Verizon is right, it is the network!

Ok, now if you all excuse me, I need to run down to the senior center. I am volunteering for today's luncheon which entails bingo afterwards! Hot damn I love being old!

Grandma's getting technical savvy!

2008-11-06T22:39:00.000-06:00

So I decided to cancel my AT&T account and go with this Verizon service. They have this phone that is basically like a computer, and it even has Microsoft Windows on it! So I took the plunge and left AT&T today. And I must say, Agnes and Betty can hear me a lot better now, and I don't drop any calls! Wow...!

And you know, children, I did this all by myself too! Grandma's gettin' good at this!

BOYCOTT USA TODAY!

2008-11-06T18:55:00.003-06:00

Boycott USA Today! They suspended my online account because they did not like my opinions I was posting on there! I was combating ignorance and bigotry, how dare they cut me off!

Here is the email:

Madge Sinclair,

I work in the USA TODAY newsroom connecting readers and reporting, and I'm writing to let you know about an issue with your account on our site. Our moderators have suspended your account after determining your comments do not meet the community guidelines.

The site welcomes a broad array of perspectives in the community's conversations, and these differing opinions are what lead to strong and engaging discussions. But we require contributions that are respectful of an ongoing news conversation. Your comments violate the site guidelines against advertising and spam. Other readers correctly report these comments as abusive, and the moderators feel it is necessary to intervene. Thank you for your time.

Regards,
Patrick

Patrick Cooper
Network Editor
USA TODAY
****

If you are as pissed about this as I am, then email Mr. Cooper at

pcooper@usatoday.com and tell him old ladies have the right to express themselves too. Hey, if people can get away with posting backward hillbillies opinions on their site, then why can't I come back with intelligent arguments?

I am canceling my subscription to the paper, it's a rip off anyways. 75 cents for a few pieces of color copy paper! Bah!

BOYCOTT USA TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

I hate driving!

2008-11-06T18:41:00.001-06:00

Today I did not feel up to taking the bus to the grocery store so I drove my big boat of a car out there. Well not only did I fight long lines and suffer from inflated prices, the real bitter moment came when I was backing out of my parking spot.

Here I was taking up the road, trying to turn this big boat around to pull out of the lot, when a young whipper snapper in a truck came at me like a bat out of hell. He stopped in time, but he sure blared his horn at me and he yelled, "Get out of the way, geezer!"

So I did what any senior citizen with dignity and self-esteem did: I flipped him off and then took extra long to get out of his way!

The showstopper, and then I need to get to bed!

2008-11-04T23:58:00.001-06:00

Today is indeed a sad day...for Alaska's wildlife, because Caribou Barbie's coming back and she's pissed and wants red meat...

Congratulations President Obama!

2008-11-04T22:36:00.001-06:00

I didn't think he'd win a landslide! I am shocked! McCain gave a wonderful concession speech, the true John McCain showed tonight, the one I wish would have ran this race, not the RNC's version of McCain.

God bless both Obama and McCain, it was a tough campaign for everyone.

To those of you who voted for McCain, we all need to pull together and work to make a better nation for us all. I am in my twilight years, so if we could all work together regardless of differences, I'd die a happy old gassy, sassy Braud.

Good night and God bless!

Love,

Madge Sinclair

I am watching the Election Results!

2008-11-04T20:37:00.002-06:00

I am watching the News Hour with Jim Lehrer, and I've got a tray full of snacks and Maxine sleeping on the davenport next to me. What a night! I know they've made a lot of calls on who will win which state, but honestly, the show isn't over until the fat lady sings (as long as that fat lady isn't Roseanne Barr! I'd rather vote Republican than to hear that awful woman screech out another song!)

I'll see you tomorrow, may the best candidate win tonight! Amen! God bless America!!!

Election Day Luncheon at the Senior Center

2008-11-04T14:53:00.003-06:00

It was a lot of fun. Betty and I continued our arguments over who will win. She voted for McCain and I voted for Obama. Betty's always been a staunch Republican, and I a staunch Democrat, but we are like sisters so we don't care. Agnes...well if she had a mind left, she'd be an independent. Fortunately, today I was able to sway her to vote my way but it took a LOT of work:

Me: Agnes, you're voting for Obama aren't you?
Agnes: No, I'm voting for Hillary Clinton because it's time for women to rule the country!
Me: Agnes, I agree with you, but Hillary ran in the primaries and lost, now it's between two men: Obama or McCain
Agnes: What?! Hillary is not running anymore?!
Me: She lost the primaries to Obama in June, haven't you been watching the news?
Agnes: Yes, just last night I saw that Dick Cheney endorsed Obama.
Me: Agnes, he endorsed McCain, not Obama!
Agnes: Gee, I thought it was strange that he would back a democrat, after all, he shoots at them for sport.
Me: Oh LORD have mercy! Look, if I drive you to the polls will you vote?
Agnes: Sure

***after she votes***

Agnes: Well I voted!
Me: Who did you vote for?
Agnes: I voted for Oprah!
Me: Oprah isn't running for president!
Agnes: Yes she is, I saw her name above John Wayne's! Oprah's running as a democrat and John is running as a republican, and as much as I loved John Wayne, I had to vote for Oprah!
Me: Agnes, we need to change your prescription, honey...

GO VOTE TODAY!

2008-11-04T06:48:00.001-06:00

Go vote today, I don't care who you vote for (although if you want a suggestion...VOTE FOR OBAMA!!!!!)

Seriously, get your tails out there and vote, kids. Too many of our fellow Americans have died so that you could go vote! I've lived through so many wars now and we've lost a lot of our soldiers over the years. Go out and vote in their honor! And then, come on here and tell me you voted and I'll send you a free sample of my Beano stash! (I get an exclusive potent version of Beano guaranteed to knock the gas out of you!)

I voted at 6am sharp, for "That one."

Well now that's done...!

2008-11-01T10:54:00.000-05:00

I just finished putting away all my Halloween decorations for next year. I tell you, I am exhausted! It's not easy being the wicked witch of Kansas City, people expect you to put on a good show every year. Even Maxine has spent the whole morning in her puppy bed, she is so tired she didn't even respond when I offered her a treat!

Now, I am relaxing here sipping my Nescafe, but later I need to go dig out the Thanksgiving decorations and get those set up for later this month. Can you believe it's already November?! Where does the time go? Life like gas, eventually passes you buy...and not in a good way either! Thank the good LORD for beano! Excuse me...

What an easy Halloween!

2008-10-31T21:09:00.003-05:00

First of all, not one of my trick-or-treaters were rude or mischievous! So the good news there is I don't need to buy new booby traps next year.

And the better news is they loved my caramel apples! And I don't have a drop of candy left in the house. Maxine was a very big help this year, she was grandma's little helper and the kids just loved her!

So yes, it was a nice night, I had a lot of kids stop by, as expected, and it was a nice time had by all. Well, I'm off to bed, I'll take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Thanksgiving decorations tomorrow. Whew, the holidays are here, my friends!

Geez oh Pete, it's Halloween!

2008-10-31T10:29:00.004-05:00

And this year I'm expecting a larger crowd of trick-or-treaters. Let's see, I have the caramel apples, the bags of assorted candies, my wicked witch costume, and all the booby traps laid out on the front porch in case any of those whipper snappers decides to get smart with grandma!

Oh! And here's a photograph of Maxine helping me out with the decorations. She did a very good job, extra puppy treats for her!

Happy Halloween! Be safe out there, and look out, at midnight tonight I will be flying across the country on my broomstick to go torment Bush at the White House, muah hahahahahaaaa!

Happy Birthday Blog!

2008-10-30T10:46:00.004-05:00

Well here it is, one year ago today I joined the online community by launching my very own web page to come and write about my daily antics and musings. Gosh by golly I cannot believe it has been one full year! What a year we've had, kids! To celebrate, I have posted my very first entry below for you all to gawk at and remember when this 76 year old Braud decided to throw her inhibitions aside and come out on the internet to write her own blog!

Happy Birthday Blog! To celebrate, I have selected a new, sexier design for you all to enjoy!

Love you all,

Grandma.

Ok, now here's that first entry I did a year ago...

***
October 30, 2007

Heeeeere's Madge!

Well hi there. My name is Madge Sinclair, I'm a hip old braud who lives in Kansas City. I retired ten years ago after a life long lucrative career of raising four kids and living with an ill-tempered husband who ran me like a servant. (Actually I taught Art and Art History at my local community college for many years.)

But I survived it, folks. I am in my 70s, and I live each day with gratitude that my husband is dead and my kids grown and out of the house. For once I can do whatever the pork I want and no one will stop me, not now not ever! (Fortunately, my husband left me a nice sum, so look out kids, granny's loaded!) Oh! Ouch, yep, I'm loaded right now...excuse me...

I'm all ready for Halloween!

2008-10-28T17:11:00.002-05:00

Well kids,

I'm all ready for my trick-or-treaters:

I've got 6 bags of candy (last year I learned the hard way, give out LOTS of candy!), I also have my front porch decked out in cobwebs, skeletons, ghosts, and jack-o-lanterns. And! I bought Maxine a new puppy costume: she is going to be an Oscar Meyer Wiener for Halloween!

Now, if you excuse me, kids, I need to get started on my caramel apples. This year I decided to give out caramel apples to help the kids get something somewhat nutritious to eat on Halloween night.

Oh! This Thursday marks my one year anniversary of doing this online journal! What a year we've had! Lots of gas, laughs, old lady moments, and plenty of good fun!

A special thank you to all my devoted readers, most notably, Church Lady aka Chris, Peggy, Brandi, Lynn, Brooke, and Irisrainbow!

And to those of you who read but don't post a comment, I love you too!

Happy Halloween 2008!

Oh my gosh!

2008-10-26T10:54:00.001-05:00

I just received my first text message! Oh who is it from? Free message from AT&T? What the hell are they sending me text messages for?! I paid my damn bill two, three weeks ago! Oh, it says, thank you for paying your bill, blah, blah, blah. Well isn't that nice of them to thank me! I'll have to write them a nice thank you letter, and then I'll bitch to them about the fact that my phone bill was over 70 dollars last month!

Well I just got home from church.

2008-10-26T10:48:00.002-05:00

I decided to go to the 8am service, which is the spoken Eucharist, which was lovely. Very monastic. I usually go to the 10 o'clock service but here in an hour, Agnes, Betty, and I are going to be heading out to the mall for lunch and a shopping spree. Agnes won a hundred bucks from bingo this week so she said she'd treat us all to lunch at the mall. (I just hope she wrote this down, given how her mind comes and goes so quickly!)

So yes, I think I'll stop by that lovely bath and body store to pick up some hand creams and oh, I'd love to buy one of those do it yourself foot massage kits too! My feet could sure use some pampering, I just went through corn hell recently, and we're talking lump city, folks. My feet are in dire need of pampering!

Gee, I probably shouldn't be posting so much personal information on the internet, huh? Ah what the hell, you all know I'm gassy and old, I might as well tell you about the corns too!

So yesterday I had to renew my license...

2008-10-25T15:11:00.002-05:00

Oh I hate having to renew that damned driver's license! And every time I go in for a booklet, they make the driving rules harder and more difficult to comprehend. Look, the only rules we need are 1. Don't speed and 2. Don't hit anyone or anything.

To be honest, kids, I am a horrible test-taker. In the middle of the exam, I cursed out loud, stomped my heels, and finally, I lost it and I broke my pencil in two and tore the test in half. The BMV clerk gave me a funny look, and I snapped, "What's the matter?! Haven't you seen an old woman freak out on a test before?!"

Oh my goodness food is expensive!

2008-10-21T16:56:00.003-05:00

I could hardly believe my eyes! $7.99 for a box of 50 trash bags?! 50 cents for Ramen? 3.49 for a cheaply made loaf of bread?! 3.69 for a half gallon of milk?! Apples for 3.49 a pound?!

This is outrageous! No wonder so many families are hurting so badly in our country! I just spent over a hundred dollars myself and that's just for me and Maxine for the week! Even Maxine's generic puppy chow has gown sky high, and I don't know why. Half the stuff they put in that dog food is cardboard and filler. Nescafe is now up to twelve bucks too, oh Lord, help us all!

Talk about the Power of Prayer...!

2008-10-20T22:08:00.002-05:00

So tonight I was on one of the longest phone calls I've ever had with Agnes. I finally had it, so I prayed softly, "Dear LORD please make Agnes shut up about the Young and the Restless, and I'll give up my steamy novels for a month in return!"

Sure enough, Agnes said, "Oh Madge, I need to go, I have a phone call coming in on the other line, it may be my daughter, I'll tell you about the rest of the story tomorrow over lunch!"

So how about that?! And I thought God was sick of hearing from me by now! So a deal's a deal, folks. No steamy novels till Thanksgiving, and tomorrow I'll be in roast beef heaven so Agnes can yap all she wants about that damn TV show.

I guess I finally got a win-win deal. It only took 76 years!

I thought the meeting would never end!

2008-10-20T11:15:00.001-05:00

Good Lord, I hate long meetings! I know it was important, it is time to send out our monthly church bulletin, but still, two hours! This does not sit well with someone who is so gassy and advanced in age!

Thank God for Beano!

It's Friday morning!

2008-10-17T09:58:00.003-05:00

Where the hell's the garbage man? It's Friday, and the trash cans are lining the street! Where did I put my hazelnut flavored creamer? I can't have my Nescafe without it! Where the hell's my USA Today? I know they have 49 other states to deliver to, but dammit, I'm old! I can't start my day without my newspaper!

It's going to be a long Friday!

The funniest reference to McCain and Palin yet...

2008-10-15T08:08:00.002-05:00

Being that I am older than John McCain I should be offended by this, but at the same time, I laughed till I peed...and then I laughed at that!

I was reading USA Today online and I saw the comments, someone referred to McCain and Palin as:

The Mummy and the Dummy '08

Oh crap, I think I just cut one again...!

Agnes.

2008-10-14T20:51:00.003-05:00

I swear, Agnes isn't paddling with both oars in the water...

Earlier today on my cellular phone:

Me: Agnes, before we go to our bridge game tonight, I need to stop and get some Nescafe.
Agnes: Why do you wanna go to the cafe? We'll be having appetizers.
Me: I didn't say I wanted to go to the cafe, I said I wanted to buy some more Nescafe.
Agnes: You want to buy a cafe? Since when did you decide to go into the restaurant business?
Me: NO! I SAID I WANT TO BUY SOME MORE COFFEE, I'M RUNNING LOW!
Agnes: Well then why the hell did you mention buying a cafe?!
Me: Look, let's stop by Dillon's on our way to Betty's capisce?!
Agnes: Now you're making a little more sense. Wait till Betty hears about your plans to run a restaurant!
Me: Oy vey iz mir!

Oh Lord, I'll sure be busy on Halloween...!

2008-10-13T10:57:00.003-05:00

Yes, this means that grandma will have to buy triple the candy this year, and I'll have to set twice the booby traps because every little ankle biter on my street will coming down to Madge's on Halloween! Sheesh!

Oy vey!

2008-10-10T15:42:00.002-05:00

I knew I shouldn't have gone for that foot long at Subway! But those suckers were 5 bucks a pop! (Who can resist the Italian herbs and cheese bread?!) Now I am so gassy I feel like I'll explode at any moment, and the damn Beano ain't a workin'! I think the Beano company has cut back on spending money on making an effective product because now I have to pop five of those suckers just to get any relief!

This one is from my daughter!

2008-10-07T16:08:00.001-05:00

So I get this lovely email...

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

Well hello kids!

2008-10-06T22:05:00.002-05:00

How was your weekend? Mine was pleasant despite the fact that my phone rang off the hook. Agnes thinks Alf is living with her again, so she keeps telling me of all his funny shannigans. I stopped telling her that Alf is a fictional character long ago, she just thinks the way she thinks.

Anyways, today I took the day off and I went up to the Metro North Mall for a mid morning walk. I stopped in the pet shop and bought Maxine a doggie bone for being such a good girl and then I went down to AT&T to pay for my first cellular phone bill.

Yes, I finally took to the cellular phone on my own in late August even though my son had bought me one of those prepaid cellular phones a year before. (That thing was crap!) So in August I bought this pearl colored phone designed for seniors. That sucker is easy to use with large buttons and when I open it, the thing automatically answers my calls. Since I decided to get rid of my landline and just keep my internet only, the AT&T man suggested that since I am now using my cellular phone as my primary line, I should go with the 900 minutes package for 60 dollars a month. I have unlimited night and weekend calling along with no long distance charges, which is great because now I can call the kids without watching my time! Oh and I found out that both of my daughters have AT&T which means we can talk for free! All this for 60 dollars?! Hotdamn!

You know, it is kind of nice to be able to go anywhere and be able to listen to Agnes' stories, or James asking me for money, or listening to my daughters tell me about their kids. I never really used my prepaid phone because I couldn't hear anyone, but with my AT&T cellular phone, I hear plenty well. How about that!

Agnes...

2008-10-03T21:39:00.002-05:00

Agnes had another moment tonight, this time over the phone:

Me: Agnes, did you hear on the news that this 90 year old woman in Ohio shot herself, stopping the police from evicting her from her foreclosed house?

Agnes: Yes! The poor dear, may she rest in peace!

Me: Agnes, she didn't die, they took her to the hospital and she'll be fine. And the lucky part is, the bank is letting her keep the house, and forgiving her debt.

Agnes: Is that so?! Well, lucky her! (silence)

Me (after hearing a clicking sound): Agnes, what are you doing?

Agnes: Getting out of paying my mortgage!

Me: Agnes! Put that damn pistol down! You're 81, you have arthritis, and your hands tremor like crazy. Why the hell would you risk killing yourself just to avoid paying off your swanky old lady condo?!

Agnes: If that 90 year old can do it, so can I!

Me: Well, then, knock yourself out! I gotta run, dear, Matlock is coming on.

Agnes: Matlock! Did you see that episode where he...(insert about twenty minutes of non-stop rambling).

Me: Yes...tell me more... (so she goes on for another ten minutes, which means, the whole shot gun idea has been forgotten at this point).

So as you can see, I again saved Agnes O'Rourk from another one of her hair-brained schemes. Do I get to win old lady of the year yet?!

I know who I am voting for on Nov. 4th!

2008-10-03T21:31:00.000-05:00

GEEZER/GIDGET '08!

Let us have a moment of silence...

2008-10-03T15:16:00.001-05:00

In all the 76 years I've been alive, never have I ever seen such a successful heist of American Worker's money. Today, our politicians have sealed our fate. Goodbye America, thank you for the 232 years you gave us!

James, I forgive you for marrying Dana!

2008-10-03T06:55:00.002-05:00

I forgive my son James for marrying Dana. Why?

LOOK AT THIS PHOTO HE SENT ME!!!

Who wants pumpkin bread?!

2008-10-02T08:06:00.001-05:00

Morning children,

I've been up since 5 a.m. I woke up an hour earlier than usual and I couldn't get back to sleep so I figured, what the hell, I'll make pumpkin bread for tonight's debates. Agnes just bought a new flat screen that's the size of an entire wall so Betty and I are heading over there to watch the debates tonight at 8 o'clock. Betty is bringing the booze, and I'm bringing the snacks. Agnes has vowed to not talk during the whole debates, but we told her that laughing is allowed. It's Sarah Palin, it's ok to laugh!

Now, if you excuse me, dears, I need to finish my Nescafe and Maxine needs to go for her walk.

Toodles!

Sarah Palin

2008-10-01T07:50:00.001-05:00

Sarah Palin is like the Alaskan Governor's Mansion: The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Let's see what's on sale this week!

2008-09-30T14:17:00.001-05:00

Every Tuesday I get the new sales fliers from Walgreens and CVS in the mail. It's really the only exciting thing about Tuesdays anymore, ever since they arrested that streaker on fifth avenue.

Ok, kids. Here's what's on sale:

-Charmin 4 packs, 2/$5 (this is not a good bargain for me considering the fact that I go through at least 8 rolls a day.)
-Post cereals, any variety, 2 for $5. (Not bad)
-Fig Newtons, buy one get one free. (Oh darn! I can't eat fig newtons, they repeat on me.)
-Nescafe is on sale for 2/$12! (I better stock up!)
- Metamucil is 50 cents off (Please! They call that a "sale?!")
-2 dollars off Beano (Whew! Now Kansas City can take a collective sigh of relief!)
-KY Jelly is on sale for 3.99 a tube. (Hot Damn! I'll take 6!)
- 2 dollars off selected wines (yes!!!)
-Trojan condoms are also on sale...(Good, maybe now those hicks up the street will use them so we can prevent them from doing more inbreeding.)

Looks like someone doesn't want to go to the vet!

2008-09-29T15:19:00.006-05:00

Isn't she adorable? Here's my Little Maxine pouting on the davenport. She is giving me that "Please don't take me to that vet place again, old lady, please!" look. She's a good girl, she doesn't try to run from me, she knows better. And today with the weather being a little gloomy, she'll whine and whimper during the whole car trip. I always give her a nice little doggie bacon treat afterwards, which usually cheers her up. I just can't believe how much she has grown since I adopted her last August! She's been a wonderful companion, she never talks back (unlike my damn kids!)

And can you believe it, kids?! I no longer have to call my son James just to put a photograph on my computer! This calls for some champaigne!

Oh my Lord...!

2008-09-29T14:15:00.002-05:00

Today's lunch at the Golden Corral will be my last. Everyone there knows me, especially Della, the waitress. Why would I leave and never go back, you ask. Here's why:

Della: Hi hon, how ya doin'?
Me: Aside from a small tiff with the supervisor, I'm doing fine.
Della: Can I pour you some more coffee?
Me: Sure. How's your day going?
Della: We're short staffed in the kitchen, Frank went home sick this morning.
Me: Oh the poor thing, did he have the flu or something?
Della: No, it was anthrax.
Me: CHECK PLEASE!

And the sad thing is, Della was dead serious.

Ahh...so THAT'S what was wrong...

2008-09-29T11:44:00.002-05:00

Now that Carl had some of my Nescafe, he's lightened up a little, and even smiled at me once--if you call that smiling. I hate it when he and I work the same days because I always like to leave the parish 15 minutes early to beat the lunch lines at The Golden Corral. Just because he is studying for his M.Div he thinks he owns the place. Gays and their discipline! No wonder so many of them enter the priesthood!

Well Good morning to you too, Boss!

2008-09-29T08:24:00.002-05:00

So this morning I was running 15 minutes late thanks to the damn bus system, and Carl, the primary office clerk decided to gripe to me about it:

Carl: Madge, you were supposed to be in at 8 o'clock!
Me: Oh lighten up, it's not my fault that damn bus was late!
Carl: I don't want your excuses! You could have drove in today.
Me: The hell you say! Have you seen the gas prices lately?! Do you want to fill my tank?!
Carl: Look, just be grateful you still have your job!
Me: Listen, Queenie, you should thank your lucky stars that I was even able to get out of bed today at my age!
Carl: Just don't be late again, ok?!
Me: Or what? You'll fire me?! Ha!

So yes, now I need some Nescafe. Carl hasn't always been like this, but ever since his boyfriend dumped him he's turned into Roseanne Barr...sheesh! Now, excuse me, but I'm gonna go ask her highness where they put my damn creamer!

Well it finally cooled down out there.

2008-09-28T21:37:00.002-05:00

I don't know about the rest of you, but in Kansas City we've been having some humid weather despite that fact that autumn began last week. But I think the weather is finally realizing it is time for cooler weather. I have the kitchen windows open, and the breeze is refreshing.

I am currently enjoying a nice hot cup of decaffeinated Nescafe with a slice of cheesecake. It's been a Sunday with bad church music, bingo, and a free dinner from my crazy girlfriends. All and all, not a bad way to end the weekend.

Now tomorrow I need to be at the church at 8 so I can leave by noon to go do my fall shopping. Each year around this time, I like to go out and purchase fall scented candles, like pumpkin and apple pie. I also purchase those small gourds and pumpkins as well as multi-colored corn to create my fall arrangements for the living room. I have to tell you all, that aside from Halloween, autumn is my favorite time of year. Even though I can't stand Halloween, I still buy candy and pass it out, of course, with lots of pranks and mean tricks because those kids are so spoiled they never have to work for anything. Well granny always makes them work for that candy! Gee, maybe this is why I always end up with egg on my car and porch! And one year they toilet papered my front yard maple! Kids...go figure!

I love Sunday Bingo!

2008-09-28T17:43:00.002-05:00

Because not only do the girls and I get to have some gambling fun, we always have a bet every week that whoever gets the least amount of bingos has to pay for dinner! Well today Betty only had one, Agnes had ten (four of which were actual bingos) and I had six in a row!

I walked away with 200 bucks and a free meal, now that is what I call recreation!

Good Lord!

2008-09-28T11:53:00.002-05:00

I just can't stand that new organist! For the last several Sundays he has played loud, boisterous pieces that sound worse than nails on a chalkboard! Oh well, at least the sermon was a good one: on loving your neighbors and helping those in need. It's a message we all need to hear time and again.

Now, I need to get going, Agnes, Betty, and I are off to St. Ann's to play bingo!

Oh Brother...

2008-09-27T22:10:00.008-05:00

So my son James, just emailed me about Thanksgiving. Looks like grandma's going to be breaking her back again this year. And to make matters worse, he sends me a list of foods he and Dana would like me to prepare. But that's not all... He sends me a picture of the food he wants prepared, just in case I am too blind to read the email! Why that little...

So here is the photograph for you all to gawk at:

It sure looks delicious, but do I look like Sara Lee?! I just now sent him the following response:

Dear James,

I received your request of what I need to cook for Thanksgiving. I don't think the turkey in the picture you sent me is big enough. Here, I found a picture of an even bigger bird...

Do you think this will be enough food for everyone?

Love,

Maw.

Thank God for caller ID...

2008-09-27T22:04:00.004-05:00

My crazy nut-job daughter in-law Dana called again. She must know I won 5,000 dollars on the scratch off tickets! Why is it everytime I come into some extra money my kids' spouses are the ones who call asking for this or that! Are my kids THAT afraid of asking me for money themselves? (I guess I raised them a little TOO well, ha ha!!!!)

Note to self: give James a paddling for allowing his wife to bug me non-stop!!!

One year anniversary is next month!

2008-09-27T21:39:00.006-05:00

Can you believe it, children? Next month marks one year since I've gone online?! It has been quite a year, hasn't it. I've drank a lot, eaten a lot, cut loose a lot, and I've even bitched a lot, but hey, I'm old, I have earned my right, dammit!

How did this blog start? Well, my niece was the first one who told me about "blogging" which I passed off as some new crazy fad that kids were into these days. But when my niece was over last October, she showed me how easy it was. By then, I had had the internet for a month, but all I knew how to do was access news websites. (I am a news junkie.) So with her help I had this blog initially set up, but it was my darling son who showed me how to add all the goodies I have on the site. So after a couple hours of painful note taking, I started learning more about this wonderful website. I still go by my notes when I add pictures to my entries, hey, I forget a lot of things in my old age, and I sure as hell don't want to forget how to update my blog, because if I do, well, the blog world will be a much worse place without a crazy gassy Braud who loves wine and cheesecake.

Happy Anniversary everyone! I hope you like the new design I chose to commemorate a year of gas, Beano, rotten tricks, sassy remarks, and drooling over Kevin Costner's buns!

Now pass the damn Beano, that chicken salad is starting to repeat on me!

~Madge

P.S. You can now become a "follower" of my page, how lovely!

They called that a debate?

2008-09-27T21:18:00.007-05:00

I was so disappointed by the damned debate! Both McCain and Obama are full of decade old crap in my opinion but at least they could have put on a better show! I was not impressed with the pathetic jabs they took at each other, and they didn't try to cover up their own behinds when they called each other out on their garbage! Bah humbug!

Honestly I am far more concerned over the fact that the government wants to give 700 billion dollars to bail out CEOs rather than using that money to help people pay off their enormous debts. I tell you kids, another Great Depression is possibly on the horizon! I don't know if I can go back to eating pickled cardboard, but I did it once, I'll do it again. If I still had my shot gun, I'd hobble on over to Washington and clean up this country!

I have a new T-Shirt Idea!

2008-09-26T17:44:00.002-05:00

I have a new T-Shirt idea:

I'm BLOATED!
Consider Yourself Warned!

Ha! Ha! Isn't that brilliant?! I could become more famous than the Gap!

I need to get going...

2008-09-25T08:33:00.002-05:00

I have a ten o'clock appointment with Prunella my Avon lady. Did I tell you, she opened her own beauty parlor down by Main? She received her cosmetology license last month and she secured a nice little place to open her shop. I went down on Saturday to see her grand opening and I must say, she really went all out. I asked her if she was still going to sell Avon, and she said yes, but she will only sell it at the shop. I was relieved. I love their hand creams, so now I can just go down there after work and pick up my Avon products and gossip with all the other old ladies in town.

Prunella hired two younger gals, one to cut hair, and the other does nails. Where she found these two brilliant stylists, I'll never know. The shop is fairly spacious, and the property owner gave her an exceptional deal on her rent, I guess they've been trying to find someone to rent out the retail space for quite some time. Well, enough jabbering, I need to take Maxine for a walk and then I better head down to Prunella's for my full makeover! (Yes, she promised me the Works: Facial, Manicure, Hair coloring and styling all for 50 bucks!)

Well, I'll say...

2008-09-25T08:27:00.000-05:00

Bush's speech last night was his best one to date. He only stumbled across 5 words in total! Normally, he stumbles across every sentence. He sure sounded convincing, ey? Well, let's see. Everytime we had an urgent situation that needed immediate action, it has screwed over the country. Sorry, Bush, no sale. Let those greedy pigs on Wall Street go down in flames! Hell, I limp when I walk, but I'll be more then happy to hobble on over to Wall Street and light the first match!

Don't mess with me, I'm old and gassy, punk!

Special thanks to my son for this one!!

2008-09-20T23:22:00.003-05:00

Someone's gonna get an extra special Christmas present this year!!!

Is it November yet?

2008-09-14T23:21:00.002-05:00

I just can't stand watching the news or reading the papers anymore! The media has gone nuts over this Palin woman from Alaska! Big crocking deal! I raised four kids, lived with a crazy husband, and I had a career on top of being active in church, and I did not have as much money as this Palin-bot! Did I get rewarded with a VP nomination? No! But I did get my husband's inheritence, which I enjoy very much thanks to that frugal dirtbag!

Now, about the Palin mask patent for Halloween, some big law firm called me up claiming to represent Hallmark. Apparently, if I sell even a single mask, my ass will get sued because Hallmark invented the masks the split second Johnny boy announced her as his running "mate." Damn those hallmark pigs! They're always planning way in advanced for the holidays!

Oh well, I have one trick up my sleeve. Hallmark cannot get the patent rights on my other scary Halloween tradition: my good friend Agnes O'Rourk! (Betty, if you're reading this, Agnes is mine this year. I need to get my revenge on those kids who egged my car!!!!!!)

It's that time of year again...well...not quite.

2008-09-05T17:26:00.002-05:00

Halloween candy is now in full swing at the stores. Great. Another year of putting up with trick-or-treators egging my porch because I didn't get the right kind of candy. Maybe if I borrow Sarah Palin for the night, she can scare them off, or better yet, get egg on her face for selling her family up the river for wealth and power.

I think this year for Halloween I'll wear a Palin mask...

Just a quick memo...

2008-09-02T12:08:00.003-05:00

Note to self...oh...and there it goes... I forget. Oh well, it's time to watch my stories, good day!

Well hi there, kids, I miss you!

2008-09-02T12:00:00.003-05:00

Hi there. Sorry for going for so long without saying hello. I have been a busy old lady this last month. First of all, I have a new job, part time, purely for the hell of it. The Board of Health said that if I don't spend at least 20 hours outside my house, they will have no choice to board it up for all my toxic old lady fumes have caused the street to suffer from lung disease. (But it is summer, I don't like the heat and humidity!)

So I found a job at my Episcopal church. I am their part time secretary, which is kind of fun. I love my fellow parishioners and taking their phone calls is a delight:

Me: Thank you for calling St. Peter's Episcopal Church, this is Madge how may I help you?
Agnes: You're missing the Young and the Restless!
Me: I know, Agnes, I know. Now cut to the chase and tell me about all the raunchy sex scenes and drama!

So as you can see, kids, I love being a working girl again. I know financially I don't need it, but dammit, I need to get outta the house every now and then, and there is just so much you can do in Kansas City before going absolutely raving mad (like Agnes).

Meanwhile, Betty has been up in Montana visiting her sister, so it has been rather quiet around here, oh, except of course Agnes still calls me non-stop because apparently the next door neighbors have installed cameras into her house and like watching her bathe. (Agnes, honey, get professional help!)

Monitor your credit card accounts, children.

2008-08-18T13:56:00.002-05:00

Hi kids, how have you all been? Well, grandma's been fighting with her credit card company to get her 500 dollars back. Apparently some whipper snapper stole my number and bought 500 dollars worth of merchandise online. How the hell they got my card number, I'll never know. I don't even shop online. Hell, I can barely navigate this blog of mine, let alone buy things online.

Whoever stole my credit card is going to get it. Grandma is furious! Death to those identity thieves!

How many times do I have to tell them damn kids...

2008-07-30T12:31:00.005-05:00

Well, today marks the tenth year since my husband died. Now before any of you start sending your condolences, keep in mind I open a bottle of champaign when that man died. After all those years of marriage, babies, and me cooking his meal night after night, that man only bought me a bouquet of carnations for our anniversary. He was so damn frugal that he insisted on buying me the same color of weeds year after year, and he always told the kids, "Pink carnations are your mom's favorite flowers." Yeah right!

So what do my damn kids do? They send me pink carnations on the anniversary of my husband's passing. Gah! Do I have to be reminded of all those years of labor that I never got rewarded for? That's ok, within the first week he died I bought myself a new car, a mink stoal (fake, I don't wear dead animal), oh and I bought a diamond ring too, not to mention I went to St. Louis for a week.

Now, what do I do about these blasted carnations...Anges! She's too old to tell the difference between carnations and roses! Hot damn, a repreive!

Prunella DeVille...

2008-07-29T22:47:00.003-05:00

Literally. Today not one, but TWO sales women came to my door, at ONCE! Prunella, my Avon Lady, and that damn pesky Mary Kay women, Jane, with that ridiculous smile that makes me want to set my hair on fire, both showed up at my door. As soon as Prunella heard Jane talking about my "interest" in some hand creams, Prunella snapped. "So THIS is why you haven't called in months, eh?"

No, Prunella, dear. I haven't called in months because that cream you sold me made me break out in hives! This got Jane all excited so she proceeded to inform the two of us that Mary Kay doesn't break anyone out (Ha! Just go look at my niece, Sarah, after she uses Mary Kay!). Jane proceeds to invite Prunella and myself to join the Mary Kay "opportunity". Prunella scoffed. "I'm sorry, but I refuse to go around like a 1960s oppressed housewife hyped up on pink pride." And I said, "I'm sorry, Jane, sweetie, I am too damn old to be sucked into a cult that requires you to smile till it fucking hurts."

At this point, Jane just smiled even bigger, and proceeded to tell us that Mary Kay is every woman's dream come true. Well Jane, if that were true, I'd a become a lesbian long ago.

Thank God I faked that heart attack, otherwise I never would have gotten rid of those two hams! Note to sales ladies: GO AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK!

I still can't sleep!

2008-07-26T23:29:00.002-05:00

What am I still doing up? I have church tomorrow and then an afternoon appointment at Flo's Beauty Salon. And if I don't get enough sleep, Flo will notice! She can spot bags from a mile away.

Even Maxine is passed out on the easy chair. It's Saturday night and the city is still wide awake. All those young kids are out drinking and sinning...damn I long to be 24 again!

Yoga? At my age?

2008-07-26T23:16:00.003-05:00

So today at lunch Betty, Agnes, and yours truly were sitting on the patio of this lovely Thai restaurant when out of the blue Betty starts going on about how she's taken up yoga. She swears up and down that it has done wonders for her joints, not to mention her sex life with her husband. (Yes, Agnes and I are both widows, which frankly, that's ok by me. My husband was a pompous jerk, and Agnes' husband thought he was the Archiduke Ferdinand.)

Betty wants me and Agnes to join her yoga class. Agnes of course was all for it, she's 81 and has only two brain cells left, so if you told her to jump off a bridge, she'd do it. (Note to self, next time Agnes tells me one of her awful gall bladder stories, tell her to go lie down in the street.) I told Betty to rethink this. For one thing, Agnes can barely walk, and for another, if I stretch out too far I lose control of my bowels, and I don't think her yoga class would appreciate being bombed out of Kansas City...yes, not even Beano could prevent that.

Betty insists that my arthritis will go down and that I will feel like a new, young, vital woman. (What are they teaching you in those yoga classes? Do you have to sniff glue before you come? Sheesh!)

Humidity! Evil!

2008-07-16T22:59:00.003-05:00

Damn this Global Warming, damn it to hades and back! Oh Lord have mercy, my hair is all frazzled out, my voice is even more croaky than before, and now my breasts won't stop sticking together! I thought bras were supposed to prevent that! Hell, it makes not difference on mine, they hang so low nowadays. Wait, I probably should not be sharing this with you. What would my deceased husband say?! (As if I care, that deadbeat is long since dead! Hot damn! Off with my bra!!!!!!)

Lord...it is HOT out there!

2008-07-14T08:54:00.001-05:00

For five days now I haven't stepped outside of this house. It is too hot and humid, I can't risk getting a heat stroke. Hell, at my age, I can't risk getting any kind of stroke period. (Not that I'm afraid of dying, I'm not.) I just want to stay alive long enough to pursue my lifelong dream of becoming a go-go dancer. Can you imagine that? I think my wrinkles would cause me to stick to those metal poles. (Not to mention the patrons would go blind!)

Anyways, God bless my church. The priest and the verger came over to my house yesterday to give me my portion of the Eucharist. They know me too well!

Hot and Humid weather = cranky vicious Madge.

Independence Day Nightmares

2008-07-05T19:03:00.003-05:00

Oh kids, I am so tired. All night last night, those darned neighborhood teenagers lit firecracker after firecracker! For a moment I thought World War III broke out in Kansas City. Maxine was shaken the whole night, she buried herself under my pillow and wouldn't come out till dawn.

Whoever came up with the concept to light explosives to celebrate our nation's birthday is indeed the lowest scum of humanity. Sometimes I wonder if these inventors come up with these inventions just to find new ways to torture the elderly!

Bah humbug!

On a positive note, I did get a sexy blue rinse done on my hair since I am heading out to dinner with the girls in a few minutes. We're going to a Let-Us-Entertain-You restaurant on the Kansas side of Kansas City. I've read many great reviews and their wine selection is excellent. I just hope Betty and Agnes will have me back here by 10:00. I am getting up early tomorrow to attend the spoken Eucharist at 7:30 a.m. (I usually attend the 10:30 Choral Eucharist, but I have a lot to do tomorrow.)

Ok, my rides here, I gotta run. Maxine, be a good girl till mommy comes home drunk again tonight...!

Do not ever do this...!

2008-06-29T22:46:00.002-05:00

Do not ever eat chips with both guacamole and bean dip or you'll end up wasting half a Sunday on the can like me...

Mary Kay really is a Cult...Women Beware!

2008-06-28T00:13:00.002-05:00

Today AGAIN that damn Mary Kay lady tried to get me to buy and start my own Mary Kay business. I kept telling her no, and she said that Mary Kay is the answer to everything wrong in my life. What a lunatic? I appreciate this image sent to me from a fan. I think it is offensive, but it shows that Mary Kay really is a cult more so than a business. It's sad. Women who are in Mary Kay need to be helped.

No matter how many times I tell them no...

2008-06-26T12:45:00.003-05:00

Betty and Agnes want to go see the new Sex and the City movie this evening and of course they want me to come along even though I hate going to the theaters. I asked them, why in their cotton-pickin' minds would they assume I want to go see the movie Sex and the City when I couldn't stand the actual TV show. (All that sex, and not one old Braud involved! Bah, humbug!)

They told me they wanted to recapture their youth and that all three of us are the "sex and the city" of people over 70. Not only do they want me to go, they want me to wear something sexy and to put on a pink wig with them...

Is 9-1-1 the right number to call for a couple of straight jackets?

Breakfast with the girls.

2008-06-26T09:02:00.001-05:00

This morning, Agnes, Betty, and I went out for some danish and some coffee. We had a lovely time until Agnes started in on her gall bladder surgery scars. She swears that the fact they change in size will imply what kind of weather we'll be getting.

"Today they are the size of my palm! We must be getting a heat wave this weekend."

I don't know how much acid she did back in the day, but I think it's time I call up a nursing home or two...

Dear Abby, You're losing it...

2008-06-21T23:34:00.003-05:00

TODAY'S DEAR ABBY...

DEAR ABBY: I recently entertained a childhood friend as a houseguest. It was our first visit in many years. After she left, I noticed several treasured heirlooms were missing -- a hand-blown glass horse sculpture and a bowl from a prominent glass company in Italy. I had hand-carried those pieces home from Italy as gifts for my parents, who have since died. They were the only things that I had from my parents, and they are irreplaceable.

I heard my friend talk about "getting" items from work. Even though I was shocked, I said nothing. I can't prove that she took the sculpture and bowl, but they were here before she came and gone after her departure. No one else has been in my home. What should I do? -- NO MORE INVITATIONS

DEAR NO MORE INVITATIONS: Your childhood friend may be a kleptomaniac, or jealous of the life you have lived and took the items as a way to "even the score." One way to get your things back would be to pay the woman an unexpected visit and retrieve the items to which she helped herself. Do not go unaccompanied.

If you have photographs of the sculpture and the bowl displayed in your home, not only would they be "proof" of what she took, they could also be helpful for insuring other items of value.

***

Abby, Abby, Abby. Bad advice. What you do, No More Invitations is call up your childhood friend and ask her to come visit again--only this time you set out all the nice antiques you own and attach a car battery to each one. That way, not only will you be able to see if she's stealing your things, you'll also get to shock the hell out of that klepto witch and she won't be doing that again...

Ah, nothing like a psychotic old lady full of great revenge ideas...

Well Summer's Here...

2008-06-21T23:30:00.002-05:00

Time to fill up the bathtub with ice and see if I can't cool myself down long enough to get all the sweat out of my wrinkles. And I sweat like a nun in heat! Fortunately I bought ten gallons of lemonade at the supermarket today so I'm ready, bring on the 100 degree weather...